Going through a tough time

[Babyboymama]

Hi, I’m writing this here because I really don’t know what to do and I’m driving myself round the bend.

I had a baby boy 3 months ago and I absolutely adore him but I’m miserable because of my boyfriend.

We got together and fell pregnant quite quickly and all throughout my pregnancy we argued, we hardly saw each other and almost split up so many times. I didn’t feel like he supported me at all and he didn’t pay for anything baby related which was the reason for most of our arguments. We managed to pull it together before baby was born and we were okay for the first month or so after the birth.

But now it’s all just breaking down again. I moved in about a month before my son was born so we now live together but I’m miserable. My boyfriend barely helps out, he hasn’t got up with the baby ever during the night so I’m exhausted all the time, he doesnt help clean and he doesn’t really know what he’s doing with the baby who almost always cries when he’s with him but if I try and help he gets annoyed at me!

We go out to try and have some time together but end up arguing and all I want to do is leave him but I don’t want this to badly affect my son and I feel like I should give it longer to settle down because everything is so new to us but I feel like doing that I’m just going to get more and more down 😔

Oh and yesterday he put our 12 week old baby in his friends car - he told me he had a baby seat so it was okay but I realised later on that his friends child is 3 so it was not a baby seat at all and when I asked him about it he told me ‘it was one of those ones that always stays in the car and was facing the same way as the normal seats’ so he’d put our baby who can’t even sit up unsupported yet in a forward facing child seat and when I told him how dangerous that was he just said ‘we only went 5 minutes down the road’ and it’s driving me mad to think that he put my baby’s life at risk and doesn’t even seem to realise or care how serious that is!!!

I know this is a long rant but I just really need to get stuff off my chest - if I leave I could stay with a family member so I know I have somewhere safe for me and my son to live I just don’t want to do anything that I’d regret later on.

Has anyone got any advice?

Leave. It sounds like he still has some serious growing up to do. It also sounds like he makes your life harder, rather than easier and that you aren't happy because of his attitude and behaviour.

I haven't been in this situation but reading through this it seems like you already know what you want to do.
To me it sounds like your life would be easier being a single mum. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and a lot to learn about babies, in particular their safety.
You can always try again in the future to make it work if he grows up but for now I think your focus needs to be on yourself and your baby so if it was me I would leave.
Not an easy decision to make though so don't rush into anything.

Sorry you're having such a tough time. To be honest it your boyfriend sounds like a waste of space and you'd be better off leaving sooner rather than later. It doesn't sound like you see any future in the relationship, so why drag it out?

He definitely does have a lot of growing up to do but he doesn’t think that himself so I don’t think he’s going to change.
Also I tried talking to him a couple of times and I said I was thinking about leaving and he gets really mad and says I’m taking his son away from him almost as if I wouldn’t let him see him. I’ve told him he can see him as much as he likes because I’m not going to hurt my son by keeping him away but he just won’t reason with me and see things how I see it so I’m worried it’s going to make things very difficult

Not been in your exact situation, but very smilar. I got pregnant when we hadnt been together long, he stood by me so we made plans to move in together etc. Me and my family brought the majority of baby things and i moved in with my partner when my son was 5 months old (this was the earliest they offered a council house) my family kitted out the whole house for us, i think he brought the tv as that was the only important thing to him. I then wasted 3 years being in a very unhappy relationship with somebody who contuined to live life like he was single and barely lifted a finger to do anything with his son. In the end i asked him to leave the house which he refused so i made plans to move out and didnt tell him the final details about us moving until about a week before so that he couldnt make promises and try to change my mind etc. It was the best thing i ever did, if i could go back id never move in with him in the first place, the warning signs were there from day 1. Being a single parent can be tough but its far easier than being with somebody who makes you unhappy.
And just to add, my ex has continued to be a rubbish father, sees my son currently once every 2 months if he's lucky despite the fact he lives round the corner. He has also driven him in his car when he was about 5 without being in a car seat at all and in the front seat, because in his words well he's old enough not to need one. Don't kid yourself into thinking it will get better, not saying your situation is the same as mine but from what you have said id have been making plans to get out of there yesterday.

@Ccec thank you for sharing that with me, it does sound like it was a similar situation. If you don’t mind me asking, did your son ever seem unhappy not living with his dad? I never wanted to move in together in the first place but I thought I had to give my son the chance of having a family and he’s the only reason I’m still here right now. I’m just worried I’m taking that away from him

It sounds like the relationship wasn't working even before you had your son, and staying together for the sake of your baby, although completely understandable, is what you're doing. In my opinion, if you make each other unhappy then this in itself is not going to be a healthy relationship for your son to grow up in the middle of. I would say having happy, loving parents is what is important rather than parents that are simply together.
If you are unhappy and don't enjoy your life with him, your son will grow up seeing you both miserable, arguing and unhappy. I think you should do what you think is the right thing for your relationship, and whatever the outcome, this will be the best for your son too. If you are better people apart then you will be better parents apart.
Would you have support in terms of looking after baby and giving you a break etc if you did leave? Xxx

Your son won't thank you when he's older for staying with his dad, he will pick up on your unhappiness. What he will thank you for though is giving him a happy childhood and family home. You do know what to do. It will be difficult but you'll get there, think of your happiness because that's what will determine your son's happiness.

Big hugs xx

@Babyboymama I understand completely your concern, i told myself for years it was better that we stayed together as a family because despite being so unhappy i put on a happy face and we did enjoy some days out together as a family etc but that was rare because he spent most of his free time out with friends or doing his own thing as if he had no responsibilities. I am just grateful my son has no real memories of living with his dad and growing up in an unhappy home. It took me a long time to realise the worst thing isnt having parents who dont live or arent together but it's having 2 parents living together who are bringing up children in an unhappy home. And it doesnt have to mean your son wont have a relationship with his dad, just because my ex was uselss, i know plenty of men who step up and do the right thing for their children and they grow up happy with both parents in their lives. It's not an easy decision to make to leave but it will be the right one. My son is 11 now and we are really close, he's old enough now to realise and understand that his dad has never treated him the way dads should and has never blamed me for that. He's had a happy childhood and ill never regret my decisions.