WWYD Relationship problems with parent's

[Courtneybrown]

Hi im curently due my 4th baby my first girl that my mum has been longing for although she loves her grandsons to bits.. the problem is me and my father had a very rocky relationship always controlling me and bringing me down i will never amount blah blah blah he still says im worse than his drug addicted 35 year old daughter ... i work drive dont smoke drink or take drugs but i have apprently ruined my life not got anywhere i still however do what i can for my dad as he's my dad and i love him he never came into my life until i was 5 as he left my mum pregant ...

my mum suffers ocd and anxiety this was very extreme ocd during my childhood i had to paint her walls with her at 4am if someone was coming to visit couldnt step on the rug etc.

but since I've had my children she has consistently told me she doesn't want a relationship with me or my children if she doesn't get her own way she comes into my house and trys to parent my children gives them sweets 5 mins before dinner if i say no she says im bullying my kids by not giving them the sweets and she storms out of my house i feel like im walking on eggshells i love her but she consistently brings me down about every wee thing ive went from 8st to 11 with my third baby and fell pregnant right away so again I'm getting called fat.

She messaged me last Friday telling me she means it this time I've to stay away from her and she doesn't want to see kids ... she done this when i was a kid constantly telling me she was leaving and im begging her to stay.. anyways this time i told her that would be best as i can't feel like this anymore.

Is this relationship a lost cause or is it salvageable x

I’m sorry your going through this

I would give her space and don’t pander to it. You want people in your kids life who will enhance their lives, not try this shit with them when they are old enough.

I mean it may be salvageable if she comes to her senses but then I wouldn’t count on it.

You deserve better

Thank you just I've been through alot and hoped we would have that close mother daughter bond but it just seems to be me putting in the effort with my parents and nothing in return.

I know my mum had issues during her own childhood with her parents so i assume she just can't give that affection but im at the end if my tether always apologising just to keep the peace x

I have a difficult relationship with my parents and I’ve just come to the realisation during this pregnancy that they aren’t going to be the parents I need them to be this sounds like it will be the case with you as well.

Have you considered or had any counselling

This doesnt sound healthy at all. If you decide to work on this relationship id firm up the boundaries. They sound like real hard work

I am nc with dm after bullying me and trying to parent my dc!
Best decision I ever made.
One to consider op.

I have suffered with anxiety issues froma very young age so have had counselling from them as had a unhealthy relationship with food from about 8 years old due to being called thunder thighs etc i laugh about it now thinking if i was old enough i would have just brushed the comments of but im always made to feel like it's my fault i wasn't good enough etc my dad told me for the first time last week he had no connection with me since he wasn't there for first 5 years so couldn't take to me i think thats why i was treated so different to his other kid's but now im older i just dont have the energy for the games any more I've invested to much of my life already x

Snowwontbelong i have seriously thought about this the thing is i love her so much it hurts to know it isn't returned also I'm thinking if i would ever regret it down the line and my children not having grandparents.

but then i get angry thinking if they just stopped with there controlling behaviour it would be fine but it never happens... it literally feels like im dangling by a bit of string waiting on any kind of affection its not healthy for anyone i see this.

Just scared to make a mistake and destroy a potential relationship between them and my kids as when there nice there really nice :/ just so confusing xxx

I know it’s hard because of the fear, obligation and guilt but you have nothing to feel bad for. You have done nothing wrong.

It’s their behaviour that’s caused you to break away. You’ve tried your best.

I’d recommend looking at the stately homes threads on the relationships board of you haven’t already. Lots of people in a similar boat with toxic parents

I absolutely second the previous poster who mentioned the stately homes thread... take a look. And please consider some kind of therapy to work this out in your head. I'm sorry that your parents can't be what you need them to be and have passed their own trauma on to you.

I absolutely know how this feels and I personally made the decision to cut off my father completely after years of dangling on a string waiting for him to change. It's not healthy for you or your children - I'm expecting my first baby now and I'd rather he was surrounded by people who love and support the whole family and not toxic, distant grandparents. Yes I've struggled with guilt and grief but I am finally free and I've never been healthier and happier.
At least try to put some firm boundaries in place and challenge this behaviour, hard as that may be. You do not have to put up with this and you deserve better. Best of luck to you, be strong now for your kids.

Thank you so much im going to look at that thread now I've not spoken to my mum for the past week and it is peaceful but strange at the same time she hasn't tried to make contact so i think I'll just do the same this time instead of apologising maybe she might get it that I've had enough and if not her loss at the end of the day ... thank you everyone for your support xx