7 weeks pregnant age 22, worried about age, timing etc :(

[Sophie0983]

I did already ask MN about this in an old thread but still so confused and lost, looking for some thoughts and opinions...

Title says it all really! me and my partner found out we were pregnant 4 weeks ago. Suspected ectopic, then suspected miscarriage, now all ok at 7 weeks. Rollercoaster already! We live together (rented) and have an amazing relationship, though only been together 6 months (but known each other through work for two years). He has a good job full time, I am in my final year of uni with 3 months to go, no job as of yet when I finish.

My mom, dad, and brother feel that I would be better off having a baby in a few years when I've got job security, we've got a mortgage and more money behind us. All fair although we do have a couple of grand in savings now. They feel I'm too young and we are both not ready to be parents and want me to have a termination. I think they'd come round if I told them no though.

My boyfriend feels that a termination would be devastating for him and traumatic for me, which we agree on. But we also agree on the fact that we haven't had much time alone, we would be giving away our younger years alone which we can't get back, and both feel we would like to have more holidays alone and just generally less to think about for a couple more years! At the same time, we would only like to get pregnant in 2/3 years time so is that enough time alone to want to justify an abortion right now? His sister has just had a baby, she's weeks old and it would be nice for them to grow up together. Argh.

I have booked a consultation with BPAS for the 13th but by the time any treatment happens I would be 9 weeks approx which I feel is too late. I booked it to please my parents really but also for me to talk to a pregnancy counsellor as I don't think that is a bad thing to do in my shoes. We have our scan tomorrow though through normal hospital and should see the heartbeat for the first time, so feel really emotionally torn.

It ultimately comes down to whether we have a termination to keep a couple more years to ourselves, or we go ahead and make the most of the 7/8 months left alone, including go on a holiday just us... what do you all think? honest opinions? is there a good age to get pregnant? should we wait?!

As I say I did post before v similar so sorry if you've already heard this dilemma, I just feel so lost at the moment. xx

Hi @Sophie0983

First off I'd say that only you and your partner can make this decision, what your parents/brother think shouldn't be taken into account. I don't mean that harshly as of course you will be interested in their opinions but at the end of all this you and partner will live with your decision.

Secondly, I'm 25 so slightly older than you and having my first baby. I was a teacher, left my job with no new job to go into, planned to live on savings for a couple of months and then found out I was pregnant! So 'job security' isn't always that secure. Of course you want to support yourselves but remember that you and partner may be entitled to some help in the form of UC/maternity allowance etc.

I guess it's just about deciding if you're both willing to make this commitment. What are you more worried about, missing out on some time and experiences with your partner over the next few years or regretting aborting baby?

Also, 9 weeks may seem too far along mentally and emotionally for you but you can have an abortion up to 24 weeks in the UK do you do have time to think about this. Maybe when you have your scan your mind will be made up for you. Either way, good luck to you! X

@CaseofEllen Thanks so much for your reply. I feel so 50/50 about whether to make sure we have another couple of years together first or whether I'll regret the termination more. It's so SO hard to decide!

Congratulations to you on your pregnancy. I think financially, things always have a way of working themselves out! Xx

I don’t think there is ever a good age to be honest. I focused on my career for many years after leaving university then when I actually wanted to have a baby struggled to have one and ended up having IVF treatment. I’m now 34 and pregnant with my first child, I’ve always wanted a big family but just being to have one child for me is a blessing. You have to do what’s right for you, not for your parents. You may well decide to wait another few years but then it might not happen as easy.
Wishing you all the best for whatever decision you go with. Take care x

Hi op, I'm sorry for how stressful this must be!
Just wanted to say i was pregnant at 18 while in an abusive relationship and at the time I felt like my future was decided... I felt everybody made a snap judgement about how i would cope.
However 10 years on, i am currently doing my PhD (bsc and masters completed), in a successful job, happily married, and expecting my second with a v excited 10 year old daughter. However, i still feel anxious about everything I have not yet done, e.g. we are still renting, i need to finish university ect.
Do what is right for you, this is a huge decision for you. There is never a perfect time to have a baby. But you never know how strong you are until you are fighting for the life you want for you and your childeren! Best of luck, and mind yourself either way xxx

Thank you @foodie68 . I agree. Can't think of a perfect time at all ! And I do worry about trying to conceive later in life, leaving it too long before it's 'right' .

@chocolate89 thank you too... I don't even know you but I'm super proud of what you've achieved, congratulations! We all have our own order of things, that's all!

I think things will be more clear after our scan tomorrow where we should see heartbeat for the first time. We'll see, I'm very anxious about it. Xxx

I have a 5 day old baby (no3) so apologies for short reply but just had to send quick one. I was pregnant at 22 after 9 months with my partner. In rented house. I knew I loved him and would be with him forever. We had had one weekend abroad away together and that was it when I got pregnant. We are now 13 years down the line with a marriage, house and three lovely children to prove anyone wrong who thought it was too soon. We have enjoyed lovely holidays with the children and because we were still in our honeymoon phase for a few years (we sort of still feel like that now) they were still great and exciting. Do what your gut tells you but don't do anything to please anyone else. It's totally possible for things to work out wonderfully. Best of luck whatever you decide x

Looking practically at your situation 22 is not that young, you are definitely no longer a teen and you have been living an adult life for several years now.

A baby now fits perfectly into your career plans, plan to stay fresh with your career plans and look for a job as soon as baby is old enough and you are ready. I wouldn't take a gap of more than 2 years at this stage in your life as you need to consolidate your studies and get a graduate job. A short break would be similar to other graduates taking a gap year. I would suggest leaving a gap of 4-5 years before you choose to have a second child, this gives you time to get experience.

This only issue I see is that you have not been with your partner for very long. But you do say you have known him for a couple of years so this is a positive.

I think you need to consider how you would cope if you end up a single parent. You are unmarried, don't have a job yet and have only been with your partner 6 months. You are vulnerable. Of course these things sometimes work out but more often they don't. Having a baby puts a strain on any relationship and it will be even harder on a new one where you haven't built up the trust and understanding that comes with years together.

My mom, dad, and brother feel that I would be better off having a baby in a few years when I've got job security, we've got a mortgage and more money behind us. All fair although we do have a couple of grand in savings now. They feel I'm too young and we are both not ready to be parents and want me to have a termination. I think they'd come round if I told them no though.

While they no doubt mean well, it's your life, and your decision. DD was born when I was 21, we'd been together almost three years, and it was fabulous being young with her. I have no regrets, but the pressures were immense. We, too, were renting and the financial pressure especially does ramp up. Don't discount the pressures a baby will put on your relationship either.

I had my children younger than my friends.
We did not travel before having them but instead took them with us.

Had been amazing to take them around the world and experience those trips through their eyes and it also pushed me to do things in those trips I would Not have done without them.

There is never an ideal moment to have kids.

Only you and your partner can make the decision. Please don’t listen to your family - it is not them who have to live with the fallout.

MIL and FIL got pregnant as teens after 2 dates! They were married for 50 years :)

I have been in your shoes. I was 24 when I found out I was pregnant and had been with my now DH for 6 months and had just moved in together (we'd known each other for 2 years). When I found out he was shocked, but then pleased. We sort of just went along with it and assumed we'd keep it. To complicate matters his DM had just died and so I felt an enormous amount of pressure (from myself) to not contemplate an alternative. In the end I terminated at 9 weeks. I was worried we'd not been together long and knew that with our salaries and career prospects, having a baby at that point would significantly hinder our chances of buying a house and have more than one child for a long time. We were both pretty gutted. I didn't really "want" to do it but I knew it was right for us. Conversely keeping probably would have been right too but I think I made the right choice iykwim. I'll never forget how when I came out now DH looked at me with such hope and a few months later he confessed that he was hoping that when I came out i wouldn't have gone through with it. I feel awfully sad when I think about it, followed by sheer relief because now, a decade later, it's led to the life we have (a house we own, good work life balance and 3 children). We couldn't be happier.

It's such a personal choice and for most women a very hard choice. Talking it through is definitely a good idea, even if you're set on keeping it. Iykwim about your family - mine would have been the same. Against because of age and circumstances but ultimately ok if I went through with it - so don't factor them into it.

I made a list of pros and cons. It didn't actually help me decide but it helped me to see my reasons and feelings altogether. Maybe use this to help vocalise how you're feeling and you could take it along to the counsellor.

I would say you can't really predict the future, ideally you would have a house together, both in amazing jobs, plus transport, having lived your life. It doesn't always happen that way unfortunately.

Really it is your decision, whilst ok theoretically you could have an abortion and then try in a few years, but there's still lots you can do with a child. Plus depending on your plans, you could have total freedom (again theoretically) 16/18 years from now.

You've been through so much already, don't you feel attached to the baby? That's what I'd worry about with the scares you've had.

I'm sure all parents hope their DC have an amazing time in their 20's, I would say some of the best parents I know had children in similar circumstances to yourself.

Sorry this isn't really much help, please don't feel bullied into anything if like you said you booked into BPAS to appease your parents.

Wishing you all the best.

I don’t feel like there is a good time! I got pregnant at 26, both had a good jobs (him especially) had been dating for two years. Looked at a place to rent together on the Monday and he ended it on the Thursday.
I had to uproot my whole life because I had lived in a different part of the country for ten years and move back in with my parents l. Left my job, friends, life to have the baby. I could never of predicted he would just go! You need to do what you want!

Only you can make this decision but I would be far more positive than many - having a child first then building a career could work out really well, you can work part time getting some work experience at first then once your dc has nursery (30 hours paid at 3) you can start your career. Many people have babies at university and make a great success of their lives if they have the drive.

My advice would be, do what you want to do, don’t be pressured into making a decision by anyone else. Whatever you decide. Good luck OP, I hope everything works out for you.

I have no advice to your specific situation but just wanted to say i definately agree there is no right time to have a baby and things will just work themselves out if thats the way its meant to be. I got pregnant at 18, in my first year of uni, doing a part time job and living at home, had only been with my partner about a year. I never contemplated not keeping the baby and althought it was hard, i finished my uni degree (a couple of months behind of when i should have graduated) i kept my job and i moved in with my partner. I understand my life would have been much different without him and as a consequence i have never been on holidays without my son or done many things people did in their 20's etc because by then i was a single parent and prefered to be at home spending time with him. I won't ever know what might have happened if id made a different choice but i dont regret it. 10 years on i am now pregnant again and the father has walked out on me before i even had the first scan. Again i haven't considered not having this baby just because the circumstances aren't ideal, ive done it before and ill do it again.
At the end of the day you have to make the decision you wont regret the most, my choices wouldnt necessarily be the same made by others in my situation but it was the right decision for me.
I hope whichever decision you make, it all works out for you :)

In my opinion, there is never a perfect time to have a baby, you could always find an excuse to say it's not the right time. I had my first when I was 23, I was just finished college and training for my profession, but I am so glad we have him. He hasn't stopped us from travelling, we bring him everywhere with us, He's 5 now and has been on ten holidays/sightseeing trips so far. After maternity I got back to my job and got my head down and now managing a career as well as family life. I'm expecting number two now and again I could say the timing isn't great as I started a new job last March, but as I said I don't think there will ever be a perfect time, and if I keep waiting for the perfect time I could be waiting forever.

I agree with @Nathansmommy1, there is no perfect time to have a baby! Something is bound to always come up and put you off.

It's you and your partners choice. If you do feel ready, go for it! Your situation doesn't seem bad.

I got pregnant at 17 and I'm 21 now. Very young to get pregnant but I personally couldn't have gone through an abortion either times.

I have a 3 year old and I'm now 24 weeks pregnant. 2 failed relationships, but I'm a single mum with a decent paying job and I will most likely always be renting.

If you do feel like you want to leave it a couple years and have an abortion, do it. The decision is completely up to you two, don't let family members change your mind!

xx