AIBU...

[fizzledays]

So, a very good friend of mine just got engaged. We were messaging last night and she tells me she has booked the wedding date for August 2019, I light heartedly said "You know I'll have a 5/6month old baby, right?" (DD mid Feb), she immediately says "Yeah you'll have to do something about that, kid free wedding".

It felt a little bit like a slap in the face... for context, the wedding will be at the very end of Cornwall, we live in Surrey. if I'm breastfeeding (which I'm very much hoping to do), there's no way I can now go, even if I'm not and she's on a bottle that's definitely 2 nights away from her, and who the heck do I leave her with for that long? Can't expect DH to come all the way down and then not be able to actually come to the wedding either.

AIBU? I totally get the kid free wedding thing not wanting kids running around, but surely babies are a bit different? I just feel a bit hurt, I don't know what she expects me to do!

People who don’t have children are often ignorant to the practicalities of leaving a small baby. I’d give it some time and then have a conversation about it when you’re less upset (albeit rightly so). She can decide whether it’s more important to have you there or have no babies there.

We had a largely kid free wedding but most of our friends had older children who were used to being left with GPs overnight. We spoke to them all personally though and said if they couldn’t get childcare we would rather have them come with kids than not come at all. A couple of friends had babies under 1 who we invited as we wouldn’t have expected them to be left at that age.

I missed a wedding recently as no kids were invited and I was BFing my bottle refusing 7 mo. It would have meant flying to the wedding, leaving DH in a hotel near the venue and then popping back to feed her. Under those circumstances I didn’t see why I should make the effort even for a close friend.

@chloechloe

I already decided I won't say anything just yet, there's plenty of time to have the conversation if it needs to be had - it's quite a long way away so you never know what will change.

Thank you though, that makes me feel loads better. We did the same for our wedding, largely kid free but we didn't have many people with kids - the ones we did, we had a chat to and they were keen for a day/night away from them because they were that much older. I'd never tell someone they couldn't bring a baby.

We'd have to do the same with DH in a hotel nearby me maybe popping back and forth...I'm just really surprised, I never expected that kind of blunt attitude from her about it!

@fizzledays obviously it's her 'big' day and she doesn't want a baby crying in the back ground, you can't really blame her but at the same time if she wants you there she could of had a chat and just said if at any point DD because difficult can you make sure your sat at the back so you can take her out etc.... I'd just say when you have to RSVP, sorry, would love to come but can't leave breastfed baby.

I think your first comment to her was odd when she told you the date TBH. It’s not your wedding, why would she consider your life when setting her date? What do you expect her to do, wait until your DD is 4 and you are happy to leave her for 2 nights?

This is just what happens when people get married, the arrangements don’t always suit everyone. I wouldn’t say anything until you need to RSVP (unless she asks you to be a bridesmaid) and then make the decision on whether you can/want to attend once you have all of the details.

Oh and when you spoke to your wedding guests about no kids and they were all grateful for a night away from them, I guarantee some were lying to your face and it was a right pain in the arse for them. But they didn’t try to make it your problem because it was your wedding and your choice. That is exactly what you should do in this case.

"Oh I'll do something about it. I won't come. Ta-ta, thanks, bye!"

I assume she doesn't have her own kids?

As gently as possible, your first reaction was that it didn’t suit you. Babies are life changing for sure and you’re never be the same. But she’s not having a baby. She doesn’t need to consider this.
What was she supposed to say? “You’re right, tell me when suits you?”
I’m all in favour of babies and children at weddings. Every third person I’ve told my date to has complained that it doesn’t suit their holidays, it grates.

I had a completely child free wedding apart from my nieces and nephews who are all teens. In all fairness, none of our very close friends/family had young children at that point. The few the did understood. Some came as they were able to get a babysitter, some couldn't. I understood and so did they.
If you can't go, just tell the bride the reason why. It's expected that this might happen with a child free wedding (especially one that isn't round the corner!)

Also, the thing about babies and children being different - whilst true - where do you draw the line?

A 2 week old baby can definately come as they will most likely sleep all day, but a ‘breastfed to sleep at 18 months so can’t leave overnight’ child that runs riot all day and screams the place down? Sorry no. You will always upset someone.

BTW I’m not saying I wouldn’t let a 2 week old baby come to my wedding, I’m saying there will always be reasons why ‘my’ child is special and allowances should be made for ‘me/them’ so it’s easier sometimes to make it a blanket all or nothing.

@flashingbeacon @basinhaircut
Ok from an outsider I see what you're both saying about my comment, but other things were said giving it context, and that's just the kind of friendship that we have where we talk like that. There was lots of excitement for her about booking her wedding date, the venue and everything - and we'd only been talking the previous day about our pups (we got them both at same time), babies and everything.

and @basinhaircut, please don't assume that - you don't know the people or the conversations we had. It was 2 sets of people with kids ranging between 8-15 who have 2 sets of parents and we know them very well. In fact one of them said 'we don't have to bring the kids, right' but we had the conversation anyway.

@namechange00 completely agree and she knows me well enough that I would never ever ever let the baby interfere with the day. it was her bluntness of "yeah you need to sort that out" that I was taken aback by.

@flashingbeacon - I also wasn't saying it like it was inconvenient for me in the slightest her having the wedding then, I would never, ever do that. I can't tell you all how happy I am for her.

I'm due in July and we have a save the date for a friend's wedding in September. They're down south so we will have to travel and I plan to BF. It will still be quite soon after giving birth and I might be kidding myself but we'll probably book a house to stay in with a couple of rooms and take a grandparent with us to look after the baby for a few hours. Its not ideal but we wouldn't want to miss the wedding if we can avoid it and I wouldn't expect them to invite a new born.

It's a tough one, because babies are so unpredictable.

We had children at our Wedding because I have a lot of nieces and nephews, of various ages. Our friends were also due their baby 2 months before the Wedding.

Some of them were well behaved, some weren't.

At the end of the day, it is your friend's decision. If she doesn't want children at the Wedding, she needs to accept that it means some people (such as yourself) may not be able to attend.

I personally wouldn't bother with that sort of distance!

I don’t think her ‘yeah, we’ll need to sort that out’ was that blunt. Your comment to her before that ‘you know I’ll have a 5/6 month old baby then, right’ reads a bit strange - as if you expect her to plan her wedding around you & your baby and that it’s now inconvenient to you. I’m sure that not how you meant it to come across but that’s how it did to me.

If she wants a child free wedding she can have one. If it doesn’t suit you to leave your baby and go to a child free wedding then don’t go. That’s a risk the bride takes by stipulating no children. But she’s fully entitled to do this just as you’re fully entitled to stay at home.

Agree with all the others. If you do want to go, there are babysitters in Cornwall - or you could make a long weekend of it and rent a little cottage with your parents or someone you know.
Otherwise you can be equally blunt and just gracefully decline on the basis of being with your baby.

You can't ask for strangers' opinions and then say,' you don't know the whole story/ all that was said.'

She can have her life events and you can have yours. It's her wedding. If you can make it, great. If not, that's a bit unfortunate but I'm sure you'll both survive.

If it's that important TO HER that you are there, she'll be flexible and do what she can to help. If not, enjoy your baby.

It may be she can't bear to be around babies because she has been trying unsuccessfully to conceive... or she simply doesn't want to worry absolutely it stepping on children while the parents get drunk at her wedding. It's easier to have a blanket policy and then work with individuals than to ask specific people not to bring their offspring.

You're being a tad unreasonable...

@physicskate well i think you're now being rude. so, i'm just going to go ahead and try and close this down. i came on here for a genuine discussion because i was upset and was looking for some genuine support. lesson learnt.

Then ask for support, not people's opinions.

I honestly wasn't trying to be rude, just gave my opinion. I hope it all works out for you both!

No one is being rude OP. Come back to your thread when you’re less defensive & oversensitive.

I can't stop smiling at 'I would never let the baby interfere with her day'.

You absolutely cannot control that.

I would just smile sweetly. Just as her wedding isn't your top priority, your baby isn't hers. Maybe your baby will be a very relaxed baby, and be happy to go with others so you can have some time off. Maybe it will be clingy. Maybe you will be desperate for a few kid free hours, maybe you won't want to be apart from the baby at all.

It's all unknown at the moment.

Ultimately it's her wedding, and her decision. Guests are invited but not obliged to attend at any cost.

I think there's only one poster being rude here

fizzle fair enough that may have been the case, but speaking as someone who says similar to friends who have weddings that DS isn’t invited to, it’s always lovely to have a day off but it doesn’t mean it isn’t a pain in the arse getting childcare sorted, having to rush back to make swimming lessons the next morning etc. You’ve even said yourself ‘who are you supposed to leave the baby with?’ for your friend’s wedding and she hasn’t even been born yet.

It’s ALWAYS a pain in the arse to some degree.

Will there be other people with young children/babies there? It’s quite common now to get in a local baby sitter who stays in the hotel to look after the children during the ceremony and wedding breakfast so you can then have them there for the party after. It also means you can pop in and check/feed throughout the day. Is that a potential option? I know some couples will foot the bill for this but if not would you be able to split the bill for this between a few of you if there’s a few of you in the same boat?

If you said it in a text message chat she wouldn't hear your tone and know you said it 'lightheartedly'. She might have thought you were making demands about when her date would be or how her plans should allow for your baby. When I was planning a wedding and people started imposing demands on me I quickly shut it down & moved the conversation along as well.

It's hard to attend a destination wedding with a baby, and people don't realise how hard until they have a baby of their own. But it's her wedding so maybe just respect that it's her call and do your best to either attend or decline graciously.

Hi OP. I'm in the same boat as you. Due in Feb and invited to a child free wedding in July. My DH is best man. I plan to go with my parents on call with baby nearby. I'd be gutted to miss out as I'm sure I'll be in need of a night out but ultimately it's hard to predict how we'll be feeding our babies at 5/6 months and how long they'll take to GP care. To support you I was pretty bummed out about it especially as they know our's is a much longed for rainbow baby, and we had a very family friendly wedding but I'd never ask them to make allowances for me. It's their choice. Xx

Well as others have said it’s a tough one. I can understand her not wanting kids/babies at her wedding but she could have said that to you in a nicer and more tactful way. I think you just have to be honest and say that you can’t see yourself being able to come without your child, then it’s up to her what she wants to do.

Also @physicskate makes a very valid point that you don’t always know what might be going on in someone’s life. It can be really hard being around other people’s children if you’re desperate for one of your own but can’t have one, whether that’s because of fertility problems or general circumstances. I could totally understand somebody wanting to have a child-free wedding if that were the case.

I’ve been invited to a wedding when my baby will be roughly ten weeks old. My friend has invited us with the baby as well but I would totally understand and respect her decision if she didn’t want a baby to be there.