Family making things difficult

[Sugarpea2017]

I am 30 wks and already feeling anxious about the birth of my first child after discovering i have placenta previa which doesnt look to be moving. We have another two scans booked in the coming weeks and hoping things change.

The main concern is that my DH and i are due to visit my family over Christmas, however each time we visit my family i get upset and end up crying in private due to the behaviour of my father and brother. I also feel uncomfortable for my husband who must feel caught in the middle of it all.

My brother and father have always been quite argumentative, questioning my judgement over decisions and opinions i have.

The most recent incident occurred when my DH and i visited them for a weekend. I expressed concern to my mother about postpartum bleeding which i know can be a normal part of the birth process and how my body will recover. My brother, who was present at the time of the discussion decided to jump in and say "nah as long as you do your pelvic floor exercises, you'll be ok" before adding "i've got lots of female friends with children who never bled after birth". I didnt find this reassurring and I tried to tell him that pelvic floor exercises are for incontinence and aid in pelvic muscle after birth, to be met with disagreement from him, so didnt respond to his remark because i didnt want an argument to ensue over a discussion that wasnt aimed at him. If i were to tell him, that this discussion wasnt concerning him, it would give him a reason to argue over that.

I should mention at this point that my brother isnt married or has any children himself, but is close with women who have had children.

My brother has also joked that he looks forward to taking our DD out when she gets a bit older so he can load her with sugar and hand her back to us all hyperactive. I know its a bit of lighthearted banter but equally, in knowing what he is like, i'm a bit concerned he will undermine mine and my DH's parenting decisions when it comes to treats and other things as we want her to have a healthy diet and have treats and sugar sparingly.

My father has also challenged my decisions, making me feel that my way of parenting will be wrong.

Recently when discussing technology and children, i have said that i dont want to give my child a phone or tablet too young as i feel it can interfere with their basic social skills. This was contested by my father and brother who were present at the time and argued that i "cant stop her wanting one when she goes to school when all her friends have one". This i can see and understand, but because they continued their opinions for some time after i stopped talking, made me feel as if my decision not to give my child technology too young was wrong.

I went into another room with my DH and burst into tears as i was left feeling as if i will be an awful parent for not giving a phone or tablet to my child at too young an age.

These arguments and behaviour from my brother and father are not uncommon, which is why i am beginning to dred visiting them each time, particularly the closer i get to the birth of my DD.

I know it takes more than one person to argue which is why i dont respond when i realise it has turned into an arguement, however it doesnt seem to stop them turning other discussions into arguements later.

My mother is very gentle and hates confrontation, so doesnt get involved in these issues which i can appreciate, however it would be nice if she could support me a bit more, woman to woman when my father and brother decide to turn things i say into an argument.

Up until now i have always just gotten on with things if disagreements arise, but now my DH and i are expecting our first child I am concerned and anxious that things will not change between us.

I dont want my DD to witness this behaviour by my father and brother towards me as she grows up, espcially if mine and my DH's parenting decisions are underminded by them.

I dont want to cause a rift in the family, but because my father and brother have always been this way, i can see myself limiting my time with them which is not fair on my DD as she needs a relationship with her grandfather and uncle.

I hope i can get some support and advice from other fellow mum's.

Thank you x

Don't worry about it too much and don't let them upset you , at the end of the day you will be the parent and you make the decisions ! I don't let my in laws look after my son as they are constantly determined to make him eat crap (he's 9 months old) they like to say as soon as they have him to themselves he can have some chocolate , therefore they are never alone with him ! When baby is here don't be scared to put people in their place if they undermine you x

Honestly you're getting wayyyy ahead of yourself and ascribing too much importance to those fairly routine family wrangles. You haven't even had your baby yet, you really have no idea how you'll parent when said baby is 5 years old, and chances are it'll be distinctly less ideal than you currently imagine. Everyone has an opinion about your parenting, that won't stop ever. You need a skin thick enough to shrug it off, and more importantly don't give people the opportunity by talking about how my child will blah blah blah.

Your brother's just wrong about the lochia, but so what? Let him be wrong. Smile and say "sure, bro, whatever". Not your problem. It doesn't sound like a lot of these are that aggressive, so just don't engage. If they are getting aggressive, you need to be able to tell them to stop, or get your DH to tell them.

Grandparents and Aunts/Uncles are important family members but in the end if they day you and your DH will be in charge of your D.C.

It won’t matter what they say, the power lies with you.

I wouldn’t bother arguing with them, honestly their opinion isn’t important.

As parent you hold all the power. It sounds harsh but it’s a simple equation- family members who don’t follow your rules will not have unsupervised time with your child.

You don’t actually need to state that ^^ you just need to enforce it when the time comes.

Our parents PILs and siblings are important to my D.C. but no one is in the least confused about who is in charge.

Ignore them.
Don’t tell them your parenting intentions- they don’t need to know yet.
Remember who is in charge.

Personally wouldn't have been discussing the activities of my fanjo with my relatives.
Stay home for Christmas.

You’re pregnant so I completely understand but you are being a little bit over-sensitive. Other people have different opinions (or are just completely wrong ie. about bleeding in the case of your brother) and you just have to humour them and move on. Parenting is a massive uphill struggle and everyone just muddles along doing their best. It’s best not to get too bogged down in what are minor and insignificant details, especially before the baby is even born.

We don’t have a TV for example. My grandmother (amongst many other strong and/or odd opinions) can’t understand how I can possibly raise a child in a home without a TV, how will he be entertained?! A simple ‘we’ll see how we feel once he’s a bit bigger’ and a subject change is completely sufficient. You can’t take these things as a personal attack, people just love to give their views.

Stay at home at Christmas and have a quiet restful one. In terms of the parenting “advice” just ignore it. You have time to train them once the baby is here and if they don’t follow your lead by the time baby is old enough to be spending proper time with them then deal with it then. This isn’t something to worry about now. You have to focus on your physical and mental health and the birth first.

In the nicest possible way, I suggest that you grow a thicker skin and learn to smile and nod.

Just about everyone will have advice and an opinion on your choices as a parent, how you parent, giving birth etc. It'll be friends, family and randomers on the street. Just learn to tune it out and smile and nod. If you take it all to heart you'll end up constantly upset.

Also, post-partum bleeding is inevitable, it isn't a sometimes thing, it's an every time thing. Some have it heavier than others, but everyone has it.

I would just smile and nod and say “okay” - when your baby has arrived, if they actually do things you’re not comfortable with around your child you just won’t let them spend very much time there. It’s their choice.... but I would say people often have a lot to say at this stage.... but once the baby is here they will love her unconditionally and will probably be wonderful to her. People just chat rubbish.

And look at it this way, even though your brother is totally wrong, at least he is trying to engage in pregnancy discussions! Albeit in an annoying way!

Until your father and brother grow female reproductive organs and produce and birth a child I would not take any heed of their opinions or suggestions.
This is your baby and this should be an exciting time for you.
Try not to worry about it because ultimately you're the one who is going to have all the say in your child's upbringing and development, not them.
I am 38 weeks pregnant and have a very opinionated father. I used to get upset like you but in all honesty I realise now I just block the droning sound of his opinion out and do as I please.

I can't believe your brother tried to mansplain postpartum bleeding to women and no one corrected the twat!

Why do you keep discussing any of this stuff with them in the first place? You know you are never going to get support or encouragement from them? I would try to have a chat with your mum privately about how you all interact and how seeing as you're about to become a mum yourself you don't want to be constantly undermined.
Don't worry about over thinking the future for baby just tackle each decision as it comes. If your brother and dad do not respect your boundaries or instructions for interacting with baby then you can decide if they will have access again.

And yes there is post partum bleeding it's perfectly normal!