Pregnant after three miscarriages - any advice on how to stay positive?

[DazedConfused99]

I'd love to hear from any mums out there who have had a similar experience to me, who could offer some advice on how to stay positive and not feel overwhelmed with anxiety!

Over the last couple of years I had three miscarriages, the first at 11 weeks, the next two at around 5-6 weeks. We'd given up trying to start a family, and then out of the blue I'm pregnant again at the grand old age of 42! I'm now 18 weeks, and everything looks fine so far and physically I'm doing well. However, I'm really struggling emotionally.

My husband and I are shocked, delighted and grateful, feeling that this is a miracle! However, I'm still really struggling to have any confidence that everything is going to be OK. In the early stages I was convinced that it couldn't last, especially being overweight and over 40! As we hit the 12 week mark I felt a bit more secure, but my anxieties have continued, evolving from a fear of early miscarriage into a fear of late miscarriage and still birth. I know that the probability is tiny (even at my age) but the probability of having three consecutive miscarriages is also tiny, so the statistics aren't very reassuring! I also have a few friends who had to end their pregnancies at 16/20 weeks due to very serious genetic issues with the baby, and my mother in law had a still birth. So the risks feel very real for me.

If anyone has an any advice on how to cope with the uncertainty of pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage I'd be very grateful!

Not the same circumstances at all (“luckily” only 1 MC) but I suffered from a bit of anxiety in subsequent pregnancy.

A train of thought which really helped me (although your mileage may vary!) was this:

You can’t insulate yourself from sadness. If it ends badly, you will be gutted, whether you’ve spent the whole pregnancy braced for bad news or in blissful ignorance. You will still be sad. You cannot protect yourself from that. Instead what you are doing (and what I was doing!) was preventing myself from feeling happy and optimistic and enjoying what was likely to be my last pregnancy. For no benefit whatsoever. SO I tried wherever possible to choose joy and optimism, accepting that I would be devastated if it went wrong, but realising that wasn’t much of a price to pay seeing as I would be devastated anyway even if I’d spent the whole pregnancy moping around.

Not sure if that sounds super woo or super clinical reading it back (maybe both?!) but find the version that works for you! Or talk to someone professionally if you need to. It’s so tough and when it’s all happening inside your body there’s no respite from the situation!

If you have any, remove any unnecessary additional stresses from your life. Toxic relationships, shitty jobs if you can. Anxiety usually abates somewhat when you take control.

Try a positive birthing course, the techniques also apply throughout pregnancy. I liked the positive birthing co online course. Also a weekly mum2be yoga class taught me slot of techniques to remain calm and comfortable through pregnancy.

Listen to Tony Robbins positive thinking talks. Then DARE to be anxious

Tackle it head on though, you deserve a happy pregnancy and healthy baby. I'm in a similar position and it's tough but I always feel much better when I'm actively doing something about it

@BaffledMcBaffled this is a very helpful approach and makes a lot of sense

Nothing useful to add bit brilliant post BaffledMcBaffled

I had 1 previous miscarriage and 1 previous ectopic pregnancy. Like you we stopped trying as I couldn't put myself through it again. I even convinced myself I was to damaged to conceive again. Then 3 years later, I became unexpectedly pregnant, I suffered cramps and was convinced it was ectopic again, it wasn't and was the best feeling. I worried the whole way through as it just didn't feel real. I had to keep myself busy to keep my mind occupied, sometimes it really got me down the constant worry. I focused on every appointment being my next milestone reached and a step closer to having my baby with me. It's such a worrying time but just because it feels sereal doesn't mean it won't work out. Good luck and take care.

I had two missed miscarriages last year. The fact they were only discovered at the first scan after literally no symptoms of miscarriage made my anxiety all the worse. I was absolutely convinced I would miscarry again and without being scanned every single day of the first trimester it was utterly impossible for me to know so I buried my head in the sand. I didn’t book in with the midwife until I was 12 weeks and subsequently only had the first scan on the last possible day at 13+6. I honestly tried to pretend I wasn’t pregnant for the first almost 14 weeks as much as I could. When I say I was convinced I’d miscarry, I mean for me there was just no way at all that we would have a healthy baby. Before that scan I had prepared myself for the worst news and was certain I would be leaving with my head in my hands destroyed all over again.

Amazingly he was fine! Didn’t stop the anxiety though. The next worry was if I hadn’t felt him moving that day (fourth baby so felt his movements very early on) so I’d reach for the Doppler a lot to check the heartbeat. Then I was worried to no end about the 20 week scan which turned out to be fine. Then it was reaching 24 weeks worried I’d go into premature labour before then and he wouldn’t survive. Once I’d surpassed 24 weeks my worry focused on movements and worrying about premature labour/stillbirth.

This is bad but I found a woman who had suffered a stillbirth at 36 weeks on Instagram and I became obsessed with the notion of the same happening to me. I would wake in the night sometimes in a cold sweat panicking that he had died so would frantically poke and prod him till he kicked. I actually did a lot of that, I used to play music to him if I hadn’t felt him kick for an hour or so and I’d become convinced it was the end.

He was born four weeks ago and is absolutely fine. I know it doesn’t always help but you do have to remember that the odds are seriously in your favour. Miscarriage is sadly common but the vast majority are in the early first trimester. You’re now past that so the chances are very slim. Likewise with stillbirth, it’s very very rare. You may never find yourself able to enjoy it, sadly previous losses taint future pregnancies mostly because your naivety has been removed and you’re all too aware of how fragile it all is.

Good luck, I hope all goes well for you this time .

Thanks for all of your comments, very much appreciated! I have been trying to stay busy and occupied, but also take it easier with work and rest more. I try to remind myself how lucky I've been that my pregnancy has been relatively easy physically so far. I have days when everything feels fine, and I start to lapse into feeling more confident, talking about 'when' the baby arrives, not 'if'. And then I get a new uncomfortable sensation and I panic that I'm about to miscarry as that's the only point of reference I have for that type of pain! Perhaps that's par for the course when you've lost your nativity, just as you described it OutPinked! It doesn't help that all the medical advice online states that every symptom is either completely normal or a signal of something going horribly wrong! I went to see my doctor this morning about a painful pressure in my pelvis, and she just said, "What will be will be"! Things like that don't really help you feel anything other than alone with the wolves of fate! Things with wider family members have been really stressful over the last week too, so I think I'm going to need to accept that I'm going to feel worried for the next 20+ weeks, and that that's OK, and put it in stricter boundaries and prioritise my own mental health for a while! Thanks everyone!

Hope all went well OP! Going through something similar and it’s so hard