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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Midwife is rude

24 replies

Banwell32 · 06/12/2018 17:33

Hi all changed midwifes as mine has left went to my first appointment today and found her really rude like she was giving me dirty looks the whole time before I was pregnant I was a heavy cannabis’s user and j was hounest with them about this and they drug tested me which I agreed to knowing it would come back positive since then I just feel like everyone is rude to me every appointment I’ve been asked about it and I’ve told them to test me again as it will be clean but they won’t now 18w I’m also on the skinny side so cosulatant led and as soon as I got my arms out she asked if I was eating properly I’ve tired to do what’s best for the baby but everyone’s making me feel like the worst person in the word sorry needed a rant lol

OP posts:

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ChaosMoon · 06/12/2018 19:15

That's not ok. It's rude, but it's also really unprofessional. So sorry you're being treated like that.

Nixen · 06/12/2018 19:27

Quick question - how come you were 15 weeks pregnant on the 10th of November but are only 18 weeks pregnant now?

hamandpease · 06/12/2018 19:31

Nixen that's only a 5 day discrepancy.... it makes sense that the OP wouldn't be exact to the day surely?

cheesywotnots · 06/12/2018 19:33

Did she say anything rude or is it just a feeling you have

Bombardier25966 · 06/12/2018 19:34

What does a dirty look look like?

Are you eating properly?

You're not telling us anything that suggests she is rude. You're an ex drug user, that will result in some difficult questions.

ApplestheHare · 06/12/2018 19:35

Sorry to hear this. Perhaps have a chat with them next time and explain how you feel?

Tbh I had a midwife appointment today and also found the MW rude and unhelpful. There's no particular reason she might have acted like it towards me but I think they're just jaded because these appointments are routine for them. Makes you feel rubbish though when they feel like such a big deal to us.

SoyDora · 06/12/2018 19:38

Maybe she was 14+5 then and rounded up, and is 18+3 now and rounding down? She doesn’t have to give her gestation to the exact day.
Did she say anything rude, or was it just ‘dirty looks’ and you feeling like she was looking down on you?

TeaAndNoSympathy · 06/12/2018 19:41

What did she actually do that was rude?

CrabbyPatty · 06/12/2018 20:08

They shouldn't be judgemental, as they will have dealt with this a million times before. But they may need to ask difficult questions as PP said, in order to ensure your baby is safeguarded. And this may involve asking the same things again at different appointments. I think the Dr asking if you're eating properly if you're on the skinny side is a reasonable question. I'm not trying to minimise your experience, but perhaps you're feeling a bit sensitive. Being pregnant is quite an invasive experience. Maybe it would help if you told the practitioners working with you how you feel and hopefully they can reassure you it all routine.

Original poster

Banwell32 · 07/12/2018 18:23

It is just a feeling my partner said she was rude i also told her I had a early scan and she completely ignored me and dismissed me and I understand they have to ask but why don’t they just test me again I eat like a horse so yes it is offensive that at every appointment I’m being treated like I’m anerexic if I’m skinny or not I’ve always been this way and I’m actually 19 weeks today I said 18 weeks because I was 18 weeks yesterday due the 3rd of may I had a midwife before that was totally understanding just feel like I’m explaining myself all the time and I don’t even smoke fags anymore which they test me for everytime I go anyway

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Original poster

Banwell32 · 07/12/2018 18:34

This has all just a put me on edge I don’t want to go back there ever I’m thinking of moving doctors weather that seams dramatic to you or not and you can clearly tell when someone visably don’t like you weather she did anything wrong or not

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Spooples · 07/12/2018 18:44

You're overreacting massively. The midwife didn't seem to do or say anything unprofessional towards you. Their job is to make sure you and the baby are safe, not to be your friend. As an ex drug user who is visibly underweight, they need to ask some uncomfortable questions. Moving doctors is hugely overkill when, as you've even admitted yourself, it's just a "feeling" she doesn't like you. You seem mainly pissed off that they won't drugs test you again. Why? If they were hugely concerned they'd follow up on it. Do you literally just want to prove your not doing it anymore? Is it a pride thing? The reward for stopping should be preventing harming your baby, rather than getting a pat on the back from your midwife for being clean.

Original poster

Banwell32 · 07/12/2018 18:53

I’m going to be seeing her a lot trough out my pregnancy and weed has nothing to do with weight issues I want them to test me again so they know I’m not doing it as they keep asking me about it I know myself I’m not and am proud of myself I didn’t come here to get shit of strangers I just needed to rant and have no one to speak to as I no longer speak to any of my friends as they are out of control I didn’t come here to debate with anyone about how I feel I know how she was towards me just because I can’t explain exactly that don’t mean it’s not true

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Original poster

Banwell32 · 07/12/2018 18:58

I won’t be posting on here again for any advise all that seams to do is make me feel worse logging out my account now for good I’ve had it I don’t need judgment or petty comments from any of you thankyou for you opinions though

OP posts:

VictoryOrValhalla · 07/12/2018 18:58

Paranoia is a side effect of long term cannabis use.

Spooples · 07/12/2018 19:02

Get over yourself. You don't need to "prove" you're not doing it by passing a drugs test. They're asking you, you're telling them, and they're taking your answer as truth. They're going to keep asking you because you have a history. It's their job. It's not the NHSs responsibility for pay for drugs tests to prove something you're already telling them just so you feel better about yourself. And even if they did, and it comes back clean, they will still ask you every time because you have a history of drug use. It would be negligent for them to just ignore it.

Thesearmsofmine · 07/12/2018 19:04

Of course they are going to ask you about it at each appointment, it’s their job not to look out for the welfare of you and your baby.

Cherries101 · 07/12/2018 19:08

You’re a skinny ex-drug user. The fact is they will always suspect you’re doing harder drugs than cannibis. Follow their advice, be nice, but take notes on the things they say with a diary — that way if they do involve SS further down the line you have evidence.

FlyingCat · 07/12/2018 19:11

Congratulations and well done on staying off the fags. Its hard to do but so worth it.

Lots of things going on here.

Not all midwives have great bedside manner - if you don’t get on with one then agree you should just move on to another. Whether the midwife intended it or not she upset you and thats not a great basis for trust.

Next up you are going to get a higher level of questionning about all health issues through this pregnancy. Some of the staff will manage to do this without causing offense (hopefully most) but remember all of them will have your, and your baby’s, best interests in mind. As far as possible you are going to need to suck it up. This of course made harder by pregnancy hormones. Sorry - hugs.

Finally, remember that being underweight is a health marker that often goes with drug habits and also with other social problems. They will be worried about this. And people who have problems with either undereating or drug use often lie about it.
As long as you are sure you don’t have an eating problem, Again, all you need to do is continue to look after your self, and smile and confirm you are doing so to any hcps you come accross.

Good luck and before you know it your baby will be here. Wishing you all the sttength in the world.

Original poster

Banwell32 · 07/12/2018 20:08

Thankyou there is a better way to get your point across than being rude ? I’m off here now for good but thankyou to everyone that’s gave me helpful advise feel a lot better now and will be changing midwifes as I will see a lot of her and need to feel comfortable and i do understand about my drug use I’ll try to take it all in my stride from now on as that’s all I can do

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Original poster

Banwell32 · 07/12/2018 20:10

Thankyou a lot your message has been really helpful and made me calm down! Everything heightened atm and the way you have put it is understandable :)

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Stickmanslittleleaf · 07/12/2018 21:04

They're asking you because you have given up and if you've relapsed they'll point you in the direction of the relevant services. I smoked and drank a fair bit before both my pregnancies, with my first they took it at face value that I'd stopped smoking but with my second the midwife asked to do a breath test immediately after me telling her my units/ cigarettes per day. She literally phrased it as 'well we'll see, I have this test!'... I blew clear (for Carbon Monoxide) and she said 'Oh!' Like she was surprised. I was slightly annoyed but I just smiled and nodded, it's there to help us really. They asked me about smoking every time I had an appt because I was flagged as a smoker and they were checking I didn't need additional support, not being dickish about it. It sounds like you've done well to give up, keep it up but if you do need support tell them!

Grannyannex · 07/12/2018 21:13

Change surgeries if you like. At the end of the day you know you’re doing the right thing for your baby and who cares two hoots about other peoples preconceived ideas

CrabbyPatty · 07/12/2018 21:21

Well put @Flyingcat- I was trying to be sensitive too but you put it better than me. If OP's still reading I wish you well and perhaps it's right that you change your midwife to one who will hopefully explain things better. Xx

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