Partner of 8 years has left me at 8 months pregnant, I feel lost

[Ej2019]

Hi,

This is my first ever post, sorry if I put it in the wrong category, I don't really know what I'm doing to be honest, I just have no one to turn to and thought to give this a try.

I had been with my partner for almost 8 years, we found out we were pregnant last year and he didn't react well but was prepared to be a dad and step up. On Thursday evening, out if the blue for me, he told me he was miserable in our relationship and even though he loves me, im his family and best friend, he's not in love with me anymore. I was shellshocked as I thought we were happy, he seemed abit stressed or sad at times, I thought he was overwhelmed about being a dad.
He went on to tell me he's felt this for afew months now and didn't know how to tell me, he's been trying to and almost giving himself panic attacks, apparently he sits up at nights crying about it, says if he left he wouldn't be happy and isn't happy staying, doesn't know what he wants. Apparently the root of it all is from our relationship at the beginning, that I was too controlling and dominant, that he lost all his friends because they were horrible to me and I expected him to defend me, that I didn't let him to talk to girls, that we rushed into a relationship so quickly without him having his freedom and independence and feels I have mothered him this whole time. Apparently he now has issues with women and kind of hates them because of his mum and me (Apparently this won't affect his relationship with his soon to be here daughter) he said he feels like he lives in his hometown but has no family or friends, not sure if he's blaming me for this as I've been fine with him hanging out with friends, he also said we just sit in the flat and do nothing, yet I've always been the one to suggest going out for meals, bowling, etc and he's said no. Even through this pregnancy, I'm the one who goes out errand shopping and does everything, ive asked for help or for him to come out with me and he blames his anxiety. He also said when I need help doing things, I need to ask for it as he isn't a mind reader and can't tell when I'm struggling. I have mothered him throughout the years but didn't really know I was, I enjoy taking care of others, I don't do it as much now, he cooks his own food and dies stuff in his time. he said he has researched into this online and says I am obsessed with him and wonders why I stayed with him as it's always been the case that I love too much and he doesn't love enough, doing research has validated to him that this is not his fault but a result of a distant father. I thought he was my soul mate, we had an intense connection and bond when we first met, nothing like I've ever experienced and we have been together since, when we hit rough patches I worked through them instead of calling quits because I was engaged to him and expected to spend the rest of our lives together, we made plans for the future, named our future children, I thought it's what he wanted too. The issues he has are no longer issues as I've completely changed, I'm fine with him going out and seeing whoever he wants, I support him openly in everything he does, but apparently even though he knows that, he feels he can't do stuff because of me. The onky reason i had issues with women was because at the beginning of our relationship he would message other women and flirt with them then aid he dudnt know he was flirting. He said he's tried to approach how's he's felt a couple of times and we end up arguing, the only times I can think is when he's complained we don't have sex or enough sex as he wants, on new years eve he told me for the past 4years we weren't having as much sex as he wants, which was a suprise to me, I remember him even telling me at the beginning of the pregnancy he was prepared to go the full 9 months without sex, something he hasn't had to do.

I told him if he doesn't love me then he should pack and go, he agreed, I asked if he wanted to work on it as a couple, he asked "what you would take me back?" I reiterated that I don't want this, I still love him and don't want him to leave, he's doing this to us. He decided to take some stuff and stay at his mum's for the weekend to think about things and what would make him happy and we are going to talk on Monday about whether he wants to stay and work through things, or possibly split his time between his mum's and mine so he can have some freedom and independence, and learn to be independent (don't know how that will happen as she will dote on him and he will let her just like I did) but still be involved in his daughters life until he makes a decision about whether he wants to be with me or if he's in love with me, or if he wants to call quits on the whole relationship and set up a visitation schedule to see his daughter. He cried when he left and said he didn't want this and that it would be easier to just bury the feelings deep and carry on, he hates himself for bringing it up now but wanted to now rather than when she's here. I know it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, I can see it but he felt strongly enough to bring it up now, I can't help but think he just wants to sleep with someone else, possibly someone in mind already, I don't know.

My mum lives 4 hours away and is dying of cancer, my family live far away too and I don't drive. I have no friends here, or close by, I moved from uni back to his hometown because he couldn't pay his share of rent and he promised to take care of me. I'm not close to his mum as she resents me for taking her youngest son away from her. I feel so isolated, broken, alone and lost, I have no idea what to do, what to think, this is my first child and until now thought we were going to do this and be a family, I'm so scared and confused, I need advice or just someone to talk to.

I’m sure someone more knowledgeable than me will be along soon but I didn’t want to leave your post unanswered.
I know things must seem awful right now but you sound strong, intelligent, capable and caring.
You and your lovely new baby will be just fine without this man.

He might just be having a massive wobble about becoming a father but he does sound like a very immature, entitled person who expects others to do things for him then blames them for his own deficiencies.

Focus on practicalities. Assuming he’s checking out of your relationship, can you survive financially with your current set up or would you be better off moving to be closer to friends and family?

Don’t beg him to stay. Let him see you making arrangements for a wonderful life without him.
If he decides he then wants to come back, think long and hard about whether you want to trust your security to such an unreliable manchild.

In an idea world you would have the baby and let him bring it up....but we rarely hand over the responsibility to the fickle man..

8 yrs is pretty long enough to know if he wants to be in a relationship or not with you, and to discuss the 'issues' he may or may not have with you.

He, I believe, is shitting himself about the impending birth and becoming a dad, and so no freedom etc etc...

When really his is an adult and needs to fucking step up and be a father.

He sounds like he’s had a massive wobble and is terrified about having to man up and become a father, but instead of admitting this and trying to work through it, he’s turning it all around on YOU to make it sound like YOU’RE the one to blame for him wanting to leave due to things that happened at the beginning of the relationship (8 years ago?!). Classic arsehole that needs to grow some balls - He’s pathetic. Don’t beg for him. You can do this alone, if you have family then I would make arrangements for you and your baby to move closer to them so you’ve got some support. That might kick his arse into gear and if not, you’re a lot better off without him. X

I don't really get people forming such a negative opinion about your partner from your post. People are allowed to fall out of love without being called a child??

Unfortunately if you don't love someone you don't love them and you can't force yourself to. It is better to separate even from a long term relationship if this is the case and it sounds like he's felt like this for a long time from what you've said. Maybe he was trying to convince himself it would get better and he's just now realized how thing are. It is extremely hard to make such a big change in your life, so I understand why he would have stayed for so long.

I would make plans to move back with your family so you are supported through the birth and first few months - he'll have to travel to see his daughter and move closer to you if he wants contact to be easier. I can't imagine how hard things must be for you, but you sound like a very strong and intelligent person, so however painful the situation is, I'm sure you will get through it.

Sending hugs

Well he sounds like a total mess. This is unfortunate for him but you can't fix it, he needs to spend some serious time by himself with nobody else around to blame thinking about what he wants. You need to put yourself and the baby first for both of your sakes.

Your family are some distance away - but are they supportive, could you go and stay with someone right now if you needed to until you've got something permanent worked out? Or a friend? You really need to be around people who can support you right now and not stuck in a flat with him in a town where you know nobody but him and his mum. Then if you've got someone you trust who can be on your side, they can help you go through the list of practical stuff - work (are you working? on mat leave?), whatever your renting situation is, contacting midwives/maternity services to let them know you've moved and why.

I know it's horrible to think like this but it really is best if you can start thinking like he's not going to sort himself out, and so you need to sort out a life without him in it in any sort of reliable sense. That might not be what happens in the end, but it's what you need to prepare for. Whatever you do don't hang around waiting for him to change his mind.

An ex of mine used to play the "I need time on my own, freedom, blah blah blah" every so often.
Turned out there was someone else. I'm not saying that's the case with you tho, but I got well rid.
You don't need someone playing mind games with you, especially right now.
I'd agree with pp and move closer to family for support. If he really does love you and wants to make it work, he'll come running to you.
So rubbish you are going through this, I do hope it all works out for you tho.

So this is all your fault because he wasn't allowed to flirt with other women 8 years ago whilst in a relationship with you I'm annoyed on your behalf by the cheek of him.

Hi OP, similar thing happened to me in my first pregnancy. My then husband left at 7months. I was scared and devastated but I made it through. Then the baby came and she became the focus of my life so actually I think I moved on a lot easier because of her.

When he regretted his decision I had moved on. So now, 7 years later, we have an amicable relationship and raise our daughter. We are both in happy relationships with other partners and our daughter is happy and well adjusted.

Looking back the hardest part was financial. My earnings did not cover our outgoings. I took a massive risk in putting all the nursery fees on credit cards and working hard to get promotions and increase my earnings. I managed and glad in retrospect it but it was difficult and stressful.

You have to do what is right for you. It is a hard time but things can only get better. I wish you all the best.

Head home ,find support with your family .dont let him mess with your head.it will effect your mental health..let him go...in fact wave him off..then head home before dd arrives

He’s an adult.
He’s living an adult life with adult responsibilities and now he’s overwhelmed and instead of manning up he’s opting out.

You hold the cards here.
You are strong,independent and about to become a mother,far better you see his selfish ways now than when he has a daughter to see too.
So here’s what you do, you make decisions as to what’s best for you and your baby-you do t NEED him,you may want him and love him and it not be what you’d hoped but you can turn this into a success and then when he’s wobbled his head and if and when he wants to be back in the game it’s your choice.
He seems to be very dependent on you and very into himself and his needs and his relationship with his mum is hardly encouraging him to be an adult.
So in just a few weeks you’ll be a mum, you can do this !!
And then you can decide where you want to be, near your mum to support her or stay where you are.
But what’s positive is the decision is yours and only involved the implications of you and your baby not him.

My partner done the same to me with our first ...

I packed his bags for him
I made sure he knew i didn't depend on him and started my life a fresh without him.

When he seen i had moved on and wasn't intrested in his games he came running back it took him a year of groviling for me to take him back.

Lets just say he never tried that again.

You are the one who has to carry his baby and bring it up while he has a flakey like a 10 year old boy but they don't like when baby comes they think all attention is taking away from them well boo hoo.

Dont beg him to stay and certainly don't let him think he can walk in and out when he wants !

Better now than later. I know it’s awful for you though. My ex H did this and we “worked” through it and he stayed for another five years and another child. I was terrified he’d leave, he twisted everything to being my fault even the most outrageous behaviour and it was my fault because “I warned you and I haven’t changed, I told you how I felt” and my head was so fucked I believed it. I was very ill in the end because of it. Funnily enough when I finally threw in the towel, as a shell of my former self, he didn’t want to leave then and there was lots of trumpeting about “breaking up the family” and “putting the kids first”.

Let him go. It’s painful but much less now than in the future. If he wants to come back he will and it will be more equal. You may even find you don’t want him back.

I didn’t want to read and run. Be strong. You can do this for you and your daughter. 💐

Oh I'm so sorry, it's not great timing but at least he's being upfront and you know where he stands, rightly or wrongly he's told you how he feels and nothing you can say will change that and nor should you want it to. The space is a good idea, you need to know if he comes back that it's because he is 100% in it with you and because he wants to be with you so leave him to his freedom and get planning for you and your girl. As pp have said are you OK financially? Where will you live? Is a move back to your family on the cards? You can control all of these things so focus on these first. Hope you're OK. All advice easier given than received I know but in time this will all work out for the best. X

Go home to your family and your mum. A man who can blame a relationship breakdown on you like he has done Is not going to be a good father.
This man sounds really manipulative.

Thank you for all the kind words, advice and support, just being able to write it down helped me to voice my thoughts. I emailed him today and told him how I felt, how hes made me feel and what I felt was best going forward whether he stayed or left, he came over and we talked most the night, he seems to still love me and wants to make it work, he said talking through what had been bothering him has made him feel a lot better and helped him to see what he wants. I think the idea of me being ok to move on without him and possibly relocate has made him realise what he was losing for stuff he just hasn't gotten over yet. I agree and think he's having a wobble about being a father and needed to get this off his chest before she came and he went the complete wrong way about it. We're not back to what we were, probably will take a lot of time and work but at least we've opened a dialogue and talking more honestly. He seems abit more happier but I'm more cautious, obviously the most important thing here is my dd and he needs a chance to prove he's trying to work through this and prove he's a good father x x

Make it clear that he is choosing to be with you now so you can't be blamed in the future for 'forcing' him back.

Hmmm.... Id be thinking to the future and trying to get myself a bit more secure so that if there was even a hint of him not being 100% I'd be prepared to say, that's enough.

I told him it was his decision and I'm not going to ask him to stay or he shouldn't feel guilted to stay because we have a baby coming, he seems to understand that I'm strong enough to do it alone, and said he does love me still, doesn't want to be with anyone else, but felt he never got the chance to voice resentments from the past and felt he needed to now rather than keep it building for years and we end up splitting for good when dd is old enough to see and feel the damage. I agree, I had been making a savings account for dd but now making a separate one for me in case if an emergency, thinking about what I would do, if this has taught me anything it's that I maybe trust to blindly, I love him and trust he's making the right decision for him but am preparing a just in case for me and her, just in case he decides to do this again, I feel I now am more cautious, I can forgive but not forget! X x

Good idea to keep a savings account. I hope this was just a wobble but keep your wits about you for your and DD's sake.