How to handle the family... unanswerable question!

[Secretlemonadehater]

Any advice on how to hand this one ladies; I’m having a c-section tomorrow, first baby.
Lots of anxiety and medical issues on my part prior to and throughout the pregnancy.

DP and his DF work together. Family business.
DP has said all along he will be staying with me and baby in hospital for the duration. Then having 2 weeks off work as my recovery is likely to be slow due to the health conditions I have. We have no other support.

Some grumbling to start from DFil but thought it was sorted months ago.

This morning both his DF and DM have both come to our house and had a go at us for him staying at the hospital with us (it’s a big hospital, usual staff shortages etc, but dads are actively encouraged to stay and help with baby etc) and that he should be back at work the day after baby is born; he should be visiting us during visiting hours then bringing us home and I can get on with it because that’s how his Dad had to do it to keep the business afloat.

They left and I cried.

DP is upset; he thought his DM supported his decision.

I am upset because DP is, and I feel like we’re bringing a baby into a horrid situation where it’s resented by its GPs before its here!

I don't know how you managed to bite your tongue! I would have told them not to be so utterly ridiculous!!!

You will need all the help you can get, its major surgery plus a newborn baby, your first!!! to look after.

Not just that but it's a special time for you and DH. All partners are entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave, why should your DH's be any different, just because he works for his father? Surely they'd be more accommodating.

It sounds like they are just being difficult. If you have the courage, tell them thats your plan and thats whats happening. End of.

I feel you for OP, you don't need this added stress - in fact, tell them that as well.

What idiots. They are being completely unreasonable.
I'm sorry your DP is upset by his unthoughtful parents with their horrible timing, however I don't think you really need to handle anything. Just stick to your plan whether they like it or not. Not their baby. They will still adore your baby nonetheless.
Best of luck with your c section tomorrow!

Yep complete and utter crap... Sorry it is a major op you are completely within your right to want the support of your husband who wouldn't?! They need a reality check. Focus on you three now you have a busy time ahead you don't need their stress added.

OP, I completely sympathise with you on this. DH also works within a family business and his dad is basically his boss. We’ve even had issues with them granting time off for him to come to my 12 week scan with me, they initially said he couldn’t as they’d booked him in for jobs but then changed their minds. They are fully expecting him to return to work straight after baby is due and we’re having to put something in writing them because they just aren’t backing down, saying it’s a busy time and he’s needed. This is their grandchild for gods sake. I don’t see them very much because I know I won’t bite my tongue.

I would stick to your original plan and say that’s it, no argument. It’s major surgery and you’re right, you will need the help. Stick to your guns. Good luck for tomorrow and congrats in advance ❤️

I would suggest that any partner involved in a family business where they are not given normal (legal) leave as employees, should look to move elsewhere.

If the family don't respect the birth of their DGC as being an exceptional situation, what's going to happen when it comes to other occasions that a parent might wish to book a day off for?

Barring any emotional reasons, legally he is entitled to paternity leave.

Your DP's father does realise he is legally entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave - regardless of it being a family business?

Do not allow their ridiculous input change your plans

I partner has booked a full month off of work for After my section!! They are being horrible and unreasonable

Thank you all. I had pre op appointments this afternoon or I would have posted again sooner.

Unfortunately DP is classed as self employed so we don’t have the legal leg to stand on as it were. This was something his dad forced through a few years ago.
DP did say this afternoon maybe it’s time to cut ties and find employment elsewhere. I’ve told him we can’t make that kind of decision right now.

I have kept a lid on things this afternoon. DP has gone into work for a few hours to tie up some loose ends so I know he’s preparing to have a chunk of time off. I’m glad he’s gone out as I need a good cry!

I feel disappointed and disgusted by their behaviour and yet I don’t think they’ve finished with us. I think we will see them again this evening. I will be ignoring the door.

Well, if he's self-employed, then he gets to direct his own hours, so he is still completely entitled to 2 weeks off.

Basically:
Employee = 2 weeks paternity leave
Self-employed = 2 weeks paternity leave

There's no legal way around this for them, no matter how much they pressure you.

Occasionally I find that people of an older generation, when maternity and paternity rights were much more limited, don't understand what it normal now. That said, it is bang out of order not to listen once you've been told.

Keep repeating: "This is what's normal now." "This is what everyone does now." "This is the legal entitlement now."

Yikes, I just realised your section is TOMORROW.

Ignore ignore ignore.

Focus on yourselves, your health, your state of mind. Turn off your phones, don't answer the door, and enjoy your last night as a twosome! Try to relax and have a lovely evening.

Also is he actually self employed? There are specific tests according to HMRc. As another poster said, if he is self employed he can ‘decide what work they do and when, where or how to do it’.

They are being utterly unreasonable.

I'm sorry they are being such dicks.
I agree that it is time for your dh to look elsewhere for work.

What selfish, horrible parents. He's self employed so doesn't even get any of the benefits of working for a family company.

I understand that to be self-employed, you have to have at least two clients - once you've got baby here and paternity leave over, he should use this as a reason to expand his client base. A new dad doesn't want hassle from HMRC!

Well at least as he is self employed he can just opt out for a couple of weeks.

Good luck for the c-sec

@topofthehills I wish I could find something that legally says that as someone who is self employed he is entitled to paternity leave, everything seems to just say he can choose to take leave. Which he can obviously but that’s not enough for DFil!

I’ve had a cry now, feel a bit better!
I am intent on is doing what we’d agreed as a couple. Not what the in-laws want.

Take a step back now and leave it to your husband to sort out. You need to rest and relax if you can. Lots of deep breaths and think calm thoughts. This time tomorrow you'll be cuddling your new born and they'll be far from your mind.
Your in laws are a disgrace.

Whaaaaat?!? My God what horrible people. Of course your DH should be in hospital with you while you give birth and of course he should take time off to support you! My husband took over a month off when I had my daughter and I did not even gave any serious health issues... but it was still hard and his being there for those weeks was a total life saver! Your inlaws sound horrific.

OP as he is self-employed there is nothing that will say he is entitled to paternity leave as he decides his own hours. If he was employed by his DF he would legally be entitled to paternity leave (2 weeks). Either way he is entitled to two weeks leave and DF can grumble but there's nothing he can do! Good luck with your section tomorrow, enjoy your new baby xx

Yes, as pp has said - if he's self employed, then he's not legally entitled to paternity leave per second - but he IS entitled to take leave whenever he damn well pleased! His father is not his employer and can't do anything about it.

Congratulations on your new baby, and on doing what is right for you.

*per se - sorry!

We are in a similar boat (family business within agriculture). My OH got 3 days off for the labour and then 4 days off after the birth. He did however only work 9-5 for the first couple of weeks and would come home at the drop of a hat if I needed him.

Unfortunately there was no one else to feed the animals and we made it work. They are being very unreasonable to not give them at least a few days. He just needs to tell them in actions. He doesn't go back to work. He stays with you.

This is awful of them. The night before a c section too. Historically have they always been so unrealistic and uncaring? Lay low and concentrate on your amazing experience to come. Let your DH deal with his parents

He's legally entitled to paternity leave, so I would encourage him to not go in. I wouldn't communicate with FIL about it either. He has known about the c section for ages, I wouldn't grace him with further conversation about it.

Good luck with the c section and congratulations on your baby. Ignore your shitty in laws.

I’d encourage him to look for a new job if he’s interested and ready to do so. I know it’s not great timing, but frankly it’s not like there’s huge benefit to staying put.