Telling friends with fertility problems

[GabbyGal]

I have two friends who have been struggling to conceive for a couple of years, one is a work colleague who is undergoing fertility treatment and is very open about it, the other is a close friend of many years who always dismisses any baby talk but her husband told my partner 2.5 years ago that they’d been trying to conceive for a while and they still haven’t. I’m now pregnant and excited to tell people but absolutely dreading telling these two friends, not because I’m afraid of their reactions to me but because I really don’t want to hurt their feelings or seem like I’m rubbing it in their faces.

Anyone got any advice?

Try telling them via email - if you tell them in person, they have to come up with a reaction there and then, but if it’s an email, they don’t have to show you their first reaction, which can be a lot easier! I know that I’ve appreciated being told by email, and I’ve only phoned the friends who I know have finished their families - two of the others have one baby each and I’d expect them to want two, and I have no idea how they feel about that; and another friend I would have expected to have had a baby by now, so I reckon she’s probably struggling. These are definitely email friends!

I've been on the other side where friends and family have all had children and we were struggling with infertility.

As awful as this sounds, I found it extremely difficult to seem happy when pregnancies were announced to me, especially when done face to face.

When my cousin told me about her third pregnancy (which was around the time I'd miscarried for a second time), she told me via FB messenger. I understand some many find this insensitive, but I found it easier to deal with and I dealt with my emotions in private, without upsetting her for telling me or making the situation uncomfortable for the both of us.

I therefore would recommend a gentle message telling them of your news.

(After 7 years of trying, I now have 1 DD and another on the way btw)

My only advice would be not to tell them in person. Give them the chance to react and process it without you being there and without them having to try to react in a certain way. I think it's kinder.

This thread pops up on the infertility a fair bit.

Go for a text or email. Definitely no scan picture.

You're a kind person to consider their feelings.. as per PP, a text or email may be best.. try and send when you know they will be at home.
They will be sad for themselves but also happy for you.
I sobbed for 2 days when my friend told me she was pregnant last year! I was absolutely happy for her, but it made me desperately sad that it will never be me.

Echoing PP - message in advance to give a heads up.

Under no circumstances send a scan picture. They too often have very painful connotations.

Thanks all for the insight and helpful suggestions, really appreciate it x

You sound very considerate.
Please also don’t say anything like “I was worried about telling you”.. I had someone say this and it made me feel crap. I was happy for them but sad for me as it was a stark reminder that I didn’t yet have my baby.
When my ivf was successful, I texted a friend in a similar boat to literally just say that we were expecting twins the following year.. nothing related to her situation. Xx

Definitely a message or an email as opposed to a face to face announcement.

I’m 14+4 now but back in June we suffered a devastating MMC at 10+3 weeks which I had to undergo surgery for. It was my 2nd consecutive MC (3MC+1chemical) and I took it really badly.

In the couple of weeks after there were around 10 pregnancy announcements on Facebook, all due within a week of our due date. Some of them were close friends and looking back i’m so pleased that I didn’t have to deal with that face to face. It felt like life was trying to rub it in my face a bit at the time and no one has announced that they’re pregnant since.

As someone who suffered unexplained infertility and mc, i was only too aware of how miraculous every successful pregnancy during that time so I was beyond thrilled for my friends but heartbroken and bitter for myself.

As others have said deliver the news by email so they can work through their own reactions and be aware and not offended if they find it difficult to communicate with you. I think is something you just have to weather -- remember that they would rather not feel this way.

Definitely a private message is easier. We TTC’d for nearly 3 years. Messages are easier because you can get upset privately and then send congratulations when you’re ready. I had a variety of announcements while we tried. The worst were the ‘Guess what?!’ Type messages. We are now struggling with secondary infertility too and I still had a friend (thoughtless rather than cruel) who rang to tell me she was pregnant, how easily it happened..not easy to hear.

I had a couple of friends who I knew had struggles and I messaged them first before we went public to tell them, with a message saying ‘I wanted you to hear from me first because I appreciate it may be difficult for you to hear’. I waited til I’d heard back before we told other people/announced on social media, gave them time to hide me if they wanted to!

I think the fact that you’re aware and sensitive means you’ll handle this well and they’ll appreciate it OP

Thanks ladies. I have no doubt that they’ll be happy for me and I know that they would rather not feel sad just as I don’t want to make them feel sad.

Oh, you’re going to make them feel sad. But they have to find out one way or another, and giving them privacy and space is the kind way to do it