It feels so unfair.

[Blondebrunette1]

Hi, I am 14 weeks pregnant with number 4, against the odds and our plans, we thought our family was complete. Anyway, I'm struggling to get excited about it (although I know I'll love baby and be over the moon when he/she arrives) because two of my closest girl friends are struggling ttc and have been through some of the worst things you possibly can, including losing their babies. I had in my mind I'd meet them and tell them we're expecting and I won't make any fuss at all, I won't go on about anything baby related unless instigated by them and I'm sure they'll be happy for us but I've read so many posts on here about the pain this causes, how people struggle to feel happy for even close friends and family etc, some say a text is better, others say call, some say meeting and telling personally is insensitive but I thought the text seemed thoughtless. I don't want to hurt either of them and I know they're going through it already, I know them so well yet I've no idea how they'll feel or what they'd rather. One is starting ivf soon so that's positive but also I know it'll not be easy. I do not want to rock up to see them visibly pregnant so I'm running out of time. These thoughts are consuming me and I just want to do what's kindest. Both are great people, will make perfect parents it all just feels so unfair they have to go through this. Has anyone been here? I so wish this year brings them the babies they wish for. X

I know how you feel although your friends really sound like they’ve had a terrible time, how awful. I posted looking for similar advice and the general consensus was that a text or email was more kind, because it would give them a chance to process the information and respond when they feel able. They will of course be so happy for you but they will likely feel sad for themselves too. I’m only 11 weeks so haven’t told my 2 friends who’ve been struggling to conceive yet, but I’ve decided that I will do it by text.

Congratulations btw!

I was in the same position and thought my long and hard about this. I decided to go down the text route. Whilst telling someone face to face seems more personal... I felt like I would be putting them on the spot. By sending a kind message, letting them know the news but also explaining that I understand if they needed some time / distance... I was allowing them to process it and handle it in private. Everything went fine for me and my friends have been very supportive despite their own struggles.

Yea thanks I'm thinking you're right. It seems so weird for me communicating it this way but same time I don't want to cause any upset. I hate that I don't know how they're truly going to feel, they're both so lovely I know they won't show anything else. I pray all the time they get the family they deserve. Xx

I texted my friend who was going through ivf. In my text I explained that I was texting in case she needed time, but wanted to let her know. I kept it low key, just the information (not an excited text), and then left it to her. Throughout my pregnancy I have been in a lot of contact with her regarding her ivf, but have only volunteered info about my pregnancy when she asked (at which point I assumed she was in a position to hear news).

Happily, she is now pregnant 😁

I am in a similar position to your friends. I agree with the other posters - let them know via text or email so they can process it on their own. I know they will be delighted for you, but let them deal with it on their own. Preferably when e.g. they will be with their partners rather than, say, at work.

Congratulations!

Congratulations @Blondebrunette1

I would also advise sending them a text rather than telling them in person. I had a miscarriage last year and a few months later a family member announced at a get together that she was pregnant. I wasn't prepared for it at all and would have much preferred to have been told via a text so I could process it in private.

Thankfully I am now pregnant again and I really hope your friends have some good news soon too

@blondebrunette1 you sound like a very lovely and caring friend!
Ive been in the same boat as your friend after struggling and miscariages and i would of 100% prefered a text message. She will most likely have a little cry in private then be very happy for you x

Yep, I'm pregnant with our second. Unplanned and initially unwanted (currently 36 weeks and getting used to the idea). I have friends who would kill to be pregnant, who've suffered through multiple losses and I just feel ungrateful.

I've had losses too, but they didn't bother me either. Maybe there is something wrong with me?!

Thanks for all the advice, it's so appreciated, if it weren't for reading so many of these threads I'd have no doubt gone about this totally wrongly. I'm just praying my friends get their happy news soon and we can share this time together, however likely or not that is. @mortifiedmama don't beat yourself up, you can't help the way you handle things or how you feel and I've no doubt it'll all change for you in a few weeks. I understand what you mean, it's taken me weeks to feel happy and I still freak out now and then and then I too feel guilty but I know all will be great in a few months. I hope you're OK. Xxx

I am so sorry to read some of you have been through the same as my friends, I hope it works out for all of you and so pleased for those of you it has already. Thanks again for your time replying to me. Xx

Definitely go down the text route. Shortly after losing one a friend told me she was pregnant when we met up. It was awful because even though I was happy for her, I was devastated for me and I had to hold it together until I left. As soon as she was out of sight I burst into tears. It was horrible but it wasn't their fault at all.

You're already being a good friend by thinking about them. Congratulations to you xx