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Original poster

Pregnant and in my first year of University

11 replies

Cat574 · 30/12/2018 17:59

Im 20 and found out not so long ago that I am pregnant and currently about 7 weeks and 6 days. However, I am currently in my first year of University studying to become a paramedic. Both I and my partner are both in our first years of Uni and while I live and study close to London, he is all the way at the bottom of the country in Exeter. I have an appointment booked in just over a weeks time for termination (the week commencing my first 3 exams), however, I don't feel like this is the right thing, nor do I particularly want to go through with it, although I will as my partner does not want the baby, and I wouldn't want to tie someone down like that. We have spoken about the possibilities of keeping it, however, nothing seems reasonable and almost impossible to do. He is a reasonable person and I completely understand the points he has made. I don't know if by having the termination I am making a mistake.
I'm very stressed and confused at the moment at what to do
Has anyone been in a similar situation and can give advice? Is University and having a baby possible?
Thank you x

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Don35 · 30/12/2018 18:14

It sounds like you want to keep it and he doesn't. I know you should come up with a solution together, but I can't help but think you are letting him sway you into his way of thinking. I was 18 when I had my first. My partner was extremely worried (he was the same age as me), but I guess what helped was talking to a lecturer I trusted. He gave me lots of useful advice and what helped was I wasn't the first ever person for this to happen to. To cut a long story short uni and a baby was very stressful, but I managed. There is a lot of help and support out there, whatever you choose to do. But it honestly sounds like you need more time to decide what you want to do. Talk to your partner again and explain how you feel. I ended up writing my partner a letter, explaining how I was torn and didn't know what to do and I knew if I wrote a letter then he couldn't butt in, he had to read it and I got my point across. I hope I've helped a little xx

Original poster
Cat574 · 30/12/2018 18:37

Its all very daunting, and I've known that I was pregnant from 5 weeks, so i have had a couple of weeks to think about things, I guess booking the appointment really kicked things off, however. The first initial reaction when telling my partner was to have an abortion. however over this past week he's been a lot more sympathetic and tried to consider the possibilities.
I guess one of his concerns is that by the time he finishes uni the baby will be 2 and he would have barely spent any time in the most glorious years, other than when he gets term time to come back, not only that ill be raising a baby more or less on my own.
Im currently at war with myself

thank you for the advice! i will try and contact a lecturer xx

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4catsaremylife · 30/12/2018 18:56

One of my classmates discovered she was pregnant at the start of her foundation year of university. She missed exactly 1 week for the birth came back did exams passed them all, then progressed onto an MChem passing with Distinction. The woman was amazing. University will have protocols in place for this situation, you are not the first students for this to happen to. They will also provide counseling services which may help you with your difficult decision.

hammeringinmyhead · 30/12/2018 19:12

I personally could not have done uni and a baby. Especially if you are geographically alone, it's a 24-hour job and interrupted sleep is brutal for concentration. I had about 12 contact hours a week for which I would have had no childcare.

It's not that it can't be done as people on my course had babies at 21 in final year, but if it were me I'd have to take a year off "maternity leave".

VI0LET · 30/12/2018 19:20

I’m sorry to hear about your situation OP. I’m sure you know this but there are other options apart from TOP or keeping the baby yourself.

These would be placing the baby for adoption through social services, either with an adoptive family or within the extended family of you or your partner.

I’d urge you to contact your uni counselling service and talk things through with a counsellor . You have a few weeks to make your decision.

Whatever happens, please don’t worry about “tying your partner down”. If he has A levels he's old enough and smart enough to know that sex can lead to babies. He made his choices when you and he had sex, you must do what is right for YOU now.

WhoAmIToDissABrie · 30/12/2018 20:06

There’s every chance if you have the baby you’ll end up a single parent which logistically you will anyway as you aren’t even near each other. Have you thought about how you will continue your course, what you’ll do for childcare and money? There’s lots to think about beyond it’s a baby. Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t have it, ultimately the decision has to be yours but you need to know how you’ll manage.

snoopy18 · 30/12/2018 20:13

You can do it if you really want to. There’s support available & women are amazing. Good luck whatever you decide :)

Original poster
Cat574 · 31/12/2018 01:40

Thank you all for your messages, I have a lot to consider x

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Original poster
Cat574 · 31/12/2018 02:15

I’m not 100% sure myself, but I’m worried that it’ll end up one of us resenting the other person

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AnxiousMama101 · 31/12/2018 02:37

Me and my partner found out I was pregnant in my first year of uni. I had a termination.

Yes it was extremely difficult to go through for me and my partner - however the timing was not right, we both were relying on loans to pay for rent and the courses we were doing and everything was just the wrong time for us.

Neither of us wanted to have the termination, but we knew trying to have and raise a baby would have been selfish and we didn't want to give up our first born to adoption.

3 years on, we are happily married and are now expecting our first baby any day now! We like to believe the soul we gave up then is the soul we are about to welcome into our lives.

Whatever you decide, you both need to discuss all your thoughts about your future together. All the best. You can message me if you would likeThanks

WH1SPERS · 31/12/2018 08:51

I’m afraid that whatever you decide, one of you may well end up resenting the other.

If you have an abortion and stay together and have another child later, you may resent that you didn’t keep your first child.

If you have an abortion and don’t stay together but either of you doesn’t have any more children, you may be heartbroken that you didn’t keep this one, your only chance.

If you keep the child and he buggers off, you will resent each other. You because you are doing it alone and him because he has to pay ( usually a tiny amount but many men believe they shouldn’t have to support their own kids).

If you have an abortion that you don’t want to ‘keep your man’, he will probably leave you anyway. Or you could end up hating him for what he made you do.

Etc etc

I’m afraid there are no easy answers to an unwanted pregnancy, especially for the woman.

Whatever happens you will probably feel sad, angry and guilty and your body and mind will be affected by the pregnancy, however it ends.

The odds of your relationship surviving this are slim , which is why most people on MN will tell you to do what is right for you and your potential child, not for a man who will probably not stay around .

Sorry if that sounds harsh but that’s the reality.

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