17 weeks pregnant with twins and paraysed by fear!

[Squiff70]

Hi all,

I'm 17+4 with twins (boy and girl as we found out yesterday at a private scan) and my anxiety is through the roof. I have NO clue about the practicalities of looking after 2 babies at the same time. I'm petrified I won't be able to breastfeed because it may send me mad within days (I know it's not the end of the world if they are bottle fed but I really want to BF for as long as possible).

I'm petrified one or both will cry all night and I get zero sleep because my biggest fear is snapping even though I have a contingency plan to put them both somewhere safe and walk away (not far, just another room or the garden) if it gets too much.

I'm petrified of having two human beings who are completely dependent on me when my partner is at work. I'm terrified of how I will keep up with the constant demands and needs of two very young children. I'm terrified of everything, in short.

Is it normal to feel like this? How are you supposed to cope? I've been having nightmares and panic attacks and can't carry on like this. If I'm like this now then I know the babies will find it harder to settle when they're born next May. I just can't cope. What do I do?

First of all, congratulations. I've got toddler twins. I felt the same as you when pregnant. Take up all offers of help, and if nobody is offering then ask. Get yourself a twin feeding pillow, they're useful even if you bottle feed. I had one by peanut and piglet and it was great. Put them in the same cot and they might help to regulate each other's sleeping. Mine have always slept with each other and they've always slept well from about 4 months.

You already know what you are going to do if you do feel that you're losing your cool and putting the baby somewhere safe and walking away is the absolute best thing you can do.

Having baby twins is extremely hard but I think it was possibly easier than I was expecting it to be because all people would say was stupid things like I feel sorry for you and one baby is so hard how are you manage with two. The answer is you just do because you have to.

Try and get them into the same routine, so feed them at the same time or very close to one another. Me and DH used to take one baby each at night and unless one of us was really struggling we would only deal with that baby and then swap the following night. If you end up bottle feeding or mixed feeding then the Perfect Prep Machine was a lifesaver. In the early days if in doubt feed them. Even if you just have. Check out the tamba website there's lots of resources around feeding.

It's not all doom and gloom. I wouldn't change having twins for the world when they go up to each other and give each other a hug and a kiss for no reason or they're both cuddled up to me - at times it definitely feels like a privilege

In terms of being on your own with them don't put any pressure on yourself to leave the house on your own with them too quickly. Just find your feet indoors. There's no rush. Little babies don't care where they are. I assume your partner will be getting paternity leave. Can he take some annual leave on top so that you can both get to grips with the newborns before you have to be on your own with them?

@Concernedaboutgran - thank you SO much for your advice and for telling me this is somewhat normal. It's a comfort to know I'm not alone in these fears. I know babies don't stay babies and that the sleepless nights and nappies will eventually end but I'm petrified all the same.

I've seen the Peanut and Piglet twin feeding pillows and am going to invest in one and I may well take your advice about putting them in the same cot, especially when they're tiny. It will be hard for them to be separated and they may settle better if they're placed in the cot/crib together.

I will try my best to get them into the same routine but my partner works nights a lot of the time and looking after two screaming babies overnight with nobody else there fills me with utter dread. I have no family locally and our local friends have all got babies or children of their own so they wouldn't be able to help out much.

I know deep down it won't be all doom and gloom but I am exhausted from putting on a happy, confident front that tonight I just feel broken.

Thank you again for your thoughtful and detailed response - I will definitely read it back on the tough days!

Can you speak to your midwife about how you're feeling? She might be able to refer you for counselling to help you to manage your anxiety?

I have done and I've been referred to the perinatal mental health service

Hi, I’m currently 19 weeks pregnant with twins and can totally relate to how you are feeling as I’ve had similar thoughts.

We had years of fertility treatment and you’d think I’d be jumping for joy constantly. Whilst I am absolutely over the moon the fear of the unknown is sometimes totally overwhelming.

We have a dog, who at nearly 5 years old has been with us and saved our sanity through the worst times of our lives, we adore him and he is treated like a baby. Most of my anxiety comes from how he is going in to cope and whether he’ll feel totally abandoned. I know that seems really extreme but it’s just how I feel.

Like PP have said you will cope because you have to cope. I know it will be really hard work but I’m trying to focus on the fact that all the teething will be together, toilet training will be together etc. If we had one baby and then another in a couple or years we’d be going through that all again. The baby stage will be hard but it won’t last forever.

Xxx

OP you will be fine

FINE

I am shouting because you will get a lot of people piling on to tell you how awful it will be, how they never left the house etc etc. People revel in misery. Truth is, unless your babies have special needs or disabilities, it is honestly okay. And I am speaking from the coalface here- my b/g twins were 10 mos last week. So no rose tinted spectacles here!

So if they cry at night - firstly, until recently mine didn't wake each other up. Weird but true. One would scream their head off 12 inches from the other, snoozing away. You can pre-empt screaming with a feeding routine. I set an alarm every 3-4 h and woke them, fed one at a time, winded, back to bed. Also, dummies. No time to be snooty about them - they are a lifesaver with twins.

Bfing totally possible. Mine were initially tube fed through their noses but learnt to bf. Refused to tandem (feed at same time) so I used to feed one whilst other was lying next to me with dummy plugged in, then swap. Just finished feeding about 3w ago.

Also, it is okay to anxious. It is just a feeling. Acknowledge it, think about it, put it aside if you can. If not, take up that perinatal MH referral. I found hypnobirthing really helped my anxious thoughts.

Also, the answer to how you take care of 2 at the same time is, you just do. You feed one, then another. You change two nappies in a row. You bundle them both in the buggy and just push it right out of the house when you need air. You just do it.

I know it sounds flippant, but it's not rocket science, it's just logistics.

And if they scream? They scream. They will not break. They will not remember when they are older.

It will be fine

@didihearthatright123456 - thank you for your reply. My dog is 15 (had him from a puppy) so I know what you mean. I don't treat mine like a baby but he is adored and well-treated. I don't know how we'll cope but I guess we just will, because we have to. Everything will, eventually, fall into place once some semblance of a routine has been established.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff - thank you also very much for taking the time and trouble to reply.

I am under no illusion that it will be the hardest thing I've ever done but there will be some good times too. I know they won't die from crying but screaming babies really freak me out as I don't know how to comfort them and sometimes seem to make them scream even more (admittedly not my babies though). I am by no means averse to dummies and nor is my partner. The boy was sucking his thumb during the scan yesterday and the girl had her hands behind her head and was totally chilling out (until they started kicking it each other). It was magical despite terrifying.

Hi @Squiff70 - I'm also 25 weeks pregnant with twins! I was freaking out a lot at the beginning, a bit less now mainly cos we're having some complications which I'm more focused on.

And also I'm a twin myself! I have a little girl who'll be 2 in January so I'm also worried about the multitasking. (But my mum pointed out most mums get a lot of confidence out of having raised one so far without managing to kill her (yet!) - so I'm lucky in that way at least.)

You're right that the constant cycle of feeding and sleeping can get pretty tiring. But also remember that for the first few months, sleeping and eating is literally your ONLY job. Nobody expects you to do anything more than that, except maybe watch some trashy TV :). And when you're sleeping fewer hours, you do sleep deeper when you do get to sleep... so I was actually surprised to find I often felt much less tired than I was expecting.

Another thing I wish someone had drilled into me is to remember that crying is basically just how babies communicate. It doesn't necessarily mean they're suffering, it just means they're asking you to do something. It's so easy though when you're tired to feel like crying = they're unhappy and you're making them unhappy, but that isn't true!

@comradelouise - I'm sorry you're having complications. Are you and your babies okay?

Thank you for pointing out that babies cry to communicate - I needed to hear that. It's good to know that every time the babies cry they're not necessaily distressed or in pain.

Raising a two year old is a huge challenge but at least you know what once she hits three or four, the worst is potentially over. You're doing an amazing job. Adding two to the mix must feel very daunting. I guess the fact that my partner and I don't have any children already means we can focus all our attention on these two babies and get everything done in one go. Teething, potty training and all the rest of it!

Also, nice to be reminded that eating and sleeping is all that will be required of me in terms of looking after myself - watching trashy TV would be good too!

One of them is fine, one has an unusually small cerebellum. The consultants don't know what it means... it might mean some level of disability or it might just catch up with growing later. I've got a (2nd) MRI at 30 weeks to find out more.

And I hope that didn't sound patronising, it was just something I kept forgetting myself! When she didn't stop crying, I definitely had a couple of moments of closing the door on my daughter and sitting down outside to breathe for a moment. I also put some soothing music on headphones to drown out her crying occasionally while I was figuring out what was wrong and how to fix it - that really helped me calm down.

I don't know if you knew there's a Multiple Births section on Mumsnet if you ever want to use that? Or do stay in touch if you want to swap coping tips! xx

I hope everything turns out okay with both your babies!

You didn't come across as patronising whatsoever. I'll take all the advice and tips I can get my hands on! There's absolutely nothing wrong with closing the door on your hccild nd using music to calm down. That's another tip I'll take on this journey with me!

I have seen and read through osme of the multiple births secion on MN but it always seems so quiet there! I will post there, I'm sure! Yes, it'd be great to keep in touch and swap tips. I can't say I have any yet though!

I have 7mo boy and girl twins and they are great! They are really quite manageable so far, even though neither wants a dummy and the girl won't take a bottle (not for lack of trying!). They are starting to get very entertaining as they interact more and more, and my 3yo DS loves them. I was scared too but tbh the pregnancy was the worst bit so far. And bf'ing twins just melts the baby weight off.

@villainousbroodmare - You amazing mummy! Looking forward already to getting the baby weight off, lol!

Squiff on comforting babies, these are your babies. You picking them up will be immediately comforting. Honestly it's like a superpower wish it still worked with the 3yo

Also if yours have to spend any time in nicu you may find it gets them into a routine. It did mine and I've heard lots of other people say the same.

It honestly really is manageable and now they are older they play with each other and it's lovely.

Hello,
I can relate to some of those anxious thoughts - I am 15w with twins, eeeek, - most of my thinking time is currently going to how to practically and financially provide for them, maybe having something to focus on has lessened the scary thoughts - I get intrusive thoughts about snapping as you refer to it or dropping a baby or harming them in some way - I know that I would never act on the thoughts but theyre still scary - mostly I just shudder and distract myself by thinking about something else. These thoughts are normal, but if the anxiety from having them is impacting you then I would say get support - I have also told midwife about potential for anxiety to go thru the roof and she has written to the mh team so they at least know about me. Great that you have a contingency plan in mind.

Just wanted to say hello - these are also my first babies and I really struggle MH wise if I don't sleep enough so I am nervous about feeding constantly and being awake half the night. I am researching gentle sleep solutions (i have sarah ockwell-smiths ? book) as I may need some way to help them get into a sleep routine early for my own sanity. I am planning on breastfeeding too , but will look into supplementing with formula if needed- I think we just have to be kind to ourselves and do whatever we can. Ive been binge watching a channel on youtube "Kate and the twins" - she managed with very little support and documents her days and feeding etc. that has helped loads in getting some idea what to expect!

I wish the multiple births thread was more active as would be good to chat to others going thru similar!

Hi, I don't have twins but I had a very small gap between 2 of my children and I recall expecting it to be extremely difficult because everyone was telling me I was brave and that 2 under 2 would be a huge handful. Now, I'm not super woman, I'm less organised than the average and pretty much go with the flow but I can promise you the anticipation was worse than reality and I had very little day to day support. I actually found adjusting to being a mother the first time harder than having two so little, and that was because I never bargained for how consumed with love, worry and responsibility I would feel, it sounds like you are mentally prepared for that though. I never worried at all during my first pregnancy, that was prob my age though tbh and it was a bit of a shock but still it was fine, just a surprise that it takes so long to get ready to leave the house just to get milk from the shop. If you are prepared which it sounds like you are, I am sure you'll be pleasantly surprised. I saw a twin mum and her mother carrying tiny twins around M&S food Hall with a double buggy full of the christmas shop the other day and I was stressed just my trolley and me, they looked super chilled amongst the chaos and I guess that comes with experience. Instinct will guide you and you've absolutely done the right thing letting midwife know how you feel so you can be fully supported. Take care and be kind to yourself x

Thank you everyone so so much for your replies, advice and tips. I don't feel mentally prepared whatsoever but I guess there are four months to GET as prepared as we can possibly be. I'm very lucky in that I have a loving and supportive partner who wil make a fantastic dad to our son and daughter. He understands me and my fears and I am truly grateful for that. I will take any and all support I can get both during the pregnancy and after the babies have arrived.

Whether you're pregnant with twins, already have twins or have more than one child close in age, I salute you - you're doing great jobs in holding everything together and I hope you know that!

If you're celebrating, have a really lovely Christmas, all of you.