Comments from my dad. I’m so annoyed but maybe I’m overreacting?

[Monkeynuts18]

I recently told my dad I am pregnant, at around 7 weeks. I’m an only child so it’s their first grandchild. Obviously still in the first trimester with all the uncertainty that brings. He seemed very happy about it.

His first (and only) piece of advice was ‘well, if [my DH’s name] doesn’t want to be present for the birth then don’t make him. And certainly don’t make him stand at the wrong end. If you want him by your head, fine. But I was at the wrong end when you were born. I saw everything and found it traumatic. The woman’s giving birth but she doesn’t actually have to see what’s going on. Dreadful.’

I reacted quite badly at the time but I’ve since thought about it and felt increasingly angry. At the moment I just want to get past the 12 week mark. Who on earth would think that’s an appropriate thing to say to anyone but especially their newly pregnant daughter?

Am I overreacting?

Sounds like your dad found your birth traumatic. I'm sure once the news sinks in he'll be more supportive.

I wouldn't take any notice really, it's up to you and your partner whether he wants or should be there or not, as to seeing things that's a choice your partner can make, my hubby has seen and he was fine with it

Maybe he has bad memories of your arrival? Concern for your dm!! Fear of the unknown! He was tactless but you don't know how things were for him -
As you weren't quite there!!

When my pfb was born my df was shocked her eyes were open.
"don't they open at a few weeks old?"
No df, that's kittens!!

@Monkeynuts18 I wouldn’t worry too much - perhaps he just has repressed memories! When I was born apparently it was awful, the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and I came out purple and my poor Dad found it incredibly traumatic to watch and still talks about it now! I’m sure he honestly just thinks he’s giving you some parental advice. Maybe just kindly ask him to keep it to himself next time if it is upsetting to you :)

Unfortunately you will have to get used to it. Now that you're pregnant everyone will have an opinion. On what you eat, wear, travel, sleep, stand, sit and breathe. And that's just the pregnancy.

He was tactless but sharing his experience of the birth. Many many people will want to share their experience. Some good some bad.

Congratulations

Does this explain why you are an only child?

I think his experience is valid and he's watching out for your DP which is nice.

Thank you everybody for your replies. I suppose I am overreacting. I’m a bit sensitive at the moment. He is allowed to have found the experience traumatic. And I think my birth was objectively pretty traumatic - I think my mum suffered a placental abruption and delivered me early, and that’s why I’m an only child (the risk of another placental abruption was too great).

I suppose what irritated me is that he wasn’t saying he found it traumatic because of concern for me or my mum. He was saying it in a ‘it was like watching my favourite pub burn down’ kind of way - i.e. it was so gross to watch.

Sorry, pressed ‘post’ too soon.

Hence all the ‘wrong end’ and ‘the woman doesn’t see it’ comments.

Anyway - he was tactless but no good can come of dwelling on it, and as @madeforthis wisely points out, pregnant women have to get used to tactless intrusive comments!

Yes you are overreacting!

The woman’s giving birth but she doesn’t actually have to see what’s going on. Dreadful.

I think he’s right! As far as I can tell, having had 3 vaginal births, the absolute best thing about being the one who is giving birth is that you don’t have to look at iu

He's being a bit insensitive to you, but he is just giving advice based on his experience. I know my husband was pretty shook up by the birth of our son. I had an episiotomy and there was a lot of blood at the business end, and we had been told I might have to be taken for an emergency section if they couldn't get baby out quickly. He was very frightened for me and the baby.

I'm not saying your dad is correct or not, but he obviously won't be the first or last partner to underestimate how bloody and stressful birth can be.

Yes. You're overreacting. There is no way I'd want my husband down the business end and I'd be happy for another man to tell him that too.

You've already said your dad is happy for you. It sounds like he's just trying to share his experience of childbirth with you to try and bond with you over it all. I think it's quite sweet in a daft way. And yeah - my guess is that it is a bit gross and a mess down there. Glad I don't have to see it.

I would appreciate his honesty I suppose, yes his timing was awful, but nothing worth upsetting yourself over. When I first told my sister, her first words to me were warning me about miscarriage. Made me very nervous indeed, but I know she loves me X she is just sharing her own thoughts X which I feel is the bottom line

My dad said the same thing. He also said most men were useless as birth partners and I'd be better with a female friend who has done it before. I ignored him but he was sort of right and DH admitted he was glad my second DC was a section because he found it traumatic to watch. I've no doubt some men are brilliant though, and don't freak out at all!

My dd is 3 now. DH still shudders at the memory of my giving birth to her. He was shocked by all the blood - said it was like a scene from MASH.

My DH was at the head endand saw everything anyway - he was totally traumatised (I had a tough time and it was out of concern for me) however that being said he's more concerned about this birth as it's a section lol.

People will always try and give you all sorts of advice so I'd just take everything with a pinch of salt anyway. The first thing my dad asked me was 'was it planned - accidents happen you know!' - nice one!

Congratulations xxx

My other half accidentally got a full frontal view of the “business end” before they stitched me up (he was coming back ftom seeing the baby) and it was pretty teaumatic for him! I was quite glad I didn’t have to seeit.

I think your dad means well and is trying to offer helpful advice so try and take it in that spirit. It can be difficult for people who don’t know/can’t remember what pregnancy is like to know what the right thing to say is. It’s usually meant well though.