Feel like time is running out

[Clare19821]

Hello, I'm new to this chat - thanks in advance for listening. I'm 36 and have always wanted a big family (like 4 or 5 kids). I feel like time is running out and that I made the wrong life choices. I unfortunately didn't meet the right person until a couple of years ago -probably due to the fact that I had quite a demanding career and spent too much time working. I made a career switch a few years ago (primarily because I wanted to focus on finding love and building a family) and I met my partner who is 34. We have been together for almost 2 years. My partner is wonderful and supportive and he would be a great dad but in many ways I feel like he isn't as ready to start a family as I am. He also thinks because we're both fit and healthy that there's no rush. I have been feeling quite depressed with the new year coming - just thinking how quickly time has passed and that it's only 4 years til I'm 40. I really want to start trying to have a family now and I'm scared that time is running out and I've left it too late. My partner is in graduate school so is almost starting afresh with a new career that is taking up a lot of his time right now. I feel settled financially as I had a well paid job for many years, but he's not in the same position and won't be for a few years. But in a few years I'll be close to 40. I'm happy to take the financial burden, but my partner feels like he also has to be settled in his career and financially stable before we try to have kids. My fear is that then it will be too late. I've read some posts on here about people having multiple pregnancies after 35 which is lovely to hear. But I also know that is highly dependent on individual fertility and circumstances. I feel grateful that I have finally met someone who I want to have a family with, but I'm really scared about waiting any longer. Thank you for listening.

You won't know until you try. I suffered two and a half years of infertility from the age of 32! Finally became pregnant through ivf after no 'issues' found.

I read a statistic (and found an infographic that's on my computer and I'm currently on my phone) about probabilities of success with how many kids you want and at your age it really is inadvisable to delay if you want a big family.

At the same time, you shouldn't pressure him into it. Would you consider sperm donors?? Would you consider saying to him that time isn't on your side and that you're planning on stopping using birth control from x date and see what he says?

Thanks so much for your response. I'm sorry to hear about your long road to becoming pregnant. Yes, I saw these statistics too and it heightened my fear that I have waited too long. I suppose it's impossible to know how things will play out before trying. It could be easy or it could be really hard. This just adds to the anxiety. I have two younger sisters, one of whom became pregnant very quickly at age 32 and the other tried for 3 years from age 29 before having a couple of cycles of IVF and becoming pregnant. Because of my sister's problems, I had some fertility tests a few years ago before meeting my partner and luckily no issues were found which I'm very grateful for, but that was also when I was 33 not 36.
I don't think I would consider sperm donors. This was something I did consider before meeting my partner - and I set a cutoff date of 35 to do this - but now that I have met my partner being a family together is important to me, as well as just having a baby I guess.
I did already stop using birth control pills (and he was very supportive of this). I'd heard lots of stories about periods taking up to a couple of years to get back to normal after stopping birth control so I wanted to give my body time to do that. Everything seems quite regular and normal which is good. My partner is generally ok with 'being less careful' so to speak, he just doesn't want to actively plan or try to have a baby yet. He's sortof of the mentality that if it is meant to be then it will be, and he hates medical intervention (this is another of my concerns, if we do have issues and need IVF I imagine he'll be against it). I'm also aware that all my anxiety about this likely won't help if we do ultimately decide to try to conceive, but at the same time I don't want to risk being laidback about something that's very important to me and for time to run out.
We did talk about this again last night because it has been upsetting me. So I feel a little better, but I'm still concerned about my age and would prefer to actively try. Maybe giving him a little more time will help but that's my constant dilemma because time is not on our side. Thanks again for listening and for your advice - I really appreciate it.

It's a tough one, I totally understand your feelings on this and I'd be the same but it doesn't mean you'll have trouble later on. Does your partner understand your concerns? Would he be happy to not have a family if waiting were to make things difficult? Can you compromise
? Will having a baby affect his career plans right now? All this said, a lot of my friends have had kids over 40 with no issues at all and you don't know that you will struggle, you may have no issues at all but I guess waiting is a slight risk. Just to say also, I wanted 6 kids before I had 1, I had my first early 20's but I'm not going to get to 6 that's for sure, I love the ones I have dearly but it's no longer the plan, again you might feel differently and have one after another, people do of course. Xx

Sorry just read you second message after I replied, that's great that he's relaxed about you coming off birth control and is OK if it were to happen, he certainly isn't dead against it then. Great that you're talking over it too & Very positive too re the tests you had. Good luck X

Thanks so much for your response.
Yes, my partner does understand my concerns and we do talk about this, which is good. He definitely wants kids too but is less keen on having a large family than I am. He is the oldest of 6 siblings and his parents got divorced so he took care of his younger siblings a lot. As you say, maybe I will change my mind about how many kids once (if) we have one!
Having a baby right now wouldn't have to affect his career plans, but it probably would in reality as he wants to be very hands-on when we do have kids. His dad wasn't around much and he thinks parenting should truly be 50/50. Which is great of course (never thought I'd find someone like that!) It's part of the reason he wants to wait - so that we can both be in a more stable position to parent - but I am so worried we don't have the luxury of waiting.
I think he would be very happy if I were to fall pregnant, he just doesn't want to actively try for a baby. I guess no-one has an answer to this, as there is no answer really and you can't predict how easy or difficult it will be for us in the future. But I really appreciate all of the support and advice - thank you. Have been feeling very down about this whereas my partner is able to stay optimistic I guess. I think it's partly because it's the new year and I was thinking I'll turn 37 in 2019 and panicking. I'm also a little older than him. Nice to hear of lots of people having kids over 40, although I really hope it won't be that long for us. Thanks again xx

I was in a very similar situation to you at the beginning of this year, same age and same reluctant partner situation. I managed to convince my OH after a couple of months and unfortunately suffered a MC, which is something else to consider as can be more common with age - it could add a further 6 months + to your children timeline (but I’m now 37 and 20 weeks 😊)

It is completely different for men as we all know, they have all the time in the world to be a father. I think that if he is happy to ‘not try not prevent’ and see what happens, then it’s perfectly ok for you to time the ‘not trying’ to your fertile days. It would be more than possible to have multiple children if you get cracking.

Also there’s a good and supportive thread on conception boards for TTC #1 at 35+, I recommend chatting to those likeminded ladies!

Thanks so much Melamine, and many congrats on being half way through your pregnancy! I'm really sorry about your miscarriage. Thanks for sending positive thoughts my way - it's reassuring to hear of someone in a similar situation with a happy outcome. Really appreciate you directing me to the over 35 thread as well, as I'm new here so that's super helpful. Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and thanks so much again xx

Hi OP, I can see your parter’s reasoning, but I really think you’re in the right here.
My friend just had a healthy baby at the age of 42 but she had to endure 3 losses over 2 years to get him and she couldn't have the small sibling gap she’d hoped for. Time goes so quickly. Sorry to be a downer☹️ Men do have all the time in the world and often can’t see the urgency. All the best. X