Advice needed - because my anxiety is through the roof

[PotentialParent]

Maybe this is not the correct place to post - but I just need to get it off my chest.

I have ademently never wanted my own biological children. Had I been allowed to remove my uterus at age 14 I would have jumped at the chance. Pregnancy and childbirth and anything associated with natural "mothering" do not appeal to me at all (e.g. Breastfeeding). I am actually quite terrified of pregnancy and childbirth - I get anxious whenever I hear any of my friends are pregnant because I am so scared they will die or be hurt or that something terrible will happen to the baby.

However, recently, I have started really wanting a child. I desperately want a child - the idea of having a child I can share my days with and help teach to cook, draw, do science experiments with, have Christmas with, etc. However, I still have no desire to get pregnant or take maternity leave or give birth or do any of that. Because I am terrified that something awful would happen.

I am very keen on the idea of adopting, but my husband wants to have one bio child at least and then would be open to adopting. I don't want to deny him the opportunity to have his own biological child, but I just don't know how I can get over my own fears - I know that i could go private and have a csection (which would help) but I am very concerned I wouldn't bond with my own baby because of my fears and phobia around reproduction.

Anyway, this is all kind of random and premature as we don't think we'd start trying for a baby until 2020,but I am a very type a person and I struggle with anxiety and I love to have plans. I just kind of wanted to get this out there - I know it's silly and I shouldn't be worried about these things, and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone or anything.

I think you need to do a bit more research into adopting.

This sounds like an anxiety issue so treat the anxiety. Adoption isn't the easy route.

Posted too soon.

I mean, glibly talking about adoption like it's the easier option smacks of someone that has no idea what that involves.

I sort of understand. I used to feel really mildly horrified at the thought of anything pregnancy related, particularly breastfeeding for some reason. And I never had a really strong urge to have a child, I just knew I wanted a family with my partner. Now I’m pregnant and I’m way more relaxed about it than I expected, I feel like my body is doing what it’s meant to do. It’s out of my control now so I’m just going with it.

However your anxiety about it sounds pretty bad so I agree with @Doyoumind, you should look at treating the anxiety.

As long as women have walked the earth they’ve given birth and we’ve survived as a species so while the outcome is occasionally bad, most of the time it ends with a happy and healthy mother and child

I don't think adoption is easier - I never meant to imply that. I think adoption is wonderful and I would very much like to adopt. I am happy to go through the difficulties associated with adopting - the potential that you have someone back out at the last moment, that the child/children you adopt may have different/additional needs, that it takes a lot of time and money and investment of emotion to adopt. Sorry to have given that impression. I don't know how best to explain it. I have felt drawn to adoption since I was younger, which I should have mentioned, I realised. I have done some research into adoption agencies around my area, and do understand that it is not a easy, painless, or quick process.

I feel like I'm broken - I feel like I should find the idea of having my own baby lovely but I just don't.

I am in treatment for my anxiety and I thought it was working, but clearly not. :/

Again, sorry I never meant to imply adoption was easier or not difficult, just that to me it feels like it would be the more suitable option.

You obviously have a very high level of aniexty around pregnancy, childbirth and children. Do you feel that this would somehow reduce at some cut off age when they are no longer a baby?

I came from a similar boat! I've always had insane anxiety about anything medical - needles, doctors, examinations, hospitals and especially childbirth. I always wanted kids but when I actually found out I was pregnant I broke down to my husband and told him how terrified I was. When I went to my first midwife appointment, I was shaking and crying so much that when she tried to take my blood - she had to give up and reschedule.

I then went to a hypnotherapy session for anxiety and I am AMAZED on how much its changed me. I mean I don't want to lie and say I am 100% cool with hospitals, I still have a pang of nerves when I'm walking through the doors but its more rational now. I also did hypnobirthing which has honestly relaxed me so much that I've gone from wanting an elective c-section to a water birth.

Pregnancy changes your attitudes to a lot of the things you're scared about but I would highly recommend treating your anxiety. It really does just take a session or 2 with a good hypnotherapist and takes a huge weight off your shoulders! I had no idea how much my anxiety restricted me until it was "cured".

I know its a bit of a cliche thing to say but if I can go through with it... anyone can! (P.S. I still have 2 weeks left until my due date!) Mumsnet is also amazing at reading threads about this sort of thing - so many people have been in your boat.

Good luck with whatever you decide! x

@foxglovestar I am definitely more comfortable with kids 18 months and up. Newborns scare the crap out of me (I always fear they will break) and I prefer kids once they can sort of communicate their needs and when they can survive with the help of someone else, not just me (e.g. I would not want to breastfeed because only I could do that - I would want to bottle feed because then my husband, mum, dad, nanny, whoever can help too).

@kirstywursty012 thank you so much for this comment. It sounds so stupid but just knowing someone else understands where I'm coming from sort of makes me feel a bit less... Ridiculous. My husband tries but if he was any more relaxed he'd be horizontal 🙄 hypnosis sounds interesting - I am skeptical about stuff like that sometimes but maybe it would be worth it. I'm not really scared of medical procedures/doctors I'm more scared of nature!

Hello there,

I understand exactly where you are coming from. Since as early as I can remember, I was adamant I would never have children Basically because the thought of pregnancy and childbirth would set off an uncontrollable anxiety response - I couldn't think about it, or even see anything to do with pregnancy or childbirth without shaking and feeling the need to flee the situation. I couldn't have a conversation with my husband about it without ending up in tears and feeling ill.

However... I am now pregnant! Like you, my husband and I discussed adoption - we went as far as contacting agencies to speak to people for further information, and read everything we could. At the same time, I started counselling/CBT for my fears about pregnancy - just to see what would happen and if it would have an effect on how I felt. I was also taking an antidepressant for generalised anxiety - basically, I'm a pretty anxious person if I don't watch out for it and get it under control.

Through the counselling, I gradually came round to the idea of becoming pregnant, and earlier this year started to TTC. I came off the antidepressants. I was convinced that when I became pregnant, I'd become an absolute wreck with nerves, etc. But unbelievably, I've surprised myself - I'm doing remarkably well and taking each day as it comes. (Don't know whether this is because I have hideous 24/7 nausea and sickness, so I have no room left in my mind to worry, haha!)

So anyway, I guess I'm trying to say - what I thought I knew about myself has actually been turned on its head... Don't know whether it's useful for you to know that - so sorry if this spiel has been irrelevant!

More than happy if you want to contact me to chat.

@magicnumber8 thank you very much for your message. I might take you up on that chat - it's very kind of you. Best of luck with your pregnancy and I hope your morning sickness eases up soon!

You did not make it sound like you thought adoption was the easy option to me, just that you liked the idea of it, I have always wanted to adopt too not sure I need to have deeply researched it to qualify to say so. I can't tell you your fears will evaporate if you do get pregnant but sure there are lots of women out there who have been where you are and could share their personal experiences. You sound like a nice person and a great wife considering your husbands desires despite your fears. Sorry I can't help more but I hope you get some support from someone who has been here too. X

sorry my mistake!

I’ve always been terrified of the idea of being pregnant and I’m constantly waiting to suddenly feel the urge to have a baby but it still hasn’t happened! I do however see babies in our future so hopefully I’ll feel ready in a year or so. I’m not even sure how ready people are supposed to feel?

The idea of the pain, the physical aspect of pushing a baby out, having to sort of give your body over to medical professionals and feel out of control is really off putting for me. I’m also quite worried about something going wrong with the baby or me.

I also have high anxiety and worry about everything. It’s reallg helpful hearing that others feel this way too and some of those people are now happily pregnant/mums.

I also think adoption is a lovely idea for you.

@PotentialParent No problem at all. Please go ahead and message me anytime. I've lurked on Mumsnet for the last few months, and have never posted before - but your post really struck a chord with me, and I couldn't not reply.

Something else I thought of - one of my friends pointed out to me that they didn't get pregnant because she wanted a baby - she got pregnant because she wanted a family. That really helped me rationalise things too. I've never been a kiddie person - I don't coo over other people's babies/children - and that had made me feel like perhaps I just wasn't maternal. But my friend saying that helped me to see that the baby bit is really just a stage of getting to the bigger picture of a family. Maybe that thought could help you too?

Anyway, I'll stop waffling now - but do get in touch if you'd like to.

I'm by no means cured - I still have a lot of fears about the whole thing, but it's much more manageable than I'd ever thought it would be now that I'm actually in the situation!