Advice on not feeling maternal.

[Megan91]

Hi everyone,

Just needing some other peoples opinions on my problem. I am around 8 weeks pregnant, not planned i was on the pill and always been extremely careful not to miss a day as iv never wanted to be a parent. However my pill did not work and this pregnancy has come a surprise to both myself and my husband. When i found out i cried not with happiness but with shock and being extremely scared and not knowing what to do. My husband and I have always said we would maybe have 1 child but it wouldn't be for many years yet if we had 100% decided to do it. We spoke alot about what we were going to do and we did decide to keep the baby. I felt telling parents would help me feel better about it and they are over the moon we are pregnant but I am extremely unhappy. I am not excited about it al all and im not maternal in the slightest. People keep telling me this will change and its totally different when its your own etc but personally i do not see my feelings changing. Every time i see a baby i avoid it even scrolling through social media photos i see baby pics and scroll past. Im more interested in someones dog than someones baby. I feel im going to be having this baby for our parents rather than ourselves. As so few people know i dont really have anyone else i can talk tto about this. Iv had such bad nausea and been extremely unwell with the pregnancy i feel completely drained with it all.

Hi @Megan91 I felt the same 2 years ago when I found out I was pregnant, we weren't trying and I cried too from shock and worry.. baby didn't make it but now I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant with our first and we planned it. I'm over the moon! I got this sudden 'baby fever' and it just never left. I guess all people are different but when you have your baby your maternal instincts will kick in and... well there's no going back 😂
Ask me this 2 years ago and I would not have the slightest interest in becoming a mum, babies were a big no go. Now I'm happy as Larry and cannot wait to hold my little one in my arms, the fact of becoming a mother to my own child! It's amazing. I wouldn't worry too much about it and good luck! X

Oh! And I'm also still a big dog person too! I don't think that will ever change when baby comes either haha

Here's my current 'baby'

Thanks @PhoebeBear for replying. Yeah everyone tells me the exact same, I just cant see it changing for me. I have nephews and I love them but when they were babies id avoid them. Now they are grown im fine. Iv just never beeb maternal at all and now im pregnant I feel this has confirmed it even more so for me now. I dont feel ready and I know no one is probably ever ready even when its planned. Im just scared i resent the baby rather than love it

You don't need to feel 'maternal' (and you never hear men being described as 'paternal' or worrying that they're not!). You don't need to be crazy about babies, you don't need to coo over your friend's babies on Facebook, you can be a perfectly fine mother to your own baby without doing any of that.

But: you really don't seem happy about this at all. And actively avoiding babies and even pictures of babies goes a bit beyond just not being interested, that's a pretty extreme level of aversion.

I think it's worth speaking to a counsellor about this, just to have someone you can confide in who you don't have to worry about saying the 'right' thing for. If you don't want to continue with this pregnancy they can help you make a clear decision about that, and if you do then they can help you get to a mental place where you're less scared and unhappy about all of this.

@Megan91 maybe try talking to your midwife about it? I know during pregnancy your hormones are all over the place and it could be that. It would be best and she can give you some advice rather than you feeling this way and god forbid baby comes and you still don't feel anything towards it x

@53rdWay thanks for your reply, I appreciate your comment as I needed some clarification if this was more than just not being maternal and you are definitely right. I feel it may be beneficial for em to speak to my midwife or a counsellor about this. I feel in 2 minds each time thinking would i regret it if i didn't keep the baby etc. I am a little confused as to what i want.

I was the same - it was totally unplanned & although we spoke about having a baby at some point - I don’t think I would have even been ‘reaady’. I was in tears for weeks leading up to the 12 week scan. After we had the first scan it started getting a bit more real and it was then a bit more exciting after I saw it on the screen. I’m 32 weeks now and excited to meet baby. I think it takes us 40 weeks to get our head around it to be honest! You’re not alone don’t worry!

Our baby was planned but i still felt like you do. When I told my mum she said "oh, i didn't think you'd have kids" (cheers mum!) I really really struggled to come to terms with it and felt so guilty - hated telling people or talking about it. When I had the 12 week scan it felt a bit more real but it's only in the last couple of weeks I've felt excitement. I heard the heartbeat a few days ago and can feel baby moving, now I honestly can't wait. I still have a fear of the life change and not being naturally maternal but that's normal for some people ! Try not to be so hard on yourself x

It’s been proven that pregnancy rewires your brain. Hormones are very powerful. I was exactly like you - hated all kids - but as my pregnancy progressed I started to quite like babies and love my own. In the beginning I was terrified and cried because I didn’t want a baby, and I cried and panicked regularly throughout my pregnancy, but in the last couple of months something changed and I just felt calm and loving and excited. So I wouldn’t worry if you don’t like babies right now. Your body has ways to make you love them!

Most people keep telling me that by 12 weeks when i see a scan it may change etc, however iv had an early scan due to some complications and i did see the baby although it was very tiny and i didnt feel anything im annoyed at myself that i feel this way and i keep trying to change my view but its not working. Friends who are pregnant at the moment are sending photos of scans and things they have bought for their baby and they seem so excited and I just have no interest in it at all. It takes me all my energy to even reply to them. I just have no idea what to do.

You do have time to think and wait until you have to make any final decisions. I would wait a couple more weeks. I say that because honestly, I am not at all baby orientated. I am an older mum. I didn't really think I wanted a child until more recently. I love teenagers but really didn't have the baby mindset. I know lots of women are so excited etc about small babies and honestly I am so happy and cannot wait to meet our little person but I sometimes feel my reaction has not been "the norm". I now realise there is no such thing.

All that said, I had my 20 week scan this past weekend and I did shed a tear - first one yet. Suddenly I did have that feeling of overwhelming love and excitement. I've just never been a broody woman or a woman who imagined my life with children etc. I don't think that means I'll be any less good at it or loving. It's just who I am. I've been very career driven and love my freedom. I've decided to "give up" my career for a year and I am so looking forward to it all now.

It sounds as though you are in shock and I was a bit too. My DH is actually quite a broody person and even he took a good few weeks to get over the shock and be excited about a baby. So be kind to yourself, find someone to talk it all through with and give yourself some time.

Hi. I can’t know how you are feeling but I’d say that plenty of people have babies not because they want a BABY but because they want children and a family. I have two LOs and didn’t expect to enjoy the baby phase at all. I did but once they were little people it was much better.

And as everyone says, other people’s babies are gross and boring, but your own will be enthralling and beautiful.

Keep talking to people xx

We were TTC and I still felt like you in the early days I'm now 38 weeks and still have mixed days when I think crap what am I supposed to do with a baby.......

I personally think it already shows that you have instinct you just haven't realised it, your questioning because you want to do right by the baby subconsciously your showing your maternal side.

Many of our friends who live away don't even know I'm pregnant I've avoided announcements, photos etc. This has helped me as I don't want to answer the questions about being excited etc. I felt a better connection with the baby when he started kicking, also had a scare and that also helped in a strange way as I was so worried it made me realise how much I did want the baby.

It's also completely OK for you to hate pregnancy people around you who say that it's amazing, don't you love it blah blah well some do but for many this is mostly a front! I hate being pregnant and it's OK to say that! I was surprised when at work I was having a tough day and said it out loud, at least 3 of my colleagues said yep I was exactly the same!

Definitely speak to your midwife about your feelings and also know it's OK to feel like this!

Hi I’m new! Does anyone know how @Megan91 is doing? I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant and could have written her post myself! I am suffering extreme sickness, nausea and fatigue. The whole process is making me miserable and I’m regretting getting pregnant. My DH has always wanted kids, I haven’t. My pets are my children and I’m grieving my easy/uncomplicated life already. Our parents are happy which actually makes me more miserable; I’ve told them to stop celebrating. I’m a funeral arranger and have spent the last 5 years arranging funerals for NVFs and stillborns as we hold a contract with a local hospital. However sad it was I couldn’t understand why these parents held funerals for things they never knew. Sounds dreadful to say out loud but I’ve just never had a maternal instinct. I weep over animals dying, I support animal charities, I coo over animals - not babies, not children. Help?!

My experience is a little different but I had horrid pregnancies the kind where the baby might
Not be ok at the end of it. I didn’t allow myself to love the first one. I almost pretended nothing was happening. I then struggled for over a year to bind with him. Had o sought help during pregnancy I don’t think this would be the case.

You could have antenatal depression which is a risk factor for post natal depression. Talk to GP or midwife they and the perinatal mental health team are there to help.

Four and nine months later I couldn’t be more bonded to my boys. But it took a long time with first. No rushes of amazing love for me. An overwhelming desire to protect but love cake later with their personalities.

I don’t know about you @LittleBigTime but it does help (albeit the tiniest bit) that I’m not the only one feeling this. My mum says I’ll feel mentally better when I feel physically better but I’m just not so sure.

My DH is and always has been the same as yours and will “leave the decision to me” - it doesn’t help and is a cop-out I feel. I had hoped we were infertile so he couldn’t guilt trip me in to not wanting a child.

I’m glad there is a forum for women like us because these feelings are real but they’re taboo. I wish you well with whatever decision you make ❤️

@Megan91
I was just wondering how you're doing now 8 months down the line from your op? X

I'm searching for the same answers and came across your feed. Did your feelings about it all change a year down the line?