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Original poster

Just found out I'm pregnant at 41 - Help!

12 replies

BPK77 · 20/01/2019 12:49

Hi, I just found out I'm pregnant and am having a flap. I'm 41, single mum to an 8yr old boy who I have all kinds of adventures with. I love our life and don't want it to change. That said, one condom fail with a guy I've only been dating for 6 weeks and here I am. No decisions as to what to yet but my first concern is the impact it could have on my son - it's always just been the two of us and I'm worried about how this might affect him. Have any of you been in a similar situation and how did it turn out? Please save any criticism as I've most likely already said it to myself. Thank you x

OP posts:
Angelmiracle · 20/01/2019 13:38

One of my best friends is single with a 9 year old DS. They do everything together. She has her own thriving business. When I told her I was expecting DC2 (6 year gap) she responded with "I'm so jealous!"

I was so surprised I didn't know she felt like this. I actually thought she was being sarcastic! But she loves children and would love a sibling for her DS- she has 6 siblings!

It took us 5 years ttc no.2 and I was feeling more and more guilty about not providing a sibling for DS. He was constantly asking us why did he not have brother/sister like his friends.

My cousin grew up with no siblings and spent most of her childhood asking her mum (also single) for one. Her mum sadly passed away when she was 48. Her dad takes nothing to do with her - it's been very hard for her.

I think most children love having a sibling I'm sure your DS will be delighted!!

Amcg7 · 20/01/2019 17:07

Although this is no help to you whatsoever, my brother was born when I was 8 years old and I can truly say we have a fantastic relationship and always have done. We have never fought, it’s really a great age gap in my opinion.

Hope everything works out for you. X

Ikeameatballs · 20/01/2019 17:12

I’d think very seriously about a termination.

It sounds like you have a very good life with your son and yes he may enjoy having a sibling but they may actually have a fairly limited relationship with each other and many aspects of the life you enjoy would be curtailed by pregnancy/newborn. Realistically you also have to expect that the relationship with the guy you’ve been dating would end and you’ll be a single parent to dependent children until you are 60 vs 50.
Sorry to be harsh but giving you a different perspective.

Original poster
BPK77 · 20/01/2019 17:28

Thank you. There is that, I hadn't thought about the ongoing relationship, just the cramp it will put on his immediate lifestyle and attention levels. My mum has a sister 10 years younger and never speaks to her (they pretty much hate each other!) so I'm also scared of that happening! Is there such thing as too big a gap??????

OP posts:
Missbel · 20/01/2019 17:37

I had my third child when I was 40. 2 years later my marriage broke up and I was left on my own with three children of whom the eldest was 12 and the youngest 2. I don't regret any of it - it was a struggle financially at times, but we got through it. The two eldest welcomed and enjoyed the company of the youngest and all three remain good friends. Now that I'm older and have had some health scares, I'm glad that they have each other for support - being an only child can place a heavy burden on young adults.

Angelmiracle · 20/01/2019 17:42

I don't think so! My aunt had her last DD at 41 - she's 6 now and my aunts eldest DD is 23. Those 2 with the biggest gap are the best of friends (even with the other 2 in the middle). Siblings born within 14/18 months of other also don't get on for a number of reasons. I doubt the age gap is the main reason in most cases.

milkmoustache · 20/01/2019 18:29

But you say 'I love our life and I don't want it to change'. If that's your gut reaction, you need to listen to it. A baby with a fairly new dad is just about the biggest change you can undergo.

milkmoustache · 20/01/2019 18:31

Actually, I didn't express that properly, a guy you have been dating for six weeks is pretty much an unknown quantity, so that's another reason to think very, very carefully.

Original poster
BPK77 · 20/01/2019 20:47

Yup - definitely not wanting to end up tied to a random nutter! The decision would be easier if I hadn't already had boyo by myself, I know I could do it but I'm not sure it's a good idea. Plus now there are added risks based on my age (and apparently an increased risk of twins!! Holy hell!). Anyone have a crystal ball I could borrow?

OP posts:
hoki · 20/01/2019 21:00

You sounds like you have a fantastic set up and a great relationship with your son. That relationship will go through changes though and naturally he'll need and want you less as he becomes a teenager so I don't think you can base your decision solely on how your life looks now.

PBobs · 20/01/2019 21:53

Sorry to read about your dilemma. I would say as an only child I'm not sure I would have loved a sibling at age 8. We were a very settled family by then. I also don't know many only children who wanted siblings - in case that was something you were considering. I think the point being made about being tied to this man for life is a good one. Is that something you would be comfortable with?

effiehabb · 20/01/2019 22:09

Hi op, my dd1 and dd2 have an 8 year age gap and I can honestly say they get on so well. They are 14 and 6 now and are lovely together, in fact they were playing Lego together in dd1s until about an hour ago.

My now dh and I were only together 6 weeks before I became pregnant, it all worked out beautifully. We have now been together 15 years, married, 3 lovely daughters and have a really lovely life together. It could've all gone to shit, but it didn't.

At the time DD1 was NOT impressed at the time, but honestly, they are wonderful together and absolutely adore each other.

Best of luck whatever your decision.

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