How to tell people you’re pregnant - difficult situation

[anniemay123]

Hi,

I’m 14 weeks pregnant and finding it strangely hard to tell people - I don’t really know why. It’s a planned pregnancy - maybe I just feel strange growing up!

The main thing Im worried about is telling one of my friends at work - we get on really well and go on walks together, have tea together and see each other outside of work. She’s not one to warm to people easily so I feel like she regards me as someone she cares about.

My issue with telling her stems from the fact that when I told her I was engaged (she was the only one I told at work) she reacted badly and didn’t talk to me for the whole day. She also reacted badly to someone bringing their baby into work.

I’m not offended or upset about her behaviour - I know where she is coming from - She’s single and has never really been in a relationship - she also recently found out she has a gene mutation that puts her at very high risk of ovarian cancer. So in the not-too-distant future she will have to consider her options regarding having her ovaries removed.

I want to tell her in a way that makes her know that she’s important to me - but I also don’t want to put her in a position that means she has to face me upset or return to the office upset.

Any suggestions? I read somewhere about texting people who may find news like that difficult because it allows them to process the information in their own time - but she lives alone and I don’t want her to be upset by herself.

Phone her on a Friday night so that she has the weekend to process the news before she sees you on Monday?

You sound like the most incredibly lovely and considerate friend! I'm also 14 weeks and I found it quite hard to tell people too - maybe it is just because it is quite a personal thing to talk about, especially with work colleagues who one might get on well with, but not necessarily on an in-depth personal level?

If I were you, I wouldn't do text as she might wonder why you wouldn't tell her face to face? And also, you'll be worrying about her reaction - which isn't good for you! Maybe tell her when you are doing something together outside work? It might be easier for her to digest when she's not in the work environment. And I would try to make her feel valued as much as you can - like say how much it will help you to have her support and so on. I'm sure she will be super happy for you really, but it might take her a little time to get past her own conflicted personal feelings about her situation to be able to express that, if it makes sense. Try not to take it personally if it takes her time and fingers crossed for you that it all goes well!

I disagree with the above poster - this is one of those situations where a text or email would be the better way to tell her. That way she will have the chance to take in the news and process it without being put on the spot and put on a brave face (which she sounds like she would struggle with tbh)
I wouldn’t send a scan picture either.

I would agree a text would be best here, where she can have her initial reaction in private and then come about afterwards.
Congrats to you xx

@anniemay123 I felt the same at first, ours is a planned pregnancy too but telling family and stuff I was so nervous! I had this feeling as if I was guilty and had did something wrong (it's hard to explain) 😂
Anyways 1 December I made little Christmas baubles with a baby sock in them and gave them to family as a present, they were over the moon! Then I announced it on social and basically everyone knew then. Work wise I had to tell boss as soon as I found out as my job includes lifting heavy objects and such x good luck😊

I think texting is the best idea, that way if she does have a different reaction then she has a chance to have it before the texts back.
When you said about her having the risk of overian cancer it may upset her and she might be dreaming of a family she might not have one day herself x

I think a text is probably best and I think it’s wonderful that you’re sensitive to her feelings. I was in the same boat and had a couple of friends I dreaded telling so did it by text and it was fine. If they were upset for themselves by my news they didn’t show it to me and have both been really lovely about it. I also sympathise with your friend’s situation regarding her cancer risk, that’s an awful, scary position to be in.

However, I think not talking to you for a day when you got engaged and her reaction to someone bringing in a baby is completely unreasonable. I appreciate it’s hard for her but everyone has their own life and challenges and the world keeps turning. She can’t expect everyone to not have babies to make life easier for her.

So while I think that you’re right to be sensitive about it and give her time to process, to be honest I wouldn’t get too worried about it and if she handles it badly and doesn’t want to talk to you that’s not your fault. It may be hard for her but it’s still lovely exciting news for you and friendship should go both ways.

I think text her and say in the text that you wanted her to be the first person you told before you announced it properly at work. This will giver her some time and also hopefully assess how she deals with it. If she is a good friend she will treat you as lovely as you are treating her. Her situation is very difficult but you are doing it in the kindest way and hopefully, she can be a part of your child's life too.

Tell her as you finish work for the day, ask her if she wants to go for a coffee.
This way you can show you care, but also give her time to process it if she needs to be alone.

Please don’t tell someone who is facing never having children that you’re pregnant face-to-face. A text is far better.

I was worried about telling my friends going through ivf, mainly because I read lots on this forum from women struggling with infertility and how horrendous they find baby announcements. I text in the end, which felt impersonal but took advise from people here, it went well and they were brilliant, of they were upset they didn't show it at all they asked loads of questions and even made arrangements to meet me ASAP. I read on mumsnet recently a thread of a woman struggling to conceive and having had her friend get pregnant almost instantly after trying, she said she was going to end their pregnancy as she couldn't deal with her own jealousy, others said they understood and they had hated their pregnant friends and strangers too, loads over Christmas posted you shouldn't share your baby news on social media to protect people struggling with infertility and that scan pics are the most hurtful thing... I was so shocked to read loads of these things and stressed so much about telling people after, I didn't even tell family unti recently. I think your friends previous reactions sound true to the type of person on here that is going to be extremely unhappy about it but mine aren't, I worried for so long and they were both amazing, one even told me I must not feel awkward around her the other asked if we can have a gender reveal-not what I'd built myself up for at all even though I know them inside out and they haven't got a mean/negative streak in them at all no matter what they are going through. Neither are trying to distance themselves from me either, I've seen them since and have more plans. Not everyone is the same though, i have a friend who hasn't been trying but is 35 this year with no partner but wants one and a family and she moans about and hates baby showers, being a bridesmaid, weddings etc all behind the organisers/mum/brides back but if she wasn't included in these things she'd be as upset... It's very difficult but I care about her so I spend my life playing down my wedding, marriage, family holidays, pregnancies, weight loss success etc and listening to her moan about others even when I think its daft. My friends going through ivf aren't the same sort of people though, I'm starting to realise you must be sensitive to people you care about but you can't live your whole life around others who will never clap when you win. My friends going through ivf and infertility are incredible maybe they are an exception to the rule but even if they are sad they have put my feelings and our friendship before that and I will do whatever I can to help them too. Good luck with your friend don't worry just give her time and if she doesn't deal with it and distances herself remember it is not your fault. X

*end their friendship not pregnancy

I think a text or email is best - explain that you understand she might be upset and want to tell her so she can deal with the news in private.

As someone who has had to to have ivf, being told about pregnancy via text is the best way. It just gives them a chance to digest the information. I’m sure she will be very happy for you

I wouldn’t put that you know she’ll find it hard etc. It’s bad enough feeling upset when others are pregnant, it’s worse when they tell you they know you can’t react normally to happy news. I’d just send a factual text saying you’re pregnant with no scan picture.

I agree with purpledaisies, I was advised to say I understood how they must feel but I didn't write that as I really didn't. Plus I think they'd have been more offended if they thought I thought they'd struggle to be happy for me.x

Agree with a text. Means she can react on her own without upsetting you and will have calmed down by the time you see her again

My issue with telling her stems from the fact that when I told her I was engaged (she was the only one I told at work) she reacted badly and didn’t talk to me for the whole day. She also reacted badly to someone bringing their baby into work.

^She didn’t talk to you for the whole day? She sounds batshit

Thanks for the advice ladies, much appreciated!