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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

I haven’t told my husband

20 replies

Deirdrebm · 21/01/2019 19:14

I found out a week ago that I’m pregnant but I haven’t told my husband yet. We miscarried last year and have been trying to get pregnant again for the last couple of months. I am delighted that I am pregnant but scared too due to previous miscarriage. I haven’t told a single person because once I do you start to get excited and make plans and I’m scared in case it goes wrong. My husband has a big mouth and won’t be able to keep it from his mother but I absolutely do not want anyone to know until the first scan. Am I being cruel not telling him?

OP posts:
Grimbles · 21/01/2019 19:17

Tough one. My initial instinct would be to tell him, but I can understand why you would be reluctant if he can't be relied on to keep it to himself.
How far along are you?

WildFlower2019 · 21/01/2019 19:19

I don't think you're being cruel, it's just self preservation mentally.

You can't keep him waiting until your 12w scan though, do you think you'll tell him soon? Maybe he'd be less likely to tell his DM after your MC, especially if you explained? Maybe you could have an early private scan and agree to tell his DM then?

DBM18 · 21/01/2019 19:21

I am only 5 weeks. I feel awful not telling him but know I have my reasons. And you’re right, I can’t wait too much longer. Now that I have waited a week I can’t seem to find the right moment to tell him!

HalfBloodPrincess · 21/01/2019 22:24

I understand.
I had a mc in April last year at almost 12 weeks.
Im pregnant again, I’m now 23 weeks but we didn’t tell anyone else until after the anomaly scan at 20 weeks. Felt like saying the words ‘I’m pregnant’ out loud would jinx it somehow.

I’m sure if you explain to your husband how you’re feeling and the reasons you want to keep it to yourself for now, that he will respect your wishes.

Sending Congratulations, and my wishes for a happy and healthy pregnancy

newmummyjan19 · 22/01/2019 03:18

OP I hear you!! I didn't ever suffer from the loss of a baby. But I didn't tell my partner until my 20 week scan and until I heard my baby's heartbeat because I myself was worried of things that could go wrong and I didn't want to disappoint anyone.

But if I could go back I would have told someone like a friend or family member I was close to so that I had some sort of support whilst I was going to these appointments.

My partner was super understanding but was upset that he had missed both of our baby's scans but definitely did understand because he knew himself how excited he would be and how upset he would have been if anything went wrong.

Maybe if your partner is the same try telling maybe a close family member or a very close friend just so you have added support. And even some company for when you go to appointments. Plus it doesn't make it so obvious that your sneaking away alone without saying where you are or what your doing... if you go with someone it's better cover to maybe say you are going shopping or for some coffee with that person.

RoseWreath · 22/01/2019 03:52

No
Years ago you wouldn't even know yet. Just wait until you are ready

Justus22 · 22/01/2019 12:33

If he can't keep a secret even when you have such valid reasons I understand but my husband would be very hurt if I kept something like that from him, that I didn't trust him and also if I took the opportunity to see his baby on the scans from him he'd be absolutely gutted. I couldn't do that to him maybe your husband is different but we have always been a team of equals and experienced pregnancies and the births together as much as is possible. Perhaps you could ask him to keep free your scan date and not tell him until then if you wanted to keep it until then (if you can, you may have morning sickness and I couldn't have hidden it at all if I wanted to) and hopefully you could explain you need him to keep quiet until you feel happy to announce. He should be grown up. Enough to respect that. Also if the worst happened you'd need/want him surely? Hope you are OK. Congratulations X

Karigan195 · 22/01/2019 12:39

How on Earth are you keeping it from him. It was my partner that noticed things were different first! I was told my boobs look massive and do you think you should do a test 😂😂.

I think it’s up to you but I couldn’t imagine not telling mine. You may need support. Plus 12 weeks of puking bloating and mood swings will not be easy to hide from him and then he may be upset you didn’t tell.

boodles101 · 22/01/2019 13:49

I found out I was pregnant beginning of January and I kept it from my husband for about 10 days. I did this because I had an early loss the first time round and he found things alot harder than I did and he suffered with his mental health.
I did tell him after about 10 days as I was just struggling with keeping the secret and hiding it from him.
I totally get where you are coming from and you should tell him when you are ready in your own time. I don't think it's cruel but I would be worried that you are keeping all the anxiety bottled up. I know how worrying it all is and I'm struggling to feel excited myself, but if you're worrying about everything in your own it might be harder to cope with. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more. X

DBM18 · 22/01/2019 13:50

I feel so strongly about him not telling his mother or anyone else but I honestly don’t think he could keep his mouth shut even if I explained why! He can’t help himself, he can’t keep a secret about anything and this is a big secret!
But yes I also know he would be gutted to miss out on anything and I definitely wouldn’t leave him out of any appointments or scans, I’ll tell him before that. Now that I have left it this long I’m finding it hard to find the right time. And I am experiencing sickness bloating and he’s experiencing my moods lol so I can’t hold off much longer!

xJune88 · 22/01/2019 13:53

I wasn't going to tell my husband I was pregnant (3rd pregnancy 1st baby) but after 2nd loss he said he'd be gutted if I kept it from him and it was his baby too and he's right. I don't think you should keep it from your partner as he can support you either way but it's your choice x

Dragongirl10 · 22/01/2019 13:55

Op normally l would say tell your DH.. BUT his priority should be you and that means NOT telling anyone until you are ready to do so.
If he cannot be trusted then YANBU to keep it to yourself.

I suffered a miscarriage and 2 ectopic pregnancies, and would not have been able to cope with my DH not respecting my wishes to keep each pregnancy between us ......until at least 16 weeks. Luckily my DH was great at keeping quiet. It would have been massive to me if he wouldn't put my feelings first.

Don't hesitate to protect yourself first.

You can always be pleasantly surprised when the scan shows you are further on than you knew.....!

gassylady · 22/01/2019 13:56

When not pretend to be a lady of yesteryear and not get suspicious until you’ve missed two periods

rainbowbash · 22/01/2019 16:15

I hear you, OP but do you really want to wait until the 12 week scan. How would he feel about it.

Also, in the unlikely case of a medical emergency, it may be good for him to know... Or you me be unwell and sick and need support.

he told his mum, not the whole world. And miscarriages happen, no shame in that. my mil being aware of it would not be my prime concern...

rainbowbash · 22/01/2019 16:17

Now that I have left it this long I’m finding it hard to find the right time

A white lie about irregular/light periods so you did not realise it sooner?

DBM18 · 22/01/2019 16:53

It wasn’t just his mother he told, he told a lot of our friends so when we MC we then had to tell them which I would have preferred not to.
I have told my friend today so feel better already. But she has encouraged me to speak to my husband so I will.

DBM18 · 23/01/2019 12:34

My husband now knows. But only because I experienced bleeding lastnight so I told him. He said he kinda knew but didn't want to press me and knew what I would be thinking. Called the EPU but I'm only 5 weeks so they won't see me. Booked me in for an appointment for next Wed. Bleeding is light and only when I wipe but of course due to the MC last year, I'm worried sick Sad

ChristmasAccountant · 23/01/2019 12:41

I kept this pregnancy from my husband for a few weeks as it’s no3 and totally unplanned and I didn’t know how he would react.
When I did tell him he was great about it but upset I felt the need to hide it.
Definitely talk to him as soon as you can and best of luck for a healthy pregnancy.

Karigan195 · 23/01/2019 12:45

Crossing fingers for you OP. Try to relax. A lot of people get small bleeds at first and go on to have a healthy baby.

Justus22 · 23/01/2019 12:45

Hope you are OK OP. Try not to worry it's not always bad news and if no cramps it's not as worrying. Take care of you, glad you have your husband for support now. Xx

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