Dealing with grief in pregnancy??

[Yorkymidge]

Hi,
A sad post i’m afraid. My partner’s grandma passed away yesterday after a battle with cancer. They were extremely close, as was i and he visited her almost every day. He was her youngest grandson and she was over the moon that she got to see the youngest having a son of his own and even promised that she wouldn’t let go until she’d met him (she was expected to have a further 3 months so died rather suddenly). He always spoke about how much he wanted our son to meet her and all the things they could do together.
Now the problem is, i’m 39+3 so she passed very close to my due date. He’s not coping well at all - understandably as it was only yesterday but he keeps disappearing to “clear his head” and selfishly, i feel like he needs to be next to me as i feel very uncomfortable and like i could go into labour at any time. He doesn’t drive, so if he wanders too far he may not make it back in time if i go into labour. What am i supposed to do? I feel so selfish but so needy. I also feel sorry for my son who will have to be born around the time his great-grandma died and therefore his birthday will forever be surrounded by the reminder, as he’s brought into a family of grief.

Another thing - he said to me today that he would want our baby to go to the funeral, the baby would merely be a matter of days/weeks old and i don’t know how i feel about this. I wouldn’t want to leave him so young with my parents for example, but equally i don’t think a baby should be attending a funeral and i’d probably have to leave at least once if he begins crying etc.

I’m so lost, confused and upset.
Any advice would be appreciated,
Thank you.

It happened a few years ago, but I was approx 3 months pregnant at the time when my father had a heart attack. He was in hospital for about 3 weeks and then had another heart attack and died. He was only in his early 50s. It was a big shock and very traumatic, But you get through it because there is no alternative.

@VictoriaBun
I’m sorry for your loss. I think i’m more concerned because our son is literally due in days and this whole thing is such a mess, i’m stressing myself out too much.

Really sorry to hear your news. I think first and foremost, everyone deals with their grief differently and there isn’t a right or wrong way. It sounds like your partner is wanting space and I think you should respect that, but try having a conversation about the fact that you feel vulnerable and need to know he could be home when you need him to be if you go into labour. Perhaps you agree he stays within a certain timeframe to get back and has his phone on and is contactable.

Try not to worry that your babies birthday will be forever tainted - the grief is raw right now but it will get easier with time and a new baby is still a joy even in difficult circumstances.

And lastly try not to stress about the funeral. At the moment I am guessing you don’t have a date yet, take each day as it comes and have the discussion with your partner when it is closer. You don’t know how you will feel and it may be that you do feel up to it or don’t feel up to it depending on how close it is to the birth but either way no point in having that conversation now based on so many unknowns. It can take a couple of weeks to organise but you might be lucky and get it in before you go into labour.

I’ve been through it myself recently - I lost a parent in my first trimester. All I can say is take each day as it comes and let everyone grieve in their own way. Xxx

So sorry for your loss. I am in a similar situation as my DH’s mother died last Friday after being diagnosed terminal 9 days before. I’m 35 weeks pregnant so not as far along as you but I’m hoping our little girl will bring some light at a very dark time.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

My lovely grandmother died 4 years ago. My cousin was expecting what would have been DGM’s 1st great grandchild, who was born the very next day! He was 2 weeks old for the funeral and slept in his pram the whole way through. I think a baby that young is fine at a funeral, but of course up to you and indeed you may still be pregnant?

It was dreadfully tragic my DGM never got to meet her little greatgrandchild, and yet his birth was incredibly uplifting for my DM and my 2 aunts who had just lost their mother yet almost simultaneously gained a grandchild/grandnephew and with him a new focus. Yes his birth rolls round each year and coincides with her death, but it is something to be celebrated, too (I appreciate I am more removed from it than you/your DP). It was DGM’s time to go and lovely at least that she had the anticipation of a great grandchild. I am sure the same can be said of your DP’s grandmother.

I wish you all the best with the remainder of your pregnancy. Perhaps your son’s name can in some way remember your DP’s GM - a middle name of something/somewhere special to her, or her maiden name?

Sadly I've been on both sides of this whilst pregnant. when I pregnant first time round DHs dad died when I was four months pregnant. He wasn't really there for me and I resented it. He didn't want to burden me with it so would go out a lot and I stayed at home and cried and just couldn't get my head around it.

Then when I was pregnant second time round my DM died when I was 37 weeks pregnant after a short illness. All of a sudden I got my DH behaviour and how consuming grief is. I attended her funeral at 39 weeks but managed to not go into labour.

I feel robbed that both pregnancies were tinged with grief in a way, but equally the babies were a great distraction and bought so much joy to everyone.

All I can say is let him have some space if you can it's very raw, have you got someone else who can just be with you for now? I know you want him but he's going to be so preoccupied, I think it's best he tries grieve whilst he can. When baby comes you have no time to grieve and I did all mine for three mins a day in the shower which just wasn't enough.

In terms of funeral you may still be pregnant but newborn babies are very portable it just depends on how you are post labour. I think of you could go it would be nice but just say can we see how it goes after baby comes.

Sorry that was really long but I've been on both sides and wanted to say I know how shit you're both feeling. Be kind to yourself and to him during this tough time x

@Bellafreud
Thank you for your advice, it’s nice to hear from someone who has a level head and isn’t involved in the situation. I’m sorry to hear of your loss.

@PurpleFlower1983
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m trying to think of that positive too, it’s just such a difficult time and some of his side of that family are awkward and will no doubt not celebrate the birth due to this.

@Popskipiekin
Thank you so much for your input. The funeral has been set for 15th Feb so he will definitely be here by then - maximum a few weeks old. I’m just worried that he’d create a fuss and i’d have to leave half way through when i would love to pay my own respects to her. I’m unsure of how i feel about it really, especially since he’d be so young and meeting a lot of his family for the first time at a funeral is odd to me.

@ChipsAreLife
Thank you so much for your advice and guidance, it means a lot to me at this difficult time as i’m just a little lost and confused. I’m sorry that your pregnancies were tainted - such happy times overcome by grief is an awful feeling.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a totally consuming thing and very hard to get through whenever.

When it comes to the funeral I would say don't forget what the family would want as well and what your DH's Grandma would have wanted. She so wanted to meet your little one. Would she forgive a bit of newborn fussing for the whole family to be together if you could have asked her? What about everyone else?

Also - could you take your Mum or someone else from the family who could take the baby out for a short time if needed but who was less close to DH's grandma? That way you can still pay your respects and be part of the day assuming baby can be calmed for a little while by someone else.

Just a thought. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

I’m feeling incredibly selfish today. My DH (understandably) doesn’t want to do anything at the moment, he’s in that awful, numb state and we’re both really upset over his lovely mum. But I’m also feeling the urge to prepare for the baby, I want to get the house nice and clear the remaining clutter but I’m struggling alone as I’m feeling the physical burden of the last few weeks of pregnancy. I wish I could push a pause button but I can’t. I’m not putting any pressure on my DH though, this is the worst thing to have ever happened to him, but I do have other things on my mind that are causing anxiety. I think I need to talk to one of my friends to offload!

@lifechanginglemoncake
Thank you for your advice on the funeral. I hadn’t thought of someone else being able to take the baby outside if necessary - thank you for that. My partner, his mum and Auntie all want him there, nobody else has mentioned it although i am feeling the pressure to take him there but it just feels so strange to me. My opinion is that babies shouldn’t be at funerals but i guess sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to.

@PurpleFlower1983
It’s such an awful, lonely time, isn’t it? I feel exactly the same as you. My due date is 2 days away and want to get the final prep done but feel like i’m not allowed to be happy.