Already sweating over in-laws

[ManchesterMummy2b]

Happy July! (lovely weather...)

Can someone offer any advice? I'm 26 weeks and am already fretting about having to entertain hoards of in-laws once the baby's born. My dh's cousin had a baby earlier in the year and they treat that poor child like a trophy - waking her from naps, crowding round nappy changes. Interrupting feeds to pass her round to the next unsuspecting family member. It's very upsetting (for me and dh, anyway).

I've got to the point where I have decided that I don't want any visitors in hospital when the baby comes. My MIL wouldn't accept "you only please" and would turn up with all of them. Unfortuntely, this means I've told my own mother she cannot visit and she seemed quite upset. Not my intention, but I don't like double standards so that's the way it has to be.

In-laws seem to want a piece of me, and are coming out with comments that I am finding quite hurtful. (drinking water from a wine glass at family party - the only clean glass dh could find for me - "that better be water". Telling me I'm far too small for dates, and then that I'll never be slim again). Telling me I'm old at 28 to be a first-time mum. Telling me that we're going to face a life of poverty when we lose my salary. Which we will not as I am going back to work - I earn as much as dh thanks but they don't care about that.

Sorry to have turned this into rambly rant. It helps that dh understands, but he doesn't get how much this is stressing me out. My family are all over the place and I only have my parents nearby.

Anyone? Am I losing my mind over nothing?

Thanks in advance

You are right to come up with some sort of plan between you and DH, before the baby arrives.

Can he talk to them? - it's his family after all. Can't you pretend the hospital has some rule about only 2 visiotrs at a time?? I would shamelessly lie if it keeps the peace and means you get what you want.

It seems a shame your Mum can't come if you'd like her there - would the in-laws ever find out she'd been??

They probably wouldn't find out, but knowing my MIL she'd turn up anyway with the rest of them in tow. Plus I don't think my parents like her (they have no patience with slightly stupid people and fusspots) and the thought of them all in the same place at once is truly horrendous.

Dh won't talk to her - he doesn't want to upset her. Although he is finally realising that sometimes, I come first, and not his mum, or worse, his very demanding sister. Maybe by October he'll have got to grips with this!

My mum's being brill and I hate the thought for her being upset. Her mum drove her potty when I was born so she is really trying to not let the same thing happen.

Might be a good idea to let your inlaws be in the same area as your mum - she might go all mother bear on them and that would be a good thing!

Hi MM2b - congratulations and sorry that the in-laws are already stressing you out.

I hate to say that it will only get worse before it gets better. If they are this pushy and opinionated already they will be worse when the babe arrives - people think they are entitled to a piece of you when you are a new mum as you are vunerable and inexperienced (I had an awful time with MIL).

The best thing you can have is a supportive DH - make sure he knows that you and the baby are his priority, not his parents.

And believe in yourself as a mother when the baby arrives, I found having self confidence in what I was doing with DS1 really helped me to ignore the comments and smile and nod where necessary.

Good luck x

Thanks - I'll just have to get on with it. They already have a low opinion of me (they are suspicious of well-educated people who work like slaves to afford a house in a decent area) so I'm fair game!

TBH if they are that pushy I would ask them all to come to the hospital to visit me as I don't want visitors when i get home!

In the hospital the visiting hours are very strictly adhered to so you only have to have them at set times in short spurts. Your 'routine' may not be inforce and tbh you don't really get chance to relax in hospital. Most hospitals have extended visiting hours for your partner so you will still get some time alone with DH & Baby.

When you get home try to visit them rather than them visit you IYKWIM.

Good luck there is nothing as stange as families and I find the best way is by giving a little but staying in control.

Aha! Yes! I can visit them! And can make a quick escape if needs be if baby is hungry, crying, etc. etc. etc.

When i had my dd the only thing that got me through visiting some people was the relief that they were not visiting me!

I'm in Mcr too, where are you having your baby?

Fairfield - dh was born there too so we're trying to get a tradition going!!

I had this problem with my IL's. I wasn't planning on telling them about DD until after she was born so that I would get at least 24 hours but I was kept in hospital 2 days before she was born by CS, they came the first day, visited every day (even discussing my healthcare with dr's) and then stayed for 10 days.

On the second day after I got home I lost my temper, I was tired, they were under my feet and I was pissed off with having to be dressed while trying to BF so I screamed 'Oh, just FUCK off and leave me alone!', flounced out and took DD and I upstairs for the rest of the afternoon.

She was much better after that, we blamed it on hormones to keep the peace but it worked.

So, anyway, def have a plan, try and stick to it but if it all goes the way you are dreading try screaming at them and bursting into tears! And if it comes to it, don't answer the door and tell them you had finally fallen asleep and didn't hear it.

I had my dd at Hope and found them fantastic!

Good luck and remember you are in control it is your baby!

My sympathies are with you! I'm having this one at home and have already heard "oh that will be so nice we will be able to see him when he's only a few hours old" and "oh good no visiting hours, so we can stay for a while"

I can't even not tell them when he is born because BIL lives next door

My MIL was all ready to go round to the house when this cousin's baby came out of hospital - i.e. to be there waiting for them.

There's always emigration...

Have your mum to visit you in hospital. Thats not double standards. The standard is, that people who you think you will want to see, get to come and visit! If MIL complains, say "yes, but she is my mummy and I need her". You can also ask the hospital staff not to let anyone except your mum and dh in - they have locks and buzzers on the doors to the wards.

Having said that, dyzzidi has a point. If they visit in hosp you might get away with them not visiting at home? And the ward will have a limit on the number of visitors you can have at one time (which you can enforce even if they don't).

Once you're home, if they all turn up in force, take the baby and go upstairs and shut yourself in your room (install a bolt on the inside of the door if you think they will rudely follow). Feed the baby and then settle both of you down to sleep until they give up and go home. You may need to make sure you have a good book and some biscuits up there!

MIL was dire when dd was born (to the point of me sitting on the landing floor sobbing "make them go away" to my dh). Then when ds was born, MIL came and stayed for 2 weeks. Ds and I were in hospital and MIL came to look after dd. She dropped everything (was packing to move house) and came straight away (from the other end of the country), and was fantastic with dd for 2 weeks. Ds & I got out of hospital at 7pm and MIL left first thing the next morning. She is a star. They do surprise you, sometimes.

I can see I'm just going to have to get tough.

And then there's the horror of maternity leave to come. None of them work, and they are all within easy reach. It's going to be a nightmare...

Incidentally, my MIL gave up her life several years ago in preparation for the arrival of grandchildren (this little squirmer will be her first) and is already excited about this fact she's going to be looking after the baby when I go back to work. Which she will not.

I must sound like the daughter-in-law from hell!

I took to drawing the living room curtains during the day when I was on maternity leave. I could hear my mil outside mithering away about whatever bit of random knitted garment she 'just had to' drop off as I sat merrily reading heat magazine.

Once I heard her phone my dh to ask where I was and why were the curtains drawn? She went quiet for a bit and then said 'don't be silly, she likes it when I drop in.'

She makes my teeth itch.

You are far from the daughter in law from hell!!

Basically your relis can offer their help but should not force themselves on you and your OH. You are adults and they should respect your wishes. If they do not IMO they need putting in their place and shown in no uncertain terms where your boundaries are.

Im currently 34 weeks with my 1st btw...
Come the time of the birth we will not be telling anyone that I'm going into hospital. We will not have any visitors there or for a while after we come home. We will wait until we are ready.

Best Wishes and Good luck with the baby Manc Mum

btw Im a Manc too!

Talk to your DH & ask him to be the "gatekeeper"

It will be difficult to keep them away altogether, but he can go along the lines of "DW is still feeling really tired/poorly/whatever, so you can come & visit at Xpm, but can only stay an hour as she needs her rest" Once they've had their hour he needs to be saying "Come on Mum, time to go home, DW needs to rest" & not take no for an answer!

That was he's not being nasty, & you aren't the one saying go away - MIL might even be secretly pleased now caring her precious DS is being

If they come at an uninvited time, just don't answer the door, they will soon get the message!

DH was all geared up for that, but luckily my MIL was wonderful, came to see us once in the hospital for an hour & one day for four hours the following week (she lives an hour away, so we didn't mind) & then left us alone for 3 weeks while DH was off work.

Good grief they sound frightful! Poor you having to put up with such dreadful comments.

Although I don't have any children I will offer you this. You are in charge. You are the most important person right now. The important thing is that you are happy.

Having your mum visit, but not your MIL is not double standards. It's called making you happy.

I think you should focus on what makes you happy, and if that requires telling nosy MIL to back off, then go girl!!

OMG!! Your in-laws sound awful!! Leave the country!!
If mine were like that I'd have to tell them to F off (not that I like to use that word but it looks like it'd take strong language to get through to them LOL)

I think what you've planned is probably the best option, even though it might hurt your own Mum (I'm sure she'll understand if she's met the in-laws LOL)

It might be an idea to go a step further and make each person take an appointment with you, and if they all turn up at once (which you will know by twitching your curtains) simply don't answer the door (or sneak out the back!!)

I've recently resorted to taking the batteries out of our doorbell to stop mindless folk waking myself and DD (despite the rather large notice on the door!!)
Maybe you could put a similar notice up stating that, unless they have an appointment, they will NOT be seen!!
They get bored after about five minutews of standing on your doorstep looking stupid!!

Just a thought!
Or you could try witchcraft!!
Good luck
xxx

god they all sound like t**ts to be honest!

make a plan now for what you will find acceptable, and stick to your guns- DH needs to back you up here too, it's his family, he needs to be the firm one.

We've said no visitors for the 1st 24hours, and then only for half an hour to meet the baby for the 1st time. Any visits have to be pre-arranged, so they have to ring and ask if they can come over.

It worked for us last time, as FIL and step MIL turned up unannounced a few times and pissed me right off. One time they woke DS up banging on the front door- i'd just got him to sleep after 3 days of no sleep at all, so i was quite rude and didn't let them see DS. They understood we deserved some privacy and consideration after that!