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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Mother in law

19 replies

Beckyv88 · 03/01/2019 10:26

Hi everyone,

I’m almost 20 weeks so things are getting real! I’m starting to worry about my MIL and how overbearing she will be and it’s stressing me out - for example the other day she was saying names she liked for the baby and I said we’ll wait until they’re born and then you’ll know and she was rolling her eyes and repeating the names she likes and when I said I don’t like that one she was getting really annoyed and saying why not? I just think this is a sign of things to come. I know she means well but I’m acing these visions of her grabbing my new born from me and telling me how to look after it/trying to take over. Any advice or similar circumstances?

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FirstTimeBumps · 03/01/2019 10:47

Get creative. Find a name she hates and tell her that's what you're going with. Sometimes with people like this you have to play them at their own game, plus it will give you a giggle, and if you don't laugh you'll cry x

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2019 10:47

Congratulstions on your pregnancy.

It must be frustrating having MIL muscle in on your first baby. I was very lucky mine was, and is, fabulous.

I think you need to try and train her now. Yrs, it is not really your job, but it could make things better.

You could just ignore her comments, just smile when she says names, or you could say you don't like them and why (which sounds exhausting).

But in yoir shoes I would just say something like 'Choosong the name of our baby with dh is something I've looked forward to for a long time. It's going to be our choice and we won't be following anyone else's leads because it is so personal.'

Or you can think up another choice for hpw to deal with it.

When she offers advice, you don't need to take it.

You don't need to bend to any pressure.

If, for example, she wanted to be present at the birth, or visit you straight after or whatever; you can just say no.

You do not need to give a reason.

And if you do give a reason just go broken record "it's a special time for me and dh." Etc.

She can only muscle in and be overbearing if you and your dh allow her to be.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2019 10:50

But on the positive side, she is interested! Ask her for help choosing things if you want to, some nice clothes or a pram. Only take her advice if you want to.

May be ask her for stories or photos of dh as a baby.

This could be a special time for her too so maybe help her a little for a good relationship.

My in laws have the kids overnight very occasionally and it is a massive help. Due to my kids anxieties (Dr in spectrum and ds adopted) and there being no real need for it, my dd did not stay away from us for a night, ever, until age 3 - and my son until age 7. So as babies they never stayed away!

Blondemother · 03/01/2019 10:55

I had this with my MIL. Completely ignored her, tuned her out and went to a happy place in my head while she was suggesting god awful names. It's good practice for when the world and his wife has 'helpful' advice on parenting they just have to share with you.

If you really think she’ll be a PITA when baby is here perhaps your husband could politely tell her to fuck back off?

mrsed1987 · 03/01/2019 11:23

We have had simular but with the amount of things being purchased fof us. I know we should be greatful but we want to buy things for our baby and havent been able to because its already been purchased! We have tried to say a number or times but not sure its sunk in.

HelenUrth · 03/01/2019 11:28

Ask her (remember to look genuinely interested) if her MIL dictated things in relation to her son.

If the answer is no, explain that's how things will be with you and your baby.

If yes, explain (nicely!) that times have changed and she will need to understand that you will be doing your own parenting.

But stand firm, as already said, it's worth nipping this in the bud.

Beckyv88 · 03/01/2019 11:30

Thanks everyone. I think I will have to be strict with her/get my husband to be strict with her - though he’s such a mummy’s boy I’m not sure he’ll do very well.

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 03/01/2019 11:36

This happened when my SIL found out she was pregnant with her DTs. MIL picked a boys name she loved and dropped in conversation every time she saw SIL & BIL. They both said they weren't keen. MIL didn't stop, asked everyone in the family their opinions on the name and even text BIL the meaning and origin of the name she loved... 🙄

Along cane DTs and the gave them the names they had chosen, not the name MIL wanted.

SIL perfected the nod and smile technique!

justilou1 · 03/01/2019 12:00

My mother had towels embroidered with a boy’s name to try and pressure us into naming our son that particular name. Never mind that we were also having a girl at the same time.... (She was totally barking, my mum.) When we announced the names of our twins, you know what the first thing that came out of her mouth was??? “But what about the towels???” Sigh!!!!

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2019 12:06

justilou1 hilarious! I hope you said one word to her, 'Ebay!'

Beckyv88 · 03/01/2019 12:09

@justilou1 OMG, that’s so funny. I wouldn’t put it past my MIL to do similar. It’s crazy they think it should be up to them :/

OP posts:
Laburna · 03/01/2019 12:20

We had a similar issue with my MIL, although she never tried to foist a name on us, she did outright tell us that she they'd paid for the pram they had the right to make decisions and be involved.

When they visited one day and refused to unswaddle the baby who was getting too hot, and then told my husband who wasn't in that day that I was lying about it all, he had some strong words for them. 'The pregnancy was very stressful for MIL'

Errrrrr...... So? What do you think we went through?

Needless to say she was the kind of person who threw all her toys out of the pram and still isn't really talking to us.

Baby number 2 is on the way, and she's seen our son maybe 5 times in 18 months. Not that it bothers us, just interested to see what happens this time! She was definitely more interested in the idea of being the family matriarch and the idea of a grandmother, but not the actual practicalities! We went to dinner once, and he was bored and tired, and only 10/11 months old, instead of helping to keep him entertained, she took his toys away because he was throwing them on the floor as a game. We weren't disturbing anyone, he was just playing. So cross with her!

Stephisaur · 03/01/2019 12:21

Your MIL sounds like my Mum. She’s a nightmare.

Yes, when baby is here they will try to take over. You need to smile and nod in response to any advice she gives you. Then do what you think is best. I had to listen to her moan for 2 hours at dinner last night about the fact that I was feeding DS too much (he’s 3 weeks and breastfed). Stopped feeding him and he started screaming and she soon got the point.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - remember that you can lock yourself away from family when you need to to save your own sanity. X

SilverBirchTree · 03/01/2019 12:29

Get strict with her. Talk to your DH about it. Have a plan for limiting visits etc. have a secret signal that it's time for them to go.

Practice saying 'pass baby back now.'

Healthy firm boundaries are your friend.

Dealing with my MIL is like herding cats. I wish I'd been more firm from the beginning.

MrsJane · 03/01/2019 13:33

I'd pretend to choose a really obscure and crazy name so whatever you choose will be a relief for her! Wink

justilou1 · 03/01/2019 16:26

Oh, and with my first, we called it “Cletus the Foetus” until we found out the sex, and my mother thought that was what we were ACTUALLY calling the baby. (It was a girl, and Cletus was NEVER a contender, I promise!!!)

needsleepzzz · 03/01/2019 16:33

Urgh why do some grandparents think they get a say in this?! You or your husband need to be firm, this is your baby and you get to name it, not her.
Be firm OP :-D
Hope you have a smooth pregnancy and enjoy your lovely squishy baby

Sexnotgender · 03/01/2019 17:24

We’ve been calling Bump Alphonso or Giuseppe as the name is ours alone to choose and we are ignoring any chat about names from anyone.
MIL phoned one day about 20 weeks and asked how Thomas was? Both DH and I asked who is Thomas? MIL was like, the baby! Erm... no. Thomas was immediately struck off my list! Weird.

ScotsBaby2 · 03/01/2019 17:50

My MIL was like this when I was pregnant. She was the complete opposite when the baby was here. I was actually worried she didn't care as I saw them so few times. Good luck.

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