Exhausted sick pay

[Yellowmellowed]

Hello,

I was just looking for thoughts really, I’m almost 24 weeks pregnant with my first and I’ve really struggled with morning sickness. I’ve been in A&E, not kept any food/water down or very little, lost weight (although I’m regaining now) cried my eyes out because it’s been so awful etc. Doctors have prescribed me with medication and it’s just nausea I’m dealing with now, well I just just It’s awful too. Along with every other pregnancy symptom head aches, constipation etc. It’s been mentally draining been so poorly since around week 7 to now and I’m still not ok.
My DP has been really surportive however I don’t think he realises how poorly I’ve been. He’s not great at realising situations or picking up on feelings he thinks I’ve just had a bad time. Which I guess is true, whilst I’ve been poorly I’ve had almost 12 weeks off work as I’ve been unable to leave the house (due to the vomiting, nausea, migraines and constipation) which has been hard on my mental health to be honest. (I’m ok but it’s demoralising)

Anyway, the point I’m wanting to get too is that my DP has said for me to look after myself and make sure I’m fully 100% ok as I’ve returned to work then ended up worse. i already feel guilty on my coworkers picking extra work up but I’m also starting to feel guilty that as of this week my sick pay has been fully used. I have a good job which will shortly be a good career so my wage will take a hit but I feel bad for my DP he will be covering for me, so to speak. We’ve been together 9 years, own a house and marriage is on the cards but we’ve both been earning our own money in this time and transfer what’s need to the joint account for bills etc.
I just wondered what your thoughts were? My DP has said he will help me out no matter what but I don’t like the thought of him working extra or relying on him for money..

Am I just worrying about something stupid?

I'm in a similar boat. I'm 28 + 4 and can't really walk any more due to spd. It really has me down that I'm so isolated. I have a very part time job that I started after I was pregnant and haven't accumulated much sick pay. The job involves lots of walking.

Everyone is telling me to jack it in but I'm worried about money... I don't earn a lot (my husband pays the mortgage and bills and I pay for my car) but leaving work this early leaves me feeling really vulnerable in a way I've never felt before (before our ivf cycle that got me pregnant, I was the breadwinner).

I'm trying to see all of this as a lesson in humility. Life taught me a long time ago that we can't have it all.

I just have to trust my husband and rely on him a bit more. He doesn't understand how much pain moving involves for me, but he's trying - telling me to go to private physio and chiropractor etc... and then gets cross when I say I can't afford it. He then responds but WE can.

Talk to your partner about how you're feeling.

I’m 26 weeks and also barely mobile due to SPD. I’m a teacher with exam groups and so cannot go off sick yet. I’m sticking myself in a wheely computer chair at the front of the room and making the kids come to me rather than me walk round the room. Struggling to walk to the staff room and toilets but just about managing still. If it doesn’t improve then I’m not sure how much longer I can carry on!

Thanks Kate! Sorry to hear how unwell you are too, I can only imagine how awful SPD is. That’s exactly how I’m feeling at the moment isolated and then I’m thinking about everything in far too much detail.

When are you planning to start your mat leave and how long are you taking? I was planning on a year and saving up for the last 3 months (as it will be unpaid) but I’m wondering if I’m able to afford it as it’s setting me back and feels like it’s never going to end.

Your husband sounds similar to my DP he tries to understand but I know he doesn’t quite get how much it’s affecting me, we’ve spoken about it but I appreciate he’s at least trying. I hope you start to feel better soon & congrats on your pregnancy. I will have a proper chat re: money with him tonight.

@Buggeroffbingbunny sorry to hear you’re having a shit time too, SPD sounds absolutely awful. What a crappy timing period for you with exams too, I hope you feel better soon! Is this baby your first?

Hi sorry to hear you’ve had a rough time :( I’m 38 weeks, have spd and had a horrendous first trimester too so I feel your pain.
2 years ago I went back to university meaning we lost my wage, I have been with my DP 10 years and we have a mortgage and at that time no children. We discussed it and set a plan in place but I found adjusting to being reliant on him very very hard. I have got used to it but sometimes i still have a little wobble about it. It goes against what I’m made of having to be financially reliant on him. It bothers me far more than it does him though.
If you have a good partner it will work out whatever you decide, sounds like he’s willing to be supportive.
They don’t get the pregnancy stuff because they don’t have to suffer with it, my DP has only just in the last week or so started understanding that there are things I actually can’t do anymore 🙈

Hi @harrypotterfan1604 sorry you’ve had a rough time too, I’m feeling grateful I’ve dodged this SPD! As I say I can only imagine how awful it is, I’m not sure if I’m naive but I hadn’t heard of SPD, HG or extreme morning sickness before I was pregnant - nobody warns you it might not be a breeze in the park and of course, I’ve got work colleagues and friends of friends who are also pregnant. They are breezing through it & have that bloody glow which I thought was a myth lol.

Congrats on your pregnancy and going back to uni! I’m planning on going back PT a little later down the line, but would love to do it FT. You must be close to finishing the degree? I think you’ve summed it up perfectly here;

It goes against what I’m made of having to be financially reliant on him. It bothers me far more than it does him though.

That’s exactly how I feel. It definately bothers me more than him we had a brief discussion a week or so again as I was crying again (honestly not cryer usually but my hormones are mental) talking about money and he’s as laid back as ever saying it’s fine he can cover us both and if I need anything just say. He has a good job and is the breadwinner and I’m really happy with him. I just worry as he doesn’t fully understand does he think I’m capable of being in work. I’ve never had excessive sickness in any job so he knows it’s unusual.

My DP is the same there too! He’ll be relieved to know it’s normal not to quiet get it

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

I would say get used to the crying because it just gets worse 🙈 sorry! I’m not a cryer either but pregnancy does some weird stuff to your body and mind, I’ve turned into an emotional wreck or a totally unreasonable bitch there’s no inbetween haha

One year left of my degree so I’m just having 7 months out then back to it with a baby I’m clearly bonkers!

I hadn’t heard of any of these awful things either all of my friends had lovely easy pregnancies so I was oblivious.

The financial side does get easier although like I said the odd time it’s still a bit like Ergh I feel like I need to ask permission to buy this even though I know I don’t. Just today i spent £40 from the joint account in mothercare but called DP and told him what I’d bought ( maternity leggings, nipple creams, pads and baby bedding 😂) and he just said why are you telling me you don’t need approval spend what you want on whatever you want . I can’t ask for much more than that 😍

I finished up work after 27 weeks I'm now 29! I'd had over a month off during 16-23 weeks so have used up all my works sick pay! I went back for 2 weeks and passed out whilst there! We have decided that it's not worth being ill and putting baby at risk. You will get statutory sick pay off of the government if your doctor medically signs you off which is about £400 odd a month

@harrypotterfan1604

Haha I’m crying at everything! Something daft on TV - to somebody at work asking if I was ok! Yeah I’m either sobbing or I’m being completely unreasonable.

Good luck with your final year! I’m the first out of my closest friends who’s fell pregnant so only really had colleagues to go off. Your DH sounds great and exactly like you say that’s all you need.

Thanks Moodymoo yeah SSP is still really low, I think it’s just the drop I’m worried about. How awful passing out at work! Think you’ve definately done the right thing, hope you’re feeling better.

@Yellowmellowed no it’s my second, already have a toddler which doesn’t help as you end up carrying them round all the time!

Don’t look at it as him supporting you. He is going to have to support his baby anyway, it’s just that baby needs his support a few months earlier than scheduled. Any man worth having would be falling over themselves to look after you and his child while you are both so vulnerable - let him do his bit and don’t worry about it. You are more than doing your bit

Sorry to hear you ladies that have had a tough time with pregnancy- I know I was very lucky in both of my pregnancies to not be so ill.

Finically it is very difficult if you are used to being so financially independent. My DH and I decided to have one joint account from the month we got married so by the time children abc reduced pay came around we were well used to working from one pot of money. It has always worked well for us.

You need to remember that you are having his baby as well as yours and presumably this was a joint decision. When you made a choice to become parents together you know that while on maternity leave your pay will reduce, when you return to work your pay might reduce if you go part time or certainly there will be childcare costs and these should be borne by both parents not just one. So all this means is the cost of being a parent is hitting you both a little bit earlier than expected. Don't feel bad because a partner has to contribute financially for the costs of having a baby.

Thanks ladies you’ve made me feel a lot better. You are all right, we have planned and been TTC for almost 18 months, so both over the moon - I think I’m one of those people who likes to be organised and I’ve had it in my head that I’d be pregnant, glowing everywhere and be one of them ladies who love being pregnant wow, how wrong I could be. I’m nothing like that 😂

We both thought pregnancy would be a walk in the park.We have discussed childcare costs, luckily we have family who can and have offered help and we are going to be using a child minder once my mat leave runs out. I’m also quite happy to look into flexible working either 4 long days or 30hours. It’s just been a shock I think of how horrible morning sickness truely is.

I suppose you can never be fully organised for a baby can you?!

I too imagined I'd be one of those glowing people. I stupidly thought I deserved it after two and a half years ttc, ivf, miscarriages, having my hometown threatened by a fire and then destroyed by mudslides, parents divorcing after 42 years and my career meltdown. But there is no such thing as luck or fate or whatever.

My mum said her pregnancies were fantastic too.

But alas, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'm trying work tomorrow. I could stand up today!!! Yay!!!