To Mum or not to Mum?

[Goodynuf]

I'm a well educated young-ish woman. I am incredibly fortunate to have a secure job, home and partner. Recently married, the next expected step in our life would be to have a baby. We talk about this regularly! Usually me bringing it up!!! Now, my partner has always said if I want to have a child and get broody then he'd happily be a Dad, great stuff 😊👍 and for what it's worth I can't think of a better father figure, he's #amazeballs❤...BUT...do we get on with it?! I'd love to be a Mum, but I'm all too aware of the downsides thanks to family and friends sharing experiences... Our life is lovely as it is. But.. Times ticking, next decade is my fourth so I'm in that typical dilemma 2 mum or not 2 mum that is the question!!!...Sometimes I think it's a selfish thing to just think I'd like a child and therefore just to go and have one?! We're over populated, killing our planet and all... And the obvious question: what if I suck at being a mum?!?! Also, I really love my own time and I know parenting never stops, some days I think I'm also far too selfish for this sort of thing?! Anyone else in the same dilemma or have any advice?

This might sound really negative, but I find it useful to turn dilemmas upside down sometimes and think about which option I would most regret. Do you think you would feel that your life was fulfilled, at the end of it, if you weren't a mum? (I don't mean that as a leading question - of course for lots of people it is!)

Nothing to say about the selfishness of it I'm afraid, I agree that for the world it's probably better to not have any kids. I just really want one.

I think even if it's been your burning desire to be a mum what you're describing is completely normal!

We got married at 28 but wanted some time to do we wanted so we had some awesome holidays, saved up quite a bit and was still going to wait a few more years at 34ish.

Then my FIL got very sick and my DH wanted to bring it forward so we did. I don't think my DH anticipated getting pregnant so quickly (2nd month of no protection rather than tracking TTC). Now due a baby any day and FIL is in remission.

I don't think there is ever 100% perfect time and you have to factor in it taking a while or not!

I'm glad we didn't get pregnant within first year of marriage like a lot of my friends our marriage is a lot stronger having spent a few years married just the two of us but it's personal choice.

Hipstercat you're right that's a very good way to look at it 😊 👍 Thanks!

Thanks Twiglet 😊 we've been together a fair few years although not married for more than 1, in would like to think we're strong but what you say is right :). I feel like I don't have time to decide though as my mother went through early menopause so I don't know how long my options will run for and I'm mindful it may take a while to concieve...😶

I was in the same position and we had 10 years together before trying at age 37. I was worried I’d be selfish and wanted to keep our lovely life. I think I thought we had to completely change our lifestyle , start eating at family chain restaurants and shops and centre our weekends around child activities .
With one child we’ve found it hasn’t made things hard. we can just take her along to things, out to dinner , country walks, art galleries even. We still get to have alone time while the other parent plays with her.
I think if you can form a good healthy relationship with your partner then you’ll do that with your child too. My DP was worried about not being a good father but he I knew he wouldn’t be unengaged as he connects so well with me. I found it so hard to make the decision to try but once the bump formed felt on a high , like I was on endorphins. It was surprising .

I think unless you are really keen about being a mum then you shouldn't.

So many uncertainties along the road of parenthood and so many twists and turns. Possible disabilities & special needs, impact on employment & income, impact on relationships, impact on the mother's health.

I think if you're very keen and committed right from conception then this helps you navigate the journey better.

So wait a while and only jump in if you're keen and committed

We've always tried to be sensible, we've bought a house that can be adapted if we have a kid in the future that needed special facilities e.g. wetroom/ ground floor bedroom. I think we'd cope or I'd like to think we would, I wouldn't say we're selfish as it were in that respect but it's more about the what if...i.e. what if we'd end up totally miserable and regret the decision?

Some friends of ours made a child-free bucket list shortly after getting together. It was basically a list of once in a life time holidays which are suitable with kids. They agreed to do one a year and once they were all done, they'd start a family. The list also includes marriage, house and job/ training things.

They got married last year and this summer is the final bucket list holiday.

I really wish we'd done that!

If time is on your side do it!

I think if my mum had early menopause then I would look at bringing it forward personally.

But you can still have a awesome holiday or summer going to festivals seeing loads of friends etc and then stop trying to not get pregnant if that makes sense?! Make sure you take folic acid though and make sure that it's right for you guys as a couple.

If you have been on contraceptive a while it can take a while to settle your hormones back down. I came off the implant in October 2017 I didn't have any periods until Jan 2018 despite it apparently returning your fertility as soon as it's removed!

We are also planning on a trip with the baby to SE Asia during mat leave. People tell us we are crazy and yes we are doing it slightly differently (more hotels and internal flights) but life and fun doesn't stop because you have a child either it just changes in a different way!

I worked part time with a lady who had turned 40 and she was pregnant shortly after I started. She told me that she and her DH never planned to have kids and loved their lifestyle and obsessed with their little dog.

Approaching 40 her DH decided he would love just one child before it was too late. She agreed. She was so laid back about the whole pregnancy and impending arrival. However whilst on maternity she resigned from her job and went on to have more kids!! Totally fell in love and just wanted more. Was so unexpected.

Personally I don't know any family or friends especially in a strong relationship with a home and financial security who ever regretted having their children. But maybe people don't go around saying if they do.

We got married when I was 30 and are due our first just before I turn 39. It took a while to get the broody bug to be honest and I always worried about the issues you raise. It was a professional set back that made me reevaluate what I wanted from my life. Now I'm so glad I had that set back - in fact I'm planning to thank my boss for not giving me the promotion when I leave here!

I read a lot of articles and books by parents presenting all sides of the arguments - happy and regretful. I found it really helpful to making my decision. Have you read around?

I think if you can say you would like a child and are prepared for all the sacrifice that comes with having a child then you have your answer. When I say sacrifice, I don't mean it negatively but I think going from 0 children to 1 is the hardest adaptation in my opinion. I was 23 when I had our first born and I went from care free and living a very selfish life (not selfish but I only had myself to consider iyswim?) to being responsible for our tiny beautiful boys every waking minute, feeding, changing, and caring for him around the clock, I had 5% of the time I had before for myself even with a hands on OH. Holidays changed to family orientated trips abroad, not that I minded but even now he's 10, I don't sunbathe and chill the same, as I'm watching them swim etc. We eat out, not at chain restaurants but cocktail bars are saved for monthly date nights. My weekends are not spent shopping and lunching (not often anyway) I am on the side of a football pitch, dropping off and picking up from theatre school, and taking to kids parties. I have to plan well ahead to get my hair booked in..... All of these changes are worth it, I'm not trying to put you off at all I'll miss these things the most when they grow up and don't need me so much but if you think you know your life will change I thought I did and I never considered going to the shop for milk would be a process. Leaving the house is not even the same before kids 😂. I guess what I'm trying to say is I think if you think the lifestyle you have is so important to you it will change a lot unless you plan on having live-in nanny. If having a baby is just the next expected step then I personally would give it time until you are sure. That is of course unless you really feel a life without children will be unfulfilled. I disagree that time in your marriage before having children makes your relationship stronger though it may do for some but from my experience, my husband (then bf) and I didn't plan our first baby and it was early into our relationship but 11 years on we are as solid as ever, we had 10 months of just us time and we have since married, bought 2 houses, have 3 soon to be 4 children and travel each year, we love our lives together. I know plenty of people who have done things "the right way" and have happy marriages too, I just mean life isn't a check list, you know in your heart what you want, what you don't want and what you can't live without. X

No real advice as only you know what's best for you but I felt like you did and decided to go for it and be one and done. Loved it so much I now have four!!

If you’re young then there’s absolutely no rush. Enjoy your marriage first and see how you feel in a few years. FWIW absolutely everyone worries about whether they’ll be a good parent or not and the worrying doesn’t end when the children arrive or grow up either! It’s perpetual.