what to do about having more children

[threeangels]

I hope you all can give me some advice on this. My dh and I had our 3rd child almost 2 yrs ago. I decided I did not want more in the future (for sure) and I wanted my dh to get fixed because I did not want to when I was in the hospital at that time. To many emotions I guess. Up until a month ago I still did not want more. Im not totally sure now and Im quite confused. Im always telling myself I cant handle more kids and that I want to travel and not start over again but then at times a little part of me ( and I mean just a little) might want one down the road. But then I bounce back to reality and tell myself theres no way I want anymore. I dont know what to do. Do you all think this is normal to have a little part of you still possibly wanting another but then not wanting another at the same time. My dh should probally just get the operation because most of me does not want to add to my family. What should I do?

Do not go ahead with the operation unless you are 100% sure which you may well be in a few months time. Look at sterilisation as non-reversable.

Totally agree with you sobernow. I have been sterilised because I have a major antibody problem and a future pregnancy would have meant exchange transfusions in the womb and that would have been too traumatic considering I have 4 children.
I would have loved to have had more babies but had to put my sensible head on
I am now 41 and will naturally lose my fertility soon anyway. My dh will be fertile for the rest of his life and that is the way I think it should stay. Something may happen to me and who knows what the future might hold.

Mears, Do you mean in a few months I may want him to have it done or not want him too. Or do you mean I may want more kids for sure in a few months. My mind is not working to well.

Sorry for not being clear - what I mean is that your dh should not be sterilised unless you are 100% sure you do not want any other children - in reality that may take longer than a few months.

sobernow - how very thoughtful you are, and no you aren't being morbid, just realistic. My DH has fathered his 2nd family in his 50s (our latest just born in April this year). You never know what the future holds. Not that I am suggesting anything will go wrong with you of course!

threeangels - I'd not put pressure on yourself to make any kind of decision at the moment. And definately no operation unless you are absolutely sure.

I had always wanted three children until my ds was a terrible two. Then I decided that I couldn't go thru it again, but my (at the time!) dh refused to have the op and yep the contraception failed, enter ds no 2!. I love him to bits but he put a strain on our relationship and it has never recovered. If you are sure go for it as an unplanned child can really be make or break time.

MaryZ, My husband ask me if I wanted to have the surgery in the hospital with my 3rd child. At that time we decided not to have anymore. I did tell him I was nervous about getting it done just having a baby. I didnt want to worry about that at the time. I ask my dh if he would want to have it done in the future and he said that was fine either way but we had to get the money together first since our medical doesnt pay for it. We had not gotten the money so we just forgot about it for a while. He is a pretty giving person and said if I would feel better if he had it done then he doesnt mind. I just hate the fact of staying on the pill for the next 10-15 years or so if I end up deciding to not have more children. I dont really want to have it done myself for no reason other then just too nervous. I would rather not be on the pill for the next 10-15 yrs or so. I hate using all those kinds of protections even more. I guess my dh and I will have to talk some more on this subject. You guys have given me some good advice to think about. Thanks

Sorry, I repeated myself. Its 10:15 and Im half asleep and ready for bed.

I think that maybe any one who loves children enough to have 3 (I'm pg with no 3 myself) is likley to always have a soft spot for a tiny baby. They grow up so quickly and suddenly you have toddlers instead of babies and thats when my pangs started. I'm not sure I'll ever be brave enough to go for no. 4 but I'm pretty sure that at some point I'll miss having a tiny baby and a small part of my will crave another.

As long as you can cope with taking the precautions, if you are not totally sure then I'd wait. I suspect that if you feel like this now, then after the op, just knowing you can't will make it hard, even if you don't want to.

I agree with the other comments that sterilisation must be seen as the 'final' decision and the one having the 'op' should have the last word.

My DH would like another child (I absolutely do not) and is honest enough to say that, should anything happen to me or our marriage, he would hope to have another child in a new relationship -this doesn't offend me at all (I don't think he's planning on leaving ...........) I really value & respect his honesty so I am the one seriously thinking about sterilisation.

How about looking into foster care opportunities, I don't know if it is the same in the USA but over here there's a chronic shortage of good foster homes?

I told my dh that 3 children is enough for us and he said its all up to you. I hate the fact that having an op does take something so special away and most of the time you cant go back. My problem is I dont feel that I want any more children now and I know I dont want anymore later because my other 2 older ones are growing up. So I sometimes feel I should just have the op done and settle and be happy with my 3 I have. I guess I sometimes think the feeling of having another baby will always be a reaccuring thing and if I have babies everytime I feel this way I'll end up with more then I can handle. Those feelings you know can be so overpowering. Thats why I had my 3rd even after I swore I didnt want more. This is such a stressful thing in life. Thanks for your comments.

When I had my two sons I thought my family was complete - and yet when all our friends husbands were having the op my husband refused - for no specific reason other that he just would not have it done. We could never have dreamt that one of our boys would die and we would go one to have another baby years later - and yet somehow it is almost as if we knew we could not make that final decision 'just in case'. Although our latest addition can never replace his brother he has certainly made our family more complete and we could not imagine how we would have survived without him. So I guess what i am saying is trust your instincts - if there is still that nagging doubt at the back of your mind listen to it and not the sensible reasoning that drowns it out.

Srry, I'm getting desperate for words of comfort, so I've c&p'd from the original thread to this one . Warning - this is VERY long I've already got 2 children, and we've decided to have no. 3. I insigated the whole thing, and really felt clucky, I've made the appointment to have my mirena coil removed, I was really excited, but now I'm so so so confused.
I always thought I wanted more than 2 (probably 4) and still felt that way after no. 1. But with no.2, I found it really difficult. I don't really feel gooey over little babies, and didn't enjoy the baby stage at all with poor no 2. Every day I was wishing his life away thinking, it'll be great when he can sit up/crawl/walk/feed himself etc.

Also, just getting out & about was so difficult (My 2 are v. close together.)

Things seem so much easier now - ds 2 is nearly 2 & they get on so very well.

So I'm really confused. On the one hand I want another - my 2 have such different personalities & are so funny. I wonder what a 3rd personality would be like. I think it'd be fun for the boys to have another sibling. I think I'd be a better mummy 3rd time round (but then I might not be?)

On the other hand, I'm worried about coping with another, how I'd be able go do the shopping etc with 3 little ones ( I wanted the 3rd reasonable close in age to the others, plus I'm worried about my age to leave it too long, especially if we did decide to go for a 4th). I'm worried that socially I'd be written off - I hardly have any friends as it is, all have kids, but most only one & they seem to be put off as it is by my double act.

I'm also having irrational fears that I've 'struck lucky' twice, so fear the odds are building about having a child with physical or mental disorder. I'm so sorry, I don't wish to hurt or upset anyone, and I'm sure I didn't put that well, but do you know what I mean? i couldn't ever consider an abortion, but I have 2 small children and no help at all, apart from dh occasionally. (He is great)

I am all confused about what to do. I'm obsessing about it night & day. Plus I could have the coil removed & not get pg for ages, or could conceive straight away, as Alexsmum i think said. i've read the thread about having 3 & I think asked about this there, and it all sounds so positive, but I'm really confused. Dh, just says he'll go along with whatever I want, sweet but not to helpful, in that the onus is fully on me.

Sorry for rambling so much. How does anyone resolve such a confusing question. I have a coule of weeks before my doctors appointment!

Monkey its hard to advice because really you seem to have thought of most of the issues pros and cons. All I can say is don't rush it - if you haven't decided in two weeks postpone your appt. Don't set yourself this artificial deadline.

I agree with Bozza. Also I understand how scary it is to feel having more children you may be the one with a child who is handicap. Just remember most babies are fine when born. I know so many people at church who have anywhere from 1-8 children and their all healthy. Just do the best you can in taking care of yourself and your baby if you decide to have one. Thats all you can do. And if you pray, then pray to God to give you a wonderful healthy baby. I was scared the same way you are with all 3 of mine and now I may be pregnant with 4 (not sure yet) and I'm nervous too about something going wrong. Its normal. In my exp things only got better after each kid because they were getting older and a lot more independent. My are probally older though, 13,10,23mo. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Thanks you 2. The thing with the dead line is, of course I can change it, but at least it would put me out of my misery iykwim. I'm thnking about this issue day & night, so If I took action one way or the other - cancelling altogether or having the coil removed then at least there'll be some sort of 'closure' (as the americans say!) (only joking, 3angels).

I'm just so confused that I have any doubts - with the other 2 I didn't have any. Maybe it's becasue I've waited too long!

I obviously don't want anyone to make the decision for me, I just need to find a way to sift through & deal with all the doubts. It's not like choosing a holiday destination & writing out a list of pros & cons, is it?

Thanks so much for all your help. You're a real life line!

Hi again Monkey. When I had my 2nd child for the next 7 years afterwards I told my dh I didnt want anymore childre. Then when I was approaching the 7th yr I started to slowly think the opposite. Not all at once but gradually. I had thoughts like, do I want to start all over again? Do i really want the added expense of 3 (which I dont find too much of a difference at this time). I'm sure that will change. I kept asking myself do I want to go through pregnancy all over again? I kept going over and over these questions in my mind for several months. Weighing the pros and cons in my own head. Then one day I just told my dh, "lets go for it". I still had some tiny worries but the majority of me wanted this 3rd child. So we did and I have been so happy since I made this decision. I think everyone has some sort of worries big or small but if you really would like to have another child then why not. Besides the fact that your worried about something going wrong with the baby you dont seem to have major catastrophe worries just worries we all think about when debating pregnancy. Rmember you may never feel that 100% about having another baby. I wish you the best in your future.

3 angels, the fact that you can spare me a 2nd thought when you're in the middle of your situation makes me feel truly humbled! Thanks again for taking the time. I will try & pray about it, and for you if that's ok.

Thank so much Monkey. You seem to be quite a nice person. I really hope everythings works out to the best for you.

Monkey,Your situation sounds fairly similar to my own - DS was 18 months when DD arrived. I rememeber when she was small finding it SO hard. I think I must have got depressed at one point as I just remember it all being too much to cope with. I was adamant from a long time, not more for AGES!

Then it gradually started to get better. DS is now 4 and DD 2.8, they do fight a bit but on the whole they are great together and look after each other. I feel relatively free. Like you I don't have many friends but am making them through DS's nursery and toddler group which I've finally got too (no car for ages, so liberating).

I'd always wanted a third but was v. daunted. I knew I wanted them fairly close (otherwise early-stage motherhood would go on forever) but I was worried about returning to all the stress. In the end we decided to go for it and for the first two weeks aftter the pg test I had every emotion going. It was only after a scare at 6 weeks that I started to really want the baby. Now I'm 10 weeks. I worry about abonormalities, things going wrong, how I'll cope, the works, but I do feel better about the whole thing and am getting more and more excited. In 10 months time I might be moaning but I think its normal to worry. I also think DD and DS are now old enough to enjoy it and join in so hopefully I'll have a band of little helpers. Don't feel bad about having doubts. Some days I still have doubts about having DD