Pregnant with 3rd Child - DH isn’t happy

[KellyW88]

This is a bit of a long one - I do need some guidance if possible from this amazing community.

So my DH and I currently have 12 month old twins and found out recently I have caught again (contraception failure).

When I first told him he immediately said he wanted an abortion and in my panic (how could I possibly manage a 3rd with little income, a tiny flat and two little handfuls?!) I agreed. Then I looked into the options and immediately started to cry - I couldn’t do it, I realised that yes a third child is going to be difficult but there are ways to manage and I just couldn’t abort my own flesh and blood. I explained this to DH and he knows that in a previous relationship I was forced into an abortion and it still haunts me - even though it was probably the right thing to do at the time.

Fast forward a few weeks and DH hadn’t said a thing about the pregnancy since stating “I understand” when I told him I couldn’t abort. I tried to get him to speak about it but he just couldn’t bring himself to admit that he felt like I was trapping him.

We had our first scan yesterday, he initially didn’t want to go but I managed to convince him (somehow!) - as soon as he saw the little bean on the scan monitor he froze and then the tears started, a small part of him accepted that it was as much his flesh and blood as it is mine and that this little life is our responsibility regardless of our circumstances.

When we got home and relieved my Mum of babysitting duty (the twins have colds so we didn’t want to take them with us as we didn’t want it to be transmitted to any other pregnant ladies at the hospital) he finally admitted that he has been resenting me since I made the decision to keep our third child - he explained his reasons, first our financial situation, then our living situation, then the fact that he sometimes feels he can barely cope with the ever growing needs of our beautiful twins, then the big one... fear that, like our twins, this baby would be born extremely prematurely and we would have to spend months in NICU again - he admitted this was his greatest fear as NICU with the twins almost broke him...

He went on to say that he now feels some excitement about our third little one but there is a little resentment still there (he admitted after I asked candidly) and now I see that I did back him into a corner somewhat with my decision and I regret how that made/makes him feel - but I stand by my decision 100%

We are currently looking for a new home (have been since before the twins were born) and I know that money will be very tight and yes the thought of going through NICU again had crossed my mind - frequently - and it terrifies me too... I then explained that I think he is suffering from a form of PTSD regarding NICU as he has never looked back at photos of the twins during their time there and won’t speak of it, I’ve tried to gently get him to start trying to accept that it happened and face the emotions that go along with it as it will help him in the long run... he just doesn’t know how.

As you hopefully can tell from the post he is a deeply caring man and loves our twins with his whole being, I’m also very lucky that he’s a communicator (even if it does take a while for him to get round to it) has anybody been through anything similar? (I’m sure we’re not the only ones) how did you get through it? Did you go ahead (if you don’t mind sharing)?

Sorry for the long post but I don’t want to ask advice from my family or his as I don’t want them jumping to the “fire and pitchforks” stage as I know my Mum is ecstatic about third grand baby, his Mum isn’t as sure for her own reasons but is being fully supportive and his Dad has made it clear that he does not agree with abortions in circumstances such as ours... so he already feels that they’re on “my side” enough

Hi, I'm so sorry to read you're having a tough time. A friend of mine and her husband actually split up when finding out about their first baby being on the way, they weren't ready but she like you couldn't have a termination and he just shut down (she doesn't think he would've wanted a termination either deep down) . We all thought he was awful but to our surprise he turned up at her first scan and just before the 20 week begged her back and after reflection saw all the positives and let go of all the fear. We all wondered how long it would last but he proved us all wrong, he's the most hands on, loving dad and now husband and they since had 2 more children. The third again totally unplanned and my friend this time was the terrified one, he reminded her that in 8 months time this fear and doubt is going to disappear because they've been there before and they will love that baby with everything they have and never will they feel too much. At the moment having a third baby is the unknown and not but once they are born the love and bond will take over i am sure. My friend always says to me she looks back at that time when they split and it seems so silly that they couldn't see how it was meant to be and being without their boy is just unthinkable. I don't know your husband but he sounds like a good man I am sure he will work through it and like my friends look back and realise the baby was a gift and meant to be. Hope you are OK. X

He sounds like a good man. But a frightened one at the moment. It’s really good he same to the scan. I’ll keep you in my thoughts OP. Keep being positive about the baby. I’m sure that will help.

He sounds terrified, I must admit, when I read the first part of your post I thought ‘what a prat,’ but can now see that his reaction actually comes from a place of good and a caring heart.

I don’t know if he’d consider it but would counselling be beneficial to him? It sounds quite like he has PTSD to me. Not surprising, I am quite sure it was the worst time of your lives!

I don’t know why your twins were in NICU, I am only guess from my very limited knowledge of multiple births is that premature birth is quite common. Perhaps worth explaining that the chances of carrying to term with a singleton are much higher.

It sounds as though you’ll be able to work through this together. Stay strong!

I’m so sorry for the late responses to all your lovely comments - the whirlwind of life took me away for a bit.

@blondbrunette thank you so much for sharing the experiences of your friend as it made me genuinely smile and see hope. DH is a fantastic man and such a caring and happy to be a hands on dad with the twins - he’s an amazing dad but I think the fear was similar, he just couldn’t see how he could go through so much again so soon when we had both previously said “two is enough”. After the first scan he has brightened up considerably, I took the time to explain as best I could that I wasn’t just reacting as a mother but that I had considered every angle, money, living space, the trauma of the NICU (amazing place but haunting...)

He felt somewhat better knowing I hadn’t just rushed to the choice and then opened up about more of his worries and whilst those worries are far from gone, he’s trying to remain positive :)

@heather1thank you so much - he is a fantastic man and a great father to our twins :) thank you for your supportive words.

@iswallowtoothpaste Things have brightened considerably since the scan but I agree with his needing counselling for PTSD - I read up on it and the number of parents who have experienced the NICU suffer PTSD as a result (I never knew!) I’ve suggested it and he’s considering it... but for now he wants to try talking about it with me little by little and I’m happy to do that. He managed to look back at the photos of those early days for the first time and let himself process his emotions a bit (tears were had by both of us) which I think helped us so much as we could finally share our differing experiences with the same emotions, fear, elation, stress and sadness, downright terror sometimes too... we’re both usually ‘just get on with it’ minded people who don’t necessarily push feelings away but accept things are as they are and just get on with it - but obviously NICU with two poorly babies is a level of emotional stress that we couldn’t do that... the worst thing was that outwardly we did just carry on and at the time so many people commented on how we were handling it so well and I think that made us shut down for quite a long time...

Anyway - thank you and we have the second scan next week (we were at 19 weeks when we had what we thought was the 16 week scan ) and we will be able to find out what we’re having and he’s started saying the same as when I was pregnant with the twins (a pregnancy that he was excited about from day 1) “happy and healthy, that’s all we need to know.” Which gives me hope :)