Any advice?

[ashamalika]

Hey
Need some advice guys
So my fiancé has begged for a baby for years.. I've always said I wanted to wait till after we were married. Every month when I'd start my period he'd be disappointed. Until a few weeks ago when I found out I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant! The first week he was lovely wouldn't let me lift a finger, kissing my still flat belly and talking to our child even though he knows the baby can't hear him yet. I was so shocked and pleased and proud of the way he handled everything. Then all of a sudden this week (my second week knowing I'm pregnant) he's changed. He acts like I'm not pregnant making me run around after him, if I feel sick or say I'm not interested in a certain food he says I'm being fussy and spoilt. He's planning a birthday party for a friend of mine in a club and expects me to attend.. And asked me to be their designated driver... since I can't drink. I don't know what to do. Do you think he's just freaking out about the new responsibilities? Do you think he was just being immature when asking and begging for a baby and now he's got it he realises he actually didn't want that? I don't know what to do this is my first baby and I'm terrified! I can't imagine doing this without my fiancé I just need him to man up and deal with what god has planned for us! Is that too much to ask?

Hi congratulations on your pregnancy.
I’m afraid your going to have to toughen up a bit.
What do you expect from your partner at this early stage? Yes you may be feeling sick and off your food but so are so many other women who don’t have partners to run round after them.
My partner is fantastic but I’m 37 weeks and still cool, clean and walk my dogs because I’m able to do it and I’m pregnant not unwell.
Why can’t you attend a party in a club and be the driver ? You can’t have a drink anyway so what’s the issue with that?
I think you should pick your battles, pregnancy is long and often hard and there will be times when he needs to step up more than he does now so save the battle for another time.
It’s a huge shock finding out your pregnant his emotional are probably all over the place men deal with things very differently to women.
Cut him some slack, perhaps at your 12w scan when he can see the baby it might just become a bit more real for him and he might change again.

Congratulations! He may be just freaking out. May be if you explain to him that you don't feel very well and that you may not be able to continue with normal things every day. May be just plan for the day, as you don't know how you will feel tomorrow. I am 13 weeks now, but in the first 10 I couldn't leave the house, I was very ill. Luckily my partner has been amazing. It was me who was freaking out. I don't agree with the previous lady that said you ought to toughen up. You are already tired, emotional and carrying a huge burden, I think you need kindness and love. Please be kind and compassionate to your self. Your fiancée may not realise how hard it is. Be sure to look after yourself. Sending you hugs

I've been so physically drained this first trimester so far (second is in sight now and I'm praying for a change!!) that it has surprised me, I am managing to get on with it at work but once I come home it's food and bed, but I don't expect to be treated differently because of it, women have been doing this since forever after all! It's harder than I ever expected but it is what it is.
I've sort of offered to be the designated driver for events... warned people I may not last the whole evening and they can either come when I go or get a taxi. I would not commit to being around drunk people all night though! (Went to wedding reception and was almost falling asleep by 10 so left, not many people know so probably thought I was rude and unsociable but they'll understand when they find out!)

I can't really see what he's doing wrong?? He shouldn't have to do everything for you while you're pregnant. And why not be the driver if you can't drink? That seems sensible.

Think someone's got a bit used to having someone doing everything for them...

Think you'll just have to suck it up and get on with it, I didn't let my partner help me at all and helped hands on renovating our house when I was pregnant, just have to get on with life.

Pregnancy is long. Should he wait on you hand and foot the whole time? There will be moments when you need more support or when you develop complications and need to communicate your needs to him.

When we found out I was finally pregnant the joke was that my dh had a dd on hand! Laugh it off. There's enough to get miserable about in pregnancy (I've had spd from very early on but am now starting to really need extra help at 28 weeks. Also anaemia is shit) so let him know your needs but save the moments you really need help for when you really need it.

All he’s done is ask you to drive him to a party and said you were being picky with your food and suddenly you are completely doubting him? Maybe there is more to it but it kinda sounds like you are the one with the problem.

My ex went like this after our first daughter was born. It was as if he thought “Well we have a child now and because of this, she’ll never leave me, so I’ll stop making an effort” I put up with it for a couple of years then left him as I knew he was never going to change.

Try and talk to your partner and explain how your feeling. Your hormones will be all over the place and you’re probably feeling a bit sorry for yourself. Don’t be running about after him though - be a team and share the chores...etc. And I think he is being unfair by calling you spoilt or fussy if you don’t fancy a certain food, I remember how awful I felt with my pregnancy - I couldn’t stomach any food and couldn’t even eat the Christmas dinner that my mum had slaved over! But she didn’t take offence and completely understood. Hopefully once you’ve had a chat to him he’ll be more understanding too.

Good luck, and congrats!

Wow those are some harsh responses!

It doesn’t sound like the OP expects to be waited on hand and foot, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting not to be called spoilt when saying you feel nauseous.

The party is different though, you say it’s for your friend OP so you probably should go, and if you go why wouldn’t you drive? You don’t have to stay until the very end of the night, you can make that clear ahead of time and tell him if he wants to stay out to get a taxi home. That’s what I’d do.

When I found out I was pregnant, my hubby reacted so strangely and didn’t even want to accept that we were having a baby! But as soon as he saw the little blip at the first scan he fell in love and hasn’t stopped talking to bump all throughout my pregnancy.
However, I still have things to do on a daily basis. If I do need help, I ask and he helps lifting things or even to help getting me up the stairs! (Bad back and hips - joys of pregnancy!)
I think he’s maybe gone into overdrive and struggling to understand how you feel, so talk to him about it. You can still go out, if you have to be designated driver it makes sense but if you don’t end up feeling well, least you could excuse yourself!
Best of luck and congratulations! X

I don't really see what he's done either. He can't spend the next 8 months fawning on you. It's perfectly reasonable to expect you to come to a party or ask if you could drive since you won't be drinking. If you actually need specific help because you are really struggling with, say, nausea or exhaustion, then ask for it. He shouldn't be calling you spoilt if you're having bad nausea but pregnancy isn't an excuse to sit on your arse being waited on. Life goes on.

OP, I think some PP are being a bit harsh. You're perhaps being a bit oversensitive - but that's allowed, your hormones are all over the place right now.

It doesn't sound like your OH understands that very well either, so perhaps you could gently point out to him that you're a bit sensitive/emotional and just to bear it in mind? And then if you bear in mind that you will be too, and try to think things through rationally before you react emotionally, you'll rub along just fine

I think I'd say you will go to the party and/or drive him if you're feeling up to it, but he should be prepared to take a taxi or make alternative arrangements in case you don't. I was knackered around that point of my pregnancy and I'm not sure I'd have been up for a late night in a club!