A sack full of straight parenting books for Xmas

[gaymummy]

A little rant...

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, with my girlfriend's egg (that's for another thread...)... I came back from our Xmas travels with a sack full of 'alternative' parenting books. One thing is, why were they all given to me, not us?... And the first page of all of them contain jokes and references about 'husband'. It's 'husband' throughout. Not even a nod to single or same sex parents. My sister mentioned that she did see one 'lesbian parenting' book but it was a lot shorter

I'm not a fan of these books anyhow, prefer just looking up what's going on week by week. And actually the 'alternative' ones that are trying to be jokey about the milk spurting boobs and loss of personality are far more terrifying than the how-to guides. But if I'm going to get a book I want one that doesn't assume I've got a husband.

Any recommendations or anyone in similar boat?

Wow. No suggestions I'm afraid, but that's really shit. I haven't really done any books. Just used the parenting science website for information on evidence based parenting. Not sure how much good that would be though as most research is very heteronormative.

This book was absolutely invaluable to me
www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Baby-Week-ultimate-UPDATED/dp/0091910552/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=your+baby+week+by+week&dpPl=1&dpID=51sx0qfbqQL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1545938474&sr=8-1
It has no references to mum or dad, it’s all about the baby!

I have no experiences with lesbian books I’m afraid, but the some of the ‘funny’ books that my husband was given were thoroughly patronising and were swiftly given to charity!

Yep it's annoying - fellow pregnant lesbian here. I have had to pull up my pregnancy yoga teacher on saying 'daddies' and 'husbands' every time instead of partner or other half, it made me feel quite alienated. Also when you get bigger, expect to have the conversation about how you conceived with anyone and everyone! The lady serving me in the chip shop wanted to know all about how the sperm met the egg the other day and I just wanted her to give me my chips

Best of luck with your pregnancy. I've found The Positive Birth Book by Milli Hill really wonderful even if there isn't any specifically lesbian or gay content. And not loads of assumptions about dads but just straightforward good advice.

Firstly congratulations :-)

Secondly most of the books are really patronising. I found them hard going with dd2 when I was a lone parent.

If you want something to read though 'why love matters' and 'the politics of breastfeeding' are fab!!

If you want to document your pregnancy a bit, I got a Bump to Birthday book early on. Each week it has a bit about baby's development, a bit to fill in about how you (the pregnant person) have been feeling and a bit to fill in called 'what we have been up to'. There are no references to mummy or daddy, and spaces for lots of photos too, and have found it to be factual rather than patronising.

Hope this helps, and congratulations!!

Someone is missing a trick. I bet there's money in it. Write one yourself!

Failing that I loathed all the books anyway. I support young pregnant women, mostly doing it alone. And they aren't represented either.

I hated all pregnancy books. Nothing catered for my situation (very complicated pregnancy with planned c-section necessary and anticipated from a very early stage). I charity shopped all of them and looked things up online when I had a question.

Sorry, not the same thing at all - I mean, the books didn't discriminate against me or exclude my entire domestic set up. Just a kind of companion rant. I did have a pregnancy app that had a "For Dad" section that gave me the rage every week. "it's funny when your wife's pregnancy stops her brain working, isn't it? Why not give her a foot massage and gently remind her to get the housework done?"

It's weird that they gave you books full stop, though, isn't it, even without the straight/gay thing? Pregnancy books are pretty personal, and something you'd buy for yourself, normally. They're an odd choice of present.

Is this family or friends who have given you the books?

Thanks all!

• I guess these books, especially the jovial ha ha your life is now over ones are pretty awful full stop... But they were given in very well intentioned way (by family on both sides), I think unless you've experienced it, people don't realise how alienating it is to read something that doesn't include you at all... - It is ridiculous considering the century - our IVF clinic was full of same sex parents and single women.

Sorry not sure how to reply to people specifically on here... - EnglishIrishRose -- really good to hear from a fellow pregnant lesbian! - I empathise with your chip shop chat and am dreading more of those conversations! We hate it when people say 'father' instead of 'donor'... And in general it feels weird discussing donor and IVF etc, especially now I'm actually pregnant, because it's not a theoretical discussion anymore it's my body...

We got a book - 'Confessions of the Other Mother' www.amazon.co.uk/Confessions-Other-Mother-Non-Biological-Lesbian/dp/0807079634/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&keywords=The+other+mother&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1546015682&sr=1-2 - interesting and nicely written but a bit outdated and U.S focused.

Thanks so much for the congrats and I will look up the suggestions! And write a book in my spare time.

You may have already seen the mighty girl website, but they have awesome suggestions for books (and toys and things, I think). There's one in there called Mommy, Mama and Me. I don't know how good it is but I've gifted other books from there and they've been excellent. Not what you're after now, but may be good when the baby's here?
www.amightygirl.com/books?age_range_filter=7&p=3

The two women next door have just had a baby. I can't believe how many people have asked me where the sperm came from. I've been baffled as to why anyone thinks I'd have asked, but it sounds like a lot of people do. So sorry you have to put up with that shit.

@gaymummy just remember you're not Chief Education Officer for the LGBT community though it does feel like that sometimes. It's good to rehearse the conversation in advance or set your boundaries in your own head so you know what you are happy to divulge or not. I've been generally OK talking about it as we're using a known donor and very open about it. But not everyone will feel the same way. If your response would ideally be 'thanks for your interest but I'm not willing to discuss that' or 'it's more of a private family matter for us' that's OK too. We also have people saying father or Dad and just correct them but it does get wearing!

I dunno. I'm a gay mum too, through adoption, and I just don't particularly expect most books to reflect our set up. Most of the world isn't set up like us. Shrug.

I go to great lengths to make sure that DD has books that reflect our set up, but DP and I are big girls - we get that we're a bit different and that's ok.

I had similar issues finding things that didn't refer to dad, daddy etc. (Different set of circumstances as I got pregnant from a one night stand) I just didn't buy baby "how to" books and I made my dds baby book myself rather than using a traditional one where I would have been leaving the father section blank. Also, unfortunately, you do get a lot of baby grow sets where one will say daddy's boy/girl so I made my own. Try not to take it too personally it is going to be everywhere and will drive you mad if you let it. Make things yourself where you can and get online for support. Congratulations mummies.

Also all baby and parenting books assume you have a neurotypical baby. I had an autistic baby and none of the techniques they suggested worked!
Most stuff is written for the majority of the population.