Advice on how to deal with my own narcisisstic mother during pregnancy

[Monipop84]

Big family drama this Christmas. I am 6 months pregnant, and was in and out of hospital for a blood clot. Discharged on 24 December and DH and I still hosted Xmas for my Italian family. My mother is a big narcissist and at first she tried to be supportive, while at the same time peppering her conversions with passive aggressive remarks (you're so fat already, your friends earn more than you, your brother is so much better etc). I am used to this emotional manipulation so I held it together. But two days ago, when we were talking about the plans for the birth, she insisted she wanted to come straight afterwards, when DH was saying I need more help after a while, when he's not around. Her reply: "My own mother went on holiday a month after I gave birth I am sure you can manage" and "it's my decision not yours". At which I got annoyed and said well, he's the Dad, it's our decision but I agree of you want to come asap, just give me some space and let's book an AirBnB. Despite this big compromise, she's furious now, accusing DH to be manipulative, and she has left the house for two days and spending New Year's Eve in London (after not having seen me and DH for a year). I'm really not happy about this, I don't want this toxic environment and conversations in the months leading up to the birth and straight after it. DH is finding it difficult to hold his tongue and not get in a full blown argument with her, but basically he's shocker at how shit my family is being at the moment and also not happy they're barely speaking to him after all he's done for them over Xmas.

*shocked

I moved 6000 miles away. It helped considerably. I also know that my mom rarely follows through with her ideas.

For example, my mom now says she's going to come over when I finish work at 35 weeks (though honestly it's looking likely I'll have to be signed off before then). But there's no chance she actually will. Late babies run in the family, so no way will she sit around in my boring village for a few months! So I indulge her with uh huhs.

I only put my foot down when things are super important or when it actually looks like she might follow through with her crazy ideas (has happened about four times). Also the book 'trapped in the mirror' really helped me.

Hi,I’m sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this. I have had this with my own narc Mum. When I was having a miscarriage she told me not to get pregnant again as she found it too upsetting and stressful. I went on to have an additional ectopic pregnancy and she declared she was “bored of all this now!”.

Have you read this book? I found it to be very useful. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00EF5L2VW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21
I’m afraid that when we went through ivf and I managed to sustain a pregnancy I decided to cut my mother out. She’s just too damaging. Look up the grey rock technique. This maybe the way to maintain contact but not get too drawn into the drama. Remember she has no power and control over you. I know it feels like she does but she doesn’t! Xx

If you want her to help you when the baby comes, I guess you're going to have to put up with her. I personally moved thousands of km away and looked after the babies myself - the idea of having her around in any shape or form was NEVER going to happen. Good luck .

Go no contact. I learnt the hard way when my narc mother began abusing both my dcs. They are still emotionally damaged five years on after I went no contact.

Sounds the type of person that you wouldn't want your children round anyway what horrible comments to make to her own Daughter try your best to not let her get to you talk with hubby I'm sure you can think of other ways that don't involve her for help she can't just expect to be all nicey nicey without being a hands on grandmother that's not how it works she has responsibility as your mum to help you.

Why do you want her there at all? She'd make you miserable.

Your DH should not hold his tongue. If she goes off in a huff so be it.

Why are you twisting yourself in knots to appease her?