THE IN LAWS!!!

[YummyMummy2019]

Ok so I want to start this post clearly by saying I think the world of my in laws, they're amazing people and have hearts of gold!
However....

My husband only gets 2 weeks paternity and given his senior role is likely to have to still check emails make the odd call. Such is life.

So he's super keen to batten down the hatches and have our first two weeks with bubba just us 3 and our 9yo. As he very rarely gets any time off.

If our parents lived close by of course we'd be happy for the odd hour here and there, but they're in Cheshire we're in London. And they're in their 60s and 70s. So as much as I love then staying they do need to come for usually 4-5 days at a time as the journey tires them plus a lot of help and running around after which is exhausting at the best of times!! Let alone with a newborn in the first few weeks and a 9yo.

My question is are we being unreasonable wanting them to visit once we have some family time just us 3, obliviously will facetime, send a ton of photos of bubba etc. But I just can't face hosting for almost a week straight after a baby :( x

You only mention PIL in your title what about your parents?

No you’re not being unreasonable at all.

However, if they have to stay a few days when they do come, might it be easier to have your husband around to look after them? My partner’s parents are lovely too but they’re in their 70s and I can’t imagine anything worse than having them stay a few days and my partner not being there most of the time!

But you’re definitely not being unreasonable for wanting some time to settle in at home with the baby before having people to stay.

Absolutely not unreasonable.. I am due in 3 weeks and haven't even had the conversation with the in laws about when they can come down (we live about 3 hours away so they would have to stay also) my mum I have told can come down when he is born stay one night and go off home again until a later date. She can then see he's ok and I'm ok (she's also bringing the carry cot part of the pram that I'll be using for his naps when I'm downstairs so she needs to bring it ASAP. However everyone else has been told to stay away. My partner is going to France for a week at the end of March so I have organised for my grandma and sister to come down for the first 2 nights he's gone (even if I got over due baby will be minimum of 2 weeks old) and we have lots of dogs so the extra pair of hands will help with getting the extra bits done while having a new born (I'm a FTM and literally have no idea what to expect as don't have any baby experience at all) so until I get used to getting baby up and wrapped up etc enough to go outside to walk all the dogs and clean the kennels etc while little one is strapped to my chest it will be useful so really they're doing me the favour by coming when I have suggested to them. Plus my grandma can be a bit overwhelming so good that my OH isn't here when she is cause it will cause less stress! lol
You have to do what is best for you and your family unit, I had to tell my mum that she has to back off, I was starting to feel like my baby was everyone else's new family member and not mine as all she'd say is MY grandson this and MY grandson that etc. It's her first grandchild but still I was feeling like he wasn't MY son anymore xx

No not unreasonable at all and your OH is in agreement so it's not like you are feeling this against his wishes. I don't think I'd want my own parents staying 4-5 days at that time and I'd be much more relaxed with them as much as I love my in laws too, I still hate them to see any mess in my house and still feel like I need to play hostess despite them not being like that. My parents (well my mum) also couldn't hack staying over with us so I don't feel bad saying, as much as we are close were not sleep over sort of family. You need space and family time I agree anyway. Would you be OK if they came toward the end of your OH paternity leave maybe? X

I thought I'd be like this, but having my first baby just a few weeks ago, in the first 3 weeks of his life we had 3 days as a family with no interruptions, and didn't get our first day alone (no visitors or midwife visits) until day 13 post-birth. I actually loved it! I thought before I had the baby I'd want to be alone, but I really enjoyed company. It was exhausting but I grabbed naps where I could and family helped a bit with some jobs. However, you're not being unreasonable at all and I completely agree with your plan!

You say you have a 9 year old and then say 'My question is are we being unreasonable wanting them to visit once we have some family time just us 3,'

Yes sorry I meant four! I'm so used to saying the three of us x

I totally agree with you. My husband is only able to have max one week off as he is self employed running business with his dad....we ideally wanted no visitors during this week, but our parents live local to us and they were all having none of it 😩 so we have said they can come the day after we are home for max 2 hours each, and then want the rest of the week to ourselves with no visitors...this didn't go down great, but the compromise has been accepted. It's so hard as you're made to feel so bad wanting that time to yourself 😢
My parents kept saying they were coming to the hospital as I've said no visitors whilst we are there...I've actually put in my birth plan no visitors so they won't be allowed to enter the birth center 🤭
Your situation is different to ours as would have to stay for days...in which case I would stand your ground and enjoy the special time ❤️

Can they stay in a b&b or hotel nearby instead of with you?

@comeonbaby thanks! I totally get where you're coming from. Parents and grandparents can be so pushy! And I don't want everyone telling me how to do everything like I'm an idiot it drives me crazy haha

You are made to feel guilty! I had a thread on it and deleted it as people were saying I was a monster not wanting family round immediately and did I expect presents and then to be in my kids lives! Bit extreme if you ask me

Do you still have your parents around?

@YummyMummy2019 oh my god that is awful that people....who you don't even know pass such a nasty comment! People just love to have a row I find and I can't believe how judgmental some people on mn are 🙉 I'm made to feel guilty by my family only, I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks 😂
You have my full support to want to enjoy your time together as a new family and take in those precious moments as you can never get them back. Being as you would have to have them for 4-5 days I would stay stock to your guns and go with what you and your family (husband and other child) are happy and comfortable with ❤️
This is your labour, your baby, your family and your experience so do it your way xx

Of course you're being reasonable. It's there an option of them staying nearby and just popping in for a bit? (Assuming you'd be happy with that.) If not, they're going to have to wait.

I love my in laws but DH finds them incredibly stressful. As a result, he doesn't want them there for the first day, and that's causing enough of a challenge. (Particularly as I want my DM to visit - which he's happy with.) But, if he's going to be stressed with them there, that won't help him, me or the baby, so we have to find a way of saying no.

Good luck YummyMummy2019.

@PurpleDaisies
Yes I do but they're also up north - Newcastle - so even further!

But my parents are younger and still working so they'd usually do a weekend only and don't mind doing a hotel. Where's his parents wouldn't consider that option x