Antenatal depression after infertility

[felicityheather]

Hi,

I'm 23 weeks pregnant today with a much wished for and wanted baby. DH and I had been trying for 3 years and I had 4 miscarriages in the year leading up to this pregnancy.

I have a history of anxiety and panic attacks and started to notice it picking up towards the end of last year. Recently it has progressed to the point where I have been having strong disturbing thoughts. I keep finding myself considering a termination or suicide. I guess I've got antenatal depression or something?

I know in my mind that this baby is very wanted but I feel very much as though I will be a terrible parent and it would be better if we'd never gotten pregnant in the first place.

I've spoken to my DH about this and mentioned my anxiety had gotten a lot worse to my midwife at my appointment yesterday. She is referring me to a kind of mental health midwifery team which is great.

But I can't see a way through this. I just want to know it will get better. But I'm not excited at all. I don't want to talk about the pregnancy with friends or colleagues. I'm just so tired. I still throw up multiple times a day. I keep trying to pretend I'm not pregnant to myself so I don't have to think about it.

I guess I don't have much of a question...

Hi @felicityheather I can't offer any advice, but just wanted to offer a handhold.

I suffered badly from anxiety in my first pregnancy, and looking back, really ought to have sought help.

Well done for speaking to your midwife. I really hope you don't have to wait long for your appointment with the mental health midwife.

I know it seems rough now, but things will start to look better. hug

I too suffered from infertility and I'm now 34 weeks following ivf. I can relate to the having some really weird/disturbing thoughts. Mine were how I didn't deserve to be pregnant because I kinda viewed infertility as some sort of twisted punishment. I kept expecting things to go wrong (and tbf I've not had a very straightforward pregnancy but nothing life threatening or anything).

It's been better as I'm getting closer to the end. I'm not sure what's changed.

I know I'm not you and haven't gone through exactly the same things, but I think having doubts is kinda normal. I got so focused on the infertility and overcoming it that pregnancy hit me like a tonne of bricks. I'd lost sight of why we were having all the treatments etc...

Just know you aren't alone!! I'm really glad that your mw has referred you on, and hopefully they can reassure you and help you find something that helps!!

Ante and postnatal depression is really common and hopefully the perinatal mental health team will be in touch soon to support you.

In the meantime there is a charity called PANDAS which supports women during and after pregnancy who are suffering from depression and anxiety. They have a helpline which might be useful.

Don't be afraid to seek further support from your GP if you feel you're not coping prior to your referral. There is help out there and things will get better, best of luck.

I've only been trying for two years and got pregnant just before we got to the treatment stage, and I don't feel as bad as you do, but I can relate. Getting pregnant had always been an extremely scary thought to me, and that fear got kind of pushed away when TTC proved so much more difficult than we thought. I was so focussed on the fear of not being able to have a baby, that I forgot how scared I was of having one! Now that it's real, it's pretty terrifying.

I don't have any real advice to you, except to follow up with your midwife and/or GP if you don't get an appointment letter soon. I talked about my anxiety to the midwife at 8 weeks, and at 13 weeks she called me for something else and asked me to repeat again what I was afraid of and said she would refer me to the antenatal mental health time. All that time I was under the impression she had already done that, and that the letter was in the post. It sounds like your situation is fairly urgent so you might want to just call them in a few days and ask if the referral has been done already. It depends how good your midwife is, but in my experience the GP has been a lot more helpful in getting things done quickly.

I hope you get help soon, and as everyone else says, I'm sure it will get better! You will most likely feel excited when your baby has arrived, and even if you don't, that's also very normal and doesn't make you a bad parent. It's all just very overwhelming, and pregnancy hormones don't make it any easier. Be kind to yourself and talk to people you trust.

Thanks everyone. It's nice to not feel so alone.

I just wanted to update if anyone comes across this in the future. I'm now 37 weeks and very excited to meet little one. I managed to get (some) support from perinatal mental health team and have had one session of CBT so far. Having a chat with the midwives actually helped a lot. I believe I was having trouble bonding and getting excited because I was scared it would work out badly. The closer I got to me due date the more relaxed I felt that things would have a good outcome. I think when I wrote this post I was at the peak of my anxiety / depression and it gradually improved week by week. I'm anxious now, but I think it's a normal 'I'm about to have a baby' level and it's mixed with excitement about meeting our little man. I can't wait to have him safely in my arms.