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Original poster

AIBU? What would you do??

14 replies

ChristmasLights05 · 12/12/2018 23:29

Sooo I'm asking for opinions. Im warning it is possibly triggering so you may want to stop reading!

So I had a bf a couple months ago, extremely clingy and I couldn't see a friend without him being there, basically moved himself in and I felt too rude to ask him to leave.
We were ok for a while and one night he wouldn't stop attempting to have sex with me until I eventually gave in and just let it happen.(this was the night I got pregnant due to working out the dates)
It annoyed me a lot, so we didn't have sex for about a week and he made sly comments about it. Then one night I was asleep and I woke up to him touching me. I told him NO and faced the other way, I was so pissed off with him but managed to fall back asleep. Probably an hour later I wake up to him almost having sex with me while I was still facing away to the wall Sad

That day I was so confused and upset. (He's also been accused of rape before by his ex) I went to work to think things through and kicked him out. Told him I feel sick with what he had done and it was over. Fast forward a couple weeks I find out I'm pregnant!

I was so shocked so I told him and he wants to be involved. (He also has a baby who is almost due and the mother doesn't want him involved) I've tried putting it behind me even though I feel so sick about the whole thing. I said he can be involved but I don't want him at the birth due to me feeling uncomfortable with him seeing me like that.

He's saying he can't afford the baby, won't turn down plans to come to my appointment etc.

He's done so many things recently that stresses me out all the time but I won't mention as I will try make this post short as possible Hmm I can't stand him! Everything he does winds me upAngry

It would be so much easier to cut him off because the things he has done but I feel like it isn't fair on my baby. I don't want the baby to grow up without knowing the dad.

Am I over reacting? what would you do if you were in my shoes?

OP posts:
Squiff70 · 12/12/2018 23:49

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position, I honestly know how it feels having been in a similar situation myself.

Do YOU want this baby? Would you go it alone if you take this sleazeball out of the equation?

PositivelyPERF · 12/12/2018 23:53

Think about it. If you do decide to keep the pregnancy, do you really think having an abuser in this child’s life will be beneficial to it? If it’s a boy he will try to train it to be like him and if it’s a girl it will be trained to accept an abusive relationship in adulthood.

Original poster
ChristmasLights05 · 13/12/2018 05:31

@Squiff70 I'm so sorry to hear that! It sucks. I hope life has treated you better since. I definitely want to keep the baby, my 3yo will be so excited and I'm 15 weeks now! I just don't want to feel guilty in years to come when the child asks about their dad.

@PositivelyPERF what you said is so true, I haven't thought of it like that!! With the way he acts I 100% don't want that behaviour seen acceptable from any of my children Grin

OP posts:
WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 13/12/2018 05:33

I would have a termination. I could not have a baby in those circumstances.

TheRedFox · 13/12/2018 08:18

Sorry to hear that you're going through this ChristmasLights05.

Just consider the fact that whether or not he is involved in the child's life (and therefore your life) is not necessarily your call.

If when baby is born you don't agree to him being involved he could make an application to the court for a Child Arrangements Order and that decision would then be made by a judge.

I thought I'd mention this as many parents are unaware of this possible outcome.

PotteringAlong · 13/12/2018 08:20

Did his ex go to the police? The police would be my port of call here.

TheRedFox · 13/12/2018 08:27

I agree with @PotteringAlong

What you're describing here - non consensual sex - is rape. You also say that his ex has said the same.

I would definitely report this to the Police.

gimmeadoughnut123 · 13/12/2018 08:34

You are not being unreasonable and don't for one second think otherwise. It was non consensual and therefore rape. I would not be letting him anywhere near me or the baby, ever again, and would also be going to the police. He has done this before, done it to you, and won't hesitate to do it again.
That is if you want to have the baby of course.

Original poster
ChristmasLights05 · 13/12/2018 12:00

@PotteringAlong I don't think his ex reported it unfortunately but a lot of people knew what she had said.

I definitely want to keep the baby. Luckily I have messages saved of him describing what he done to me so I have that to back me up if I report him. It was 100% non consensual but when I told a few people they said they love being woken up to that sort of thing so I had a massive feeling I was over reacting and being quite harsh.

@TheRedFox I'm going to try my best to avoid him, if he wants to go to court when the baby is born to get access then he can. Hopefully he won't have a strong leg to stand on.

Thank you!!Smile

OP posts:
newrubylane · 13/12/2018 13:17

Given that he has already told you he "can't afford the baby, won't turn down plans to come to my appointment etc." I wouldn't be so sure that he's actually going to be all that involved anyway. I suspect that he'll become increasingly flaky - perfectly good grounds for you to refuse access then. And I doubt he would try to legally force access, because I assume that he'd also have to pay maintenance as part of that agreement - and that sounds unlikely! If I were you I'd start keeping a careful record of all your interactions with him for future reference and see how it goes.

TheRedFox · 13/12/2018 13:43

No - there is no connection between paying child maintenance and spending time with a child. Not from the court's point of view anyway.

FoxgloveStar · 13/12/2018 17:05

Some people do like waking up to that kind of thing - these are people who consented to it! Which you did not.

Nixen · 13/12/2018 17:07

He’s a rapist. I would phone the police and have a termination.

Gobletoffire · 13/12/2018 17:20

If you are continuing with the pregnancy then I would 100% cut him out of your child’s life for the benefit of you both. I would also DEFINITELY report this to the police. It is rape. Yes he could apply to the courts later down the line to have access to your child, but from how you’ve described him it doesn’t sound like he would go to that effort and if he ends up with a criminal record then that certainly won’t do him any favours in the eyes of the court! Ignore those saying ‘have a termination’ - you’ve already said you want to continue with the pregnancy, that’s entirely your choice, and you are strong enough to do this alone! X

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