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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

how does partner cope durning labour?

55 replies

katie23913 · 08/12/2018 20:16

I’m 32 weeks and this is our first baby. I am unsure how my partner will be during the birth. He has told me he is nervous about being baby home as he has never been around babies so it’s all completely new to him. I have a niece and 2 nephews so I have a little experience with babies. He hasn’t admitted it but I think he is also nervous about the birth and how he can help me. How was everybody else’s partners at the birth the first time? I have this feeling he is going to pass out haha

OP posts:

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HerSymphonyAndSong · 08/12/2018 21:38

Hopefully he will be proactive about finding out what you might need from him during labour, and about how to care for a new baby, rather than relying on you to find all this out for him?

mycatistoo · 08/12/2018 21:39

I was pushing an enormous thing out of my vagina with not so much as paracetamol so I quite frankly couldn't ha e given a fuck if his head had been chopped off.

As he's a decent husband, father and human he was actually very helpful to ME (the one who's bladder came out of their body and nearly died) and didn't make it all about him so all was good.

Caprisunorange · 08/12/2018 21:41

Op that poster didn’t call your partner a nob. They said they would be a nob if they were making you think about their needs in labour

To be honest I think it would be helpful for men if they were a little bit more prepared for how “unimportant” they are in labour. As I said my DH was really taken back by it- I think he’s been led to believe that it was a joint experience (bloody NCT!) and hadn’t appreciated that I was the patient and that’s pretty much the only person the medical staff care about

mycatistoo · 08/12/2018 21:46

My midwife had told my Dh his role there was to support me. She explained to him beforehand just what pain and headfuckery I'd go through.

Really, it's the one fucking time it's not about the men at all. A large amount of women hit the wall and think they'll die/can't do it. Most men will never experience that. I couldn't give two shits if they're finding 'coping' hard when my whole life is getting ripped apart and turning upside down.

mycatistoo · 08/12/2018 21:47

For good and bad obviously.

Hawkmoth · 08/12/2018 21:47

I think your fella should learn enough about what happens, what could go wrong and potential interventions to not be completely freaked out if it does happen.

Also the importance of providing food and water and knowing when to touch/Not touch you. He should also be prepared for you telling him to fuck off in the heat of the moment because really, you are concentrating quite hard. On the other hand, he might need the skills to pull you out of a panic with stern words and reassurance.

It's not an easy job to do well and it's a mixture of care, advocating for you, flexibility and being able to step completely away if needed.

My DH did a lot of talking for me but I labour quickly so never really got involved in much care for me apart from water "WITH A FUCKING STRAW". He has caught two of them though, and delivered my last because there was nobody else there. I don't think he would have believed he could do that in a million years but he did and was very calm. Which is good because I was terrified because it all happened so fast.

Bluebelltulip · 08/12/2018 22:21

I do think that some people are being overly harsh. Yes the woman is most definitely the patient and all attention and needs are about them/baby. That does not mean that the man cannot have concerns about seeing the person he loves most go through a very painful and dangerous process. Talking about these concerns was important to us as it was better being discussed then than if those events happened.

Bigonesmallone3 · 08/12/2018 22:30

My partner came in to his own on our first birth, he was amazing and then I realised how much I love him and how much he loves me...

SarahET · 09/12/2018 07:53

I'm sure he'll be fine, totally normal for both of you to be nervous, I'd be surprised if he wasn't. My husband was a real comfort for me and he can sometimes be a bit of a panicker

SoyDora · 09/12/2018 08:00

My friend’s DH asked for a couple of paracetamol while she was pushing, as he had a headache...

SayNoToCarrots · 09/12/2018 08:08

Mine was fine. He was a bit annoying as he kept supportively repeating what the midwives were saying.

SoyDora · 09/12/2018 08:12

Mine was fab, he kept his mouth shut and didn’t talk to me at all which was exactly what i wanted . Although I did yell at him when I spied him eating the Jaffa cakes I’d packed in my hospital bag (it was a long day!)

SoyDora · 09/12/2018 08:12

He also didn’t touch me, as it would have made me murderous I think...

Caprisunorange · 09/12/2018 08:14

Mine was lovely but kept touching me even though I kept telling him not to, as soon as the next contraction started he’d rub my back and I’d be thinking as soon as this contraction ends I am going to murder him. Instead I would say nicely please don’t rub my back next time and he’d nod and say sorry and then do it again. OMG 😭

MilkItTilITurnItIntoCheese · 09/12/2018 08:24

I'm actually with OP on this. I don't think she's asking how she will manage his needs on the day. Just being concerned how he will cope with seei G her in pain, perhaps for a long time, and the feeling of helplessness he may have about that. Clearly when the time comes she will have other things on her mind and he will cope. But really did none of you have a conversation with your husbands/partners after the birth? My dh was offered the same support I was after our very traumatic 3rd birth.

Caprisunorange · 09/12/2018 08:25

The best advice we had is discuss what you are going to do on the car journey. Tell your partner if you need him to turn off KISS FM and put on radio 3 🤣 tell him whether you want him to be quiet and drive (I chose this option!)

Caprisunorange · 09/12/2018 08:25

(That’s the car journey to hospital )

FrazzyAndFrumpled · 09/12/2018 08:27

That does not mean that the man cannot have concerns about seeing the person he loves most go through a very painful and dangerous process.

I agree. My DP has said he found the whole (quite traumatic) event very scary. However, he was brilliant and without him there, I’m convinced I would have had to have a crash CS under GA. I did have to tell him to leave and get some lunch though, whilst I was on the epidural just laying there doing nothing, as he hadn’t eaten for ages - he didn’t want to leave me, but I told him that I needed him to be fully functioning when it all kicked off again! He was

FrazzyAndFrumpled · 09/12/2018 08:29

Also, OhTheRoses, that’s awful! Thank God for your DH

Steelesauce · 09/12/2018 08:38

Mine didn't bat an eyelid my first 2 births. 3rd he was extra good during the labour (probably just got used to it ) but after when I had a huge PPH and was rushed off to theatre without a word to him he held strong until I was back safe then promptly vomited in shock. No midwives told him what was happening for over an hour while I was in theatre! I'd just gently remind your midwife to keep him informed as he's nervous.

TickleMeEmo · 09/12/2018 08:40

I was worried about how DH would be as he is very squeamish normally, but he turned out to be such a great support and advocated for my choices when I was unable to (very complicated labour).

Canders · 09/12/2018 09:40

Come on people, this lady came on here asking for your experiences and advise... first time baby and obviously not knowing what to expect. She never said he OH was making it about him just that he was a bit anxious if anything. I think I would get snappy if someone called my husband a nob so give the girl a break!

With that aside, my husband doesn't really show anxiety but I know he would have felt it. Just like us women somehow find a way to manage and cope during labour, im sure your fella will to. It's amazing what we can all do when it comes down to the important stuff.

My husband was an absolute rock. Supportive, caring and was always there putting my needs first. Yes, at the time I didn't think too much about how he was feeling but I know what it's like to have it in the back of your mind in the run up.

FirstTimeBumps · 09/12/2018 10:49

Having had a few arguments throughout the pregnancy about me feeling my OH wasn't involved he has (since attending hypnobirth classes) become brilliant and i feel it would be really harsh to completely forget the fact that you are bringing not just your, but his child, into this world. Having demanded pretty much he act more like a dad to be, it would be a bit mean to just ignore him through the entire process however saying that you should remember that at the time, your focus will likely be elsewhere for obvious reasons. To make my OH feel more included I talked through the birth plan, included him where he wanted to be included (cord clamping, him finding out babies gender) and noted on each if he wants to, knowing full well he can be squeamish as I didn't want him to feel pressured into something that might make him pass out and these are the things which are important to him, for him to feel involved. He also knows he has the important job of ensuring if all goes to pot, that the baby still benefits from delayed cord clamping. Some people might say I was trying to hard to make him happy during the birth, but this is what birth plans are brilliant for, you aim for the best possible birth for both mum and baby, and if you can include dad in it, and his needs then great. And if it all goes to pot then so be it, it goes to pot for everyone. Maybe giving his things and tasks, other than just "supporting you" will give him more of a focus.

Good luck with your birth, to you, your baby and also your partner xx

SoyDora · 09/12/2018 12:36

It’s not about forgetting that it’s also his child being brought into the world. The fact is that you are the one giving birth. You are the one who is going through the severe trauma to your body. While that it happening, the focus is (quite rightly) on you. I did not have the mental or physical energy to worry about my DH either time that I was pushing a baby out of my body, and he didn’t want or expect it either.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 09/12/2018 12:53

The thing I’m always troubled by with these things is that there are clearly lots of anxious men but few seem to proactively seek out information and talk to their partner about it. Rather than clam up and stew about it my husband read books and asked me what I wanted

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