My mum is making my mmc about her

[princessbala]

Hi, I want to know if I'm on the right here or if I'm being over sensitive...
I have just been told I'm having a mmc this is my 6th mc but I do have a healthy 3 year old son... my mum has made some really insensitive comments to me and she really is just making me feel so much worse, she calls me crying saying that she doesn't want me to try anymore because "she can't handle it" and being a grandma she feels the pain the same as I do.... I'm sorry but I was the one laying there being told at the scan that my baby had died two weeks ago and I'm the one having surgery on Friday.... I feel like I'm having to comfort her almost, she says that my dad isn't looking after her because she's so upset, and she told almost all of my family which I was so angry about as I told her specifically that we didn't want to tell anyone because of our history.... she said well I was so excited and now I'm so upset.... almost as if this is happening to her not me...

She was complaining of having to go to work even though she was so upset ( I was working even though I'm devastated) because we have bills to pay and Xmas presents to buy

I just feel so unsupported by her, I want to tell her that her being so upset all the time is really not helping me and it's just making me resent her! Am I being too harsh?

Having been fortunate with my pregnancies so far, I've never been through what you're going through now and I can only imagine the pain and hurt you're feeling.

I guess if I try to put myself in your position, then I think about how my mum would react. She is definitely known for making it all about her!! All the blinking time, if your sick, she's worse, you know? And I can imagine my mum saying to me that the pain is all too much for her....but in the same breath I can't imagine her saying it repetitively or trying to say she's as upset as I am.

I can only imagine the pain you're going through and I don't think it's measurable to the loss she's feeling right now, you've lost YOUR baby...And I hope she realises the comfort you need.

It isn't disregarding her feelings, but you do need to tell her that you can't listen to her feelings of sadness anymore because it's only making yours worse....maybe Try and seek support from someone else.

Sending love xx

No you are not being harsh. Tell her bluntly that this isn’t about her and that if she can’t support you to leave you alone

You’re definitely not being harsh - that’s outrageous behaviour. She should be supporting you.

You aren't being unfair- she should be supporting you. And this is one time when you really don't have to put the feelings of others first,as harsh as it sounds. I understand why she's so upset but she needs to try to help you right now.

We had a mmc in July and although we are luckily now expecting, a lot of friends and family barely reacted to it because they didn't fully know how I was feeling. What nearly pushed me in to actual depression was a friends reaction of 'sorry you lost it but at least you got pregnant, I haven't even had that' (we had been trying for 12 months so it was a very wanted pregnancy - they had been trying for a little while too but obviously this meant I ended up comforting her and ignoring our own loss). Shortly after this I decided to get some help as I needed to talk to somebody. This made me realise that everyone else's reactions were making me put a lid on my own feelings which was just unhealthy for me.
So in situations like this now I would always say look after number one.

That's awful, but you're not alone - my mum told me my ectopic was awful for her because she lost a grandchild. She didn't nearly die...

Currently 11 weeks and she doesn't know and won't until after my scan and genetic results.

princessbala you are in the right. Don't tell her as much any more. If you decide to TTC again later don't tell her, and if you get pregnant again don't tell her until the point at which you can't avoid it - when you start showing. She's lost the right to your confidences.

No way! When you go through that you need people around you to Be strong. It’s awful to say but your mum shouldn’t be showing all that emoution towards you. She should be supporting you. It’s not her choice if you try again she should support no matter what. I’m so sorry for your loss it’s devastating. Don’t be afraid to block her out until you’ve dealt with it yourself

You’re not being too harsh at all! I’d be really blunt with her, if she’s not going to be supportive she is not to call you, and then if she still does tell her you won’t be answering her calls. Of course she can be upset, but she should look to someone else to support her in that, not you. How is your relationship with your dad, could you explain to him how this is upsetting you? I know if my mum behaved like this my dad would have some pretty strong words for her if I asked.

If you do decide to TTC again, I would strongly consider not telling her anything until you have to, you don’t need that added stress.

Thankyou for all your replies, it's good to know that I'm not over reacting.... I'm going to call her today and say that she can be upset, but just please not with me, and if she can't promise that then we can't speak for a while. My dad is very closed, he has never said anything to me with any of my miscarriages, he gets very awkward.... so it's definitely not an option to talk to him. My husband says if it goes on much longer he will speak to her himself.

Agree with PP - don’t worry about being ‘rude’, OP, as your mother has shown breathtaking thoughtlessness. It’s one thing being upset about the loss of a grandchild, but she needs to be seeking comfort elsewhere.

If she starts again about how upset she is, just hang up, walk away, keep calmly explaining that you need to focus on your own recovery and cannot comfort her.

Very sorry you’re going through this.

Suggest stopping sharing any info about pregnancy stuff with your parents, and stopping looking to them for support on it. That’s what I did with my family, and it helped. I found counselling really useful.

I definitely think counselling will be a good idea, unfortunately I have suffered with depression and anxiety in the past, and definitely don't want to go down that route again for the sake of my son. I'm hoping I will feel better after the d and c, and it may draw a line under it, but I am extremely nervous :( we have decided to try again after my sons birthday in January, and we won't be telling a soul until, hopefully we get past the 13 week mark.

That sounds like a good plan.

Also, if your DM starts talking about her feelings about it all, or others in the family talk about her, shut it down. So what if she gets pissed off! You could use “broken record technique”, eg “I am feeling distressed about what you’re saying, and don’t want to discuss miscarriage or health matters: please stop”.

I'm just sending you a cyber hug OP! I cannot imagine what pain you have experienced. TBH your mom sounds narcissistic. I agree with others that maybe counseling and a short course of medication be it for depression or anxiety. It isn't weakness to admit to needing help.