How to tell family so late in pregnancy that I'm pregnant?

[iknowthatyouknow]

Regular user but NC.

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and my family don't know I'm pregnant. I'm going to tell them today but I don't know how to say oh by the way, I'm 24 weeks. I haven't told them for a few reasons. First one being I am not coping well with being pregnant and think I have pre natal depression. I'm just not happy at all and have no joy in the prospect of having a child. Second being I nearly died last time of birth and they'll bring this up and remind me and keep getting on at it. I don't want to think about it at all. I don't have a good relationship with DM, mainly my fault and I know she's going to be so mad/upset that I've not already told her. How am I actually going to tell her? I'm so desperate for advice but I don't know what I can do

Did you find out the sex? If it were me, I would frame it as a positive decision “I wanted to wait until we saw all was ok at the 20 week scan/found out the sex before telling you”.
Then I would leave them out of it. They don’t sound helpful and I’m sorry you’re going through this. PANDAS are great btw, if you need some real support. 💐for you.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-help/

I do know the sex but then they'll say why didn't you say before? Which I get because I'd say the same thing

My friend didn’t tell her family until she was 22 weeks- she was very anxious and wanted to wait until the 20 week scan. No one thought it was weird.
Congratulations on your news and I’m sorry that you’re finding it tough. Have you spoken to your midwife about how you feel?

I'd just say you were late finding out. It's not unheard of.

I feel you about antenatal depression though. It's horrible. Have you told your midwife how you're feeling?

And tell your parents not to interfere. Any bad comments really don't help you. X

I didn’t tell my family til after my 20 week scan. There’s no law to say you have to!
My reason was because I’d lost a baby at 12 weeks last time and I personally couldn’t handle the pity and sympathy i got before if something were to go wrong again.
You’re entitled to keep it to yourself for however long you want - don’t let anyone make you feel bad for that!

What about writing something in a card and giving it your mum while you're there?

I don't mean "you're going to be a grandmother", I mean a little letter about why it's been so hard to tell anybody.

Could you perhaps white-lie and say you needed an extra scan because baby was in wrong position, so you had to go back? 24 weeks is not so different to 20 weeks..

I don't live in the same country so it'll be on the phone. I haven't spoken to her in two months

Or say you booked a private gender scan which was a bit later?

Just tell them this
You were worried about the baby and wanted to check all was fine before you said anything.
That you are due In month, and really pleased about it...
Then if they say anything Nasty use...
Did you mean to be so rude?....

But the thing is, I'm NOT ecstatic about it

If your that stressed by telling family say you've just found out. You don't see them very often for it to be made a bigger deal then it is. I hope your getting some support with your depression.

Your doing it on the phone, and havn't spoken in 2 months. So thye are not going to expect to be up to date with everyone.

Just say something simple ' we have recently been for a scan and found out we are expecting baby number 2, due this summer'

Just say you were waiting until after your 20 week abnormality scan. And then also be vague about when the baby is due so if the due date is mid July say August.

I am sorry you are having a tricky time. Did you know that depression durring pregnancy is more common than PND? Please speak to your midwife/GP about this as there are some amazing mental health teams who only work with pregnant and postnatal women - they will understand what you are going through.

Never let them know you have worries, it will be used to upset you...
Just keep it simple....

You don’t have to share how you’re feeling with them. They don’t sound supportive.
Hope you can get the support you need OP.

But the thing is, I'm NOT ecstatic about it

Just tell them that you still have nausea. Nobody sounds ecstatic when they have nausea.

Sorry you are finding things hard. I too nearly died on my first delivery - my second and third were absolutely fine but I know how much it affects you. Also I do hope you are getting some help for your pre-natal depression. It is way more common than is talked about.

Some people don't tell till quite late. My sister didn't tell us until she was 20 weeks. Just her choice.

Just say I'm pregnant due in XYZ. If she says "why didn't you tell me" say "I didn't tell anyone to be honest. Felt I didn't want to be officially pregnant for the whole 40 weeks". If she goes on about the last delivery say "look I'm a bit bothered by it myself so would prefer not to be talking about it and worrying about it. I am getting good medical support". Then move on. You'll feel better once you tell her.

Will it be such a big deal I mean, will anyone really expect you to have disclosed your pregnancy very early on? I didn't tell anyone at all, including my parents and my best friend and the work colleagues who were extremely tactful as I spent half the time in the loos on the next floor throwing up and disappearing for medical appointments -- apart from my line manager until 19 weeks, for various reasons, and I don't think anyone ever suggested I'd 'owed' them a disclosure.

Either way, you are not responsible for your mother's feelings. Concentrate on yourself, and be kind to yourself. Do you have any support with the depression?

I didn't tell anyone other than my partner and my mum until I was 21weeks. I wanted to wait until after the second scan.
It didn't seem late at all. I don't think you should worry.

It's not really feasible to say I found out recently though, is it? How would I only have just found out?

It’s not that uncommon. Some women still have mini bleeds that seem period like and without clearly missing a period, all the other symptoms could be seen as something else.

Some women do find out quite late. It's unusual, especially these days, but it isn't unheard of. I've never used that as an excuse, but I can see it being useful if you're really struggling with telling them. Sounds like you're having a hard time

I told my mother who lives in the US about my second pregnancy when I was about 21 weeks along, after the anomaly scan. I just said something like "I'm pregnant and due in March.", let her complain at me as I knew she was going to do, and then did my best to move the conversation along.

She never asked me why I waited so long (I'd done so at 16 weeks with my first after being hospitalized with pregnancy-related issues), but I probably would have said that I knew/worried she wouldn't be happy about it and I was pretty unwell so took some time to work up the energy and courage to do so. I waited even later with later pregnancies (with my third child, I waited until after she was born and had my spouse do it, my fourth I emailed when I was about 37 weeks). To me, it was one of the biggest bonuses to her being overseas, I didn't have to deal with that until I was ready.

I didn't tell family members until about that time either.
After the shocking "we want nothing to do with that child, he's a terrible dad, close your legs" kind of comments after we got pregnant the first time, we expected the worst this time too (which true to form happened again) so we did a text saying wasn't sure how to tell you all, but we're expecting again. Due in blah blah, lots of love from us.
Because that's the truth, we didn't tell them for the longest time because we didn't want the shit that was going to come our way and we were dealing with the worry of another misscarriage happening too.
If you don't want to hear the things they have to say then tell them so or tell them that what you need is support and positivity right now
Good luck!