I'm pregnant and it terrifies me. Help.

[Jalf]

I'm prepared to be told to "man up" or some similar phrase but I'm really looking for some advice/reassurance.

I'm 5 weeks, so it's very very early days and I don't want to tell anyone until 10-12 weeks, so, unfortunately, that leaves me very alone at the moment. My partner is amazing and he is so excited about this, and I genuinely thought I would be too. We thought at the start of October we were ready and now is as good a time as ever, so we began to try - month 1 BFP (he, of course, thinks this is fab because he has strong swimmers etc).

I just have this overwhelming feeling of panic. I am self-employed and have no idea what to do with my business in the process, when I'll need to stop work, how long I'll have to stop for etc. I won't get mat pay or normal leave so I don't know what the time part is for me. My work is me, so losing this is scary in itself. I don't want to let any of my clients down and I don't know if they'll be annoyed etc about me stopping work for whatever length that needs to be.

Then there's parenting itself. I had an unstable childhood and I've never seen a "good enough" parent - I didn't have any and I'm terrified that I'll be a bad parent (from an emotional/psychological development standpoint) to my new little one. I've worked with psychologists and psychiatrists and as far as everyone is concerned, I'm "fixed enough" as a person now, very self-aware and very emotionally mature (hard to believe in this situation, I know), but that doesn't mean I'll be the same as a parent as I haven't been able to learn from a good parent - the what-if's and panic keep returning.

I'm just terrified, please someone tell me this goes away - I don't want to let this little life down, I really don't.

Sorry for the emotional and long post.

Everyone's terrified even when they didn't have the challenges you did. Truly. No matter how ready you think you are most people freak out when those two lines come up.

It'll be ok. Really. The good thing is that you don't actually have to figure out those things now, or really ever. All you ever have to do is take it one day at a time and deal with today's problems. People take maternity leave, your clients will cope, you will make a plan and you can change it if you need to. Newborns don't need much active "parenting", just to be kept fed, warm, clean and cuddled. And a baby or child is only ever one day older than the day before. Things fall into place bit by bit. You learn as you go.

You can do this.

@ZackPizzazz Thank you. Seriously thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Exactly what I needed to hear. one day at a time

Thank you

I was utterly petrified too and I'd been desperate to be pregnant and had had a m/c. I didn't know if I'd be any good as a mother. I worked it out and I promise you, you will too :) Love your baby, trust your instincts. One day at a time. Breathe.

Hello Jalf
I recognise your panicked tone!
I was absolutely terrified when I had my first. By the time I had my second I was a different person.
An awful lot of people are scared, although it never appears that way!
I read absolutely anything I could get my hands on re parenting and childcare etc and that helped.
The fact that you can say what you are feeling is a big positive. You sound so self-aware, which puts you streets ahead of many prospective parents. I'll bet you are much more capable than you believe! I found, as the pregnancy went on, I relaxed into it a bit. Didn't stop worrying, but that's just parenting, it never stops
I completely agree with Zack. Her post was full of great advice.
And Mumsnet is fantastic for support so stick around, you're not alone

It's normal! I joined a due date thread on here, and everyone seemed to be shitting themselves, I know I sure was. Just ride it out, you'll love it.

Its OK to be worried, but don't let the worry itself worry you. If that makes sense.

Thank you Threewheeler1 and Butteredghost - I think I'm having an emotional hormonal worry week. Just received a pack of info from the NHS, it's so overwhelming .

Thanks again guys for your positive and supportive words

I'm self-employed too. You'll be entitled to maternity allowance, which is around £145 a week for (I think) 37 weeks. The only thing you need is to be up to date on your national insurance payments, but if you've been doing your tax returns, etc. then you should be. You get a chance to pay it if you're not anyway.

I share the same fears as you around my business, which has taken me a few years to build up and I'm keen not to lose that. You're entitled to 10 keeping in touch days while on maternity leave where you can do paid work, so you can use that to ease back in. I've pretty much decided to take the full maternity allowance period off as there's no point in me going back early if I'm not going to earn more than the MA amount (which I probably won't while I'm working out the right balance).

With regards to clients, I started letting them know around the 20-week mark that I would be going on maternity leave and envisaged being off for at least X amount of time. For clients who would need my services in this time, I have referred them to other people I know and hope that they'll come back when I'm ready – all have said to let them know when I'm back accepting work again, which is promising.

Celebelly thank you so much for the work related reassurance - yes I have an ltd company so I’m paid via PAYE to include national insurance. I’ll speak to my accountant I think to ask her for advice?

I’ve spent years building it and I’m now the breadwinner over my (well paid!) OH - so dropping to one income for us is also a bit scary!

I feel a little bit calmer now a couple have days have passed but I’m still terrified about the parenting side of it for sure!

Jalf Hello. Your post really struck a chord. I'm also 5 weeks and had a seriously bumpy childhood. It's been playing on my mind a lot lately, precisely in terms of the psychological element of parenting. I went on a big Amazon spree for parenting books the other day in the hope it might help (not the how to, but the more conceptual ones, if that makes sense). You sound lovely, kind, self-aware and emotionally intelligent. I'm sure you'll be a lovely mummy.

The posts on here have been really reassuring to read. 😊

@StargazyDrifter please let me know which books and whether they’re any good - I love reading to learn so this would help me no end!

In a way I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way, but I’m also sorry that you didn’t have the childhood you deserved xx

Jalf that's very kind. I will send you a message with the books I have so far. 😊