I'm not coping - Terrible anxiety due to my own parents in the third trimester

[Monipop84]

I am 26 weeks pregnant and have had the worst Christmas ever. My parents came over to visit after almost 2 years of not seeing us (they live abroad). I have a very strained relationship with my own mother, she is a narcissist and very manipulative/abusive. Lots of drama all the time, for everything. This Xmas, everything seemed normal until we asked them respectfully to wait two weeks to come and visit after DD is born, to give us time to bond. They started being very aggressive - "it's our decision, not yours" and making clear they don't like DH. For the following three days they avoided us completely while at the same time saying upsetting things while there ("it's good you are nauseous, so you eat less, you have already piled on weight etc"). Normally I am good at detaching emotionally but I am heavily pregnant and also just came out of hospital for a blood clot - everything upsets me. I had a panic attack the night before they left after she stormed in the room while I was crying to DH and said I am not a good mother if I get upset. Yesterday it was my birthday and she hang up on me. I have decided to go low contact and avoid interactions as much as possible, but I don't know how feasible this will be after the baby is here. I am starting to dread the birth and it's horrible - I wanted this to be a joyous time in my life. DH wants me to see a counsellor, but wondering if I will manage to get someone soon enough to help me out.

Tbh I think telling them to get lost would help you more than counselling. Is he sticking up for you to them?

Hi OP. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

I think you should speak to your midwife about this to see if they can arrange one or two counselling sessions for you. It will benefit you and baby.

As for your folks - it's bad enough they are being so blatant about their dislike for your DH, but they are currently putting you under a lot of stress. This can't go on.
I know myself then when you are this anxious, talking is hard. They also sound like they will fly off the handle if you do so.
I would be tempted to write to them and highlight their actions and how you are now feeling, the issues they have caused. You have not made an unreasonable request. It is your child and your house, you control all visiting hours, not them. Their comments are awful and they should be ashamed.

If you are really feeling low, perhaps don't tell them when you go in to labour. I know as a daughter it would feel wrong, but it would take the pressure off you.

They live abroad so you have the upper hand here. Don’t announce baby’s born until you are ready to deal with them. It is absolutely not their decision it’s yours and they need to respect that.
Pregnancy is hard enough without extra stress and worry from family. Do what’s right for you and your little one at the time.
I hope your DH is Sticking up for you with them.

Thanks everyone. DH has been massively sticking up for me. I had even compromised on them going to a B&B but he kept explaining how they should do what's best for me not them. That's why they started hating him even more....

When I did NCT with my first, they talked about fathers being 'gatekeepers'. I think you need to talk to your DH about what you want and then ask him if he will take the responsibility of controlling who can visit when (without needing to bother you). He will be more up to being the 'bad guy' than you will post birth. And if your relationship is that poor it doesn't really matter if they get angry with him. Also as PP have said, don't tell them anything. I assume they know your due date but that is still only an estimation. If they don't know your due date then lie!

It's their decision when they come to see you. It's your decision whether you open the door when they turn up. Stop giving them so much power.

Your dh should speak with them and explain that this is a tough time, they are welcome to come see the baby, but it needs to be on your terms not theirs.

Or just tell them to fuck off.

I also have a strained relationship with my parents so I understand how complicated things get when a baby is involved.

Ultimately you need to do what's best for yourself and your new family because that's all that matters now. Tell your parents you don't want any visitors for the first while after the baby is born and that you will tell them when you're ready for visitors. It's your baby and they need to realize all decisions are for you and DH to make.

And definitely don't let it stress you out while you are pregnant, just focus on the positive things in your life right now. You have a baby on the way and a very supportive husband.

If you think counseling will help then give it a go.

Now is a great time for you to start counselling as suggested above. Becoming a parent brings our childhood into sharp focus and from an energetic point of view it is a great idea to get this all out there before the baby arrives. There is plenty to suggest it will also make labour easier if you are not holding on to all of this before the baby arrives. Not the end of the world if you don't manage to resolve it all immediately!