Scared of being a single mum but in a bad relationship

[Jetson365]

I could really do with some advice from experienced mum's out there.

I am 31 weeks pregnant and I'm still in a relationship with my baby's dad. Then problem is that he isn't supportive of me. He works 32-36 hours a week and is in a lot of debt but no matter how much I try and speak to him about how we are going to physically afford everything when we have our baby he doesn't do anything about it. I work 40-45 hours a week and spend my days off doing housework. I cover the rent every month and have to wait for him to pay me back for it. I don't have an amazing job so I struggle but I work as many hours as I can. He seems to think I am being unreasonable by worrying and stressing about our future.

It's not just this, he isn't supportive in other ways either. When I have been working all day and am in pain (I have sciatica) he will sit back and let me make his tea and do his washing and tidy the house etc and complain that he has had a stressful long day (after working 6 hours in a coffee shop). He never thanks me for anything I do, never appreciates or even comprehends that I am struggling. He acts like he is bothered but doesn't do anything actually help, just let's me carry on. I also can't go anywhere or do anything (such as food shopping) without him saying things like 'what am I supposed to do' 'when will you be home?' 'how much longer are you going to be' and then when I get home he makes me feel guilty for going- I just don't know what to do anymore.

He seems to think he has control.over everything, including the baby's name. I have my heart set on a name to which he says is never going to happen in a million years and I need to come up with a name and then convince him to say yes.

I just feel lost, I feel like I would be better off without him but I'm scared of regretting it. I'm worried that it will get worse when the baby is here. Has anyone else had a relationship experience like this. Has it got better or worse?

Sorry for the long ramble!

Thanks x

If you feel you are better off without him then you probably are.
Trust your gut.

I was in a shite relationship, very similar to yours and it DID get worse after baby was born. When I was on maternity leave he complained that I was at home all day doing nothing. He went to the "pub" ever night, racked up loads of debt...in my name and the list goes on. I always regret not leaving him sooner.
I'm not this massive man hater, but men like that really grind me. He should appreciate and respect you and it sounds like he does neither. He sounds controlling and that's not good in any relationship.
It's not easy to end a relationship when a child is involved and the easy option is often to stay which is why many women/men do but the easy option isn't always the best option.

OP have you any family or close friends you could turn to? I think you know the answer to your questions already.

I spent two and half years with a controlling man who expected me to do everything. I stayed for ages thinking things would get better but it only got worse: the more I stayed, the more demanding he got. Leaving was the best decision I ever made.

It’s obviously much harder when you’re pregnant but I think sadly your situation is not going to get any better. You’re carrying the financial load and doing everything at home - how are you going to manage this with a newborn as well? It doesn’t sound like he’s going to be changing nappies, picking up the housework slack etc. and if money’s tight it’s only going to add to the strain.

Do you have friends and/or family that can support you and give you advice? What do they think of him?

Well my parents are in despair with him. I have a very close and supportive family (luckily, they really are amazing) and they don't understand his way of thinking. They are of the mindset that be should be doing everything he can to help me and to make life that bit easier for me. I'm not asking for the Earth, just for him to show support. When I felt my baby kick for the first time I messaged him as soon as it happened and he went all funny with me and said he was jealous, but then when he felt it for the first time he was more interested in his phone. He barely looks up when my stomach moves (it still amazes me every time) and he doesn't seem interested. I understand that some men find pregnancy bewildering and don't really seem bothered until the baby actually arrives but he could at least humour me. He says he is and everything but he doesn't act it.

I also found when I was three months pregnant that he was flirting with another girl on Facebook. He swears he won't do it again but I just don't understand how anyone could do that in the first place?! I think I am holding on because I desperately to want that proper loving family which myself and my siblings had while growing up.

Guess I am just scared really :'(

I think I am holding on because I desperately to want that proper loving family which myself and my siblings had while growing up.
I was exactly the same as you, but if you feel you should leave all you are doing by staying is delaying the inevitable and wasting time finding that family dream.

I met my partner last year, after all the rubbish I have had with men I didn't think I would find anyone. He is absolutely amazing. And you will find a man who adores you. You just have to kiss (maybe have children) with a few frogs before you find your prince.
I'm 28...it's never too late to have that happy family. It just doesn't always come as you planned or hoped.

Op please do not be afraid of doing it on your own! Infact going by what you've said wether yous are together or not it seems like you may be anyway... where's the support at the minute? I don't mean to sound harsh in anyway but sometimes for your own happiness you have to take a step back the family unit is always craved but to be honest kids can be just as happy with out it.. it's soo daunting and I'm speaking from experience I was 18 when I had my son he's now 9! I was a single mother I chose to be because like you I could see the relationship wasn't great my partner wasn't the best form of support and I felt like I was carrying him! I do not to this day regret it my son is the happiest little chap you could meet! I'm in a new relationship now and 20 weeks pregnant and my partner is amazing! Couldn't do enough for me supports me mentally and in every way possible... I guess what I'm trying to say is if you do choose to go it alone it will be hard yes but it's still the most amazing experience! Good luck op I hope everything works out great for you no matter what you decide x

Leaving him doesn't mean you can't give your child a happy family. A friend of mine left her partner when her son was a baby, then met another man with kids. They moved in together and now her son has a stable family home and has step brothers to play with. My friend's now engaged and expecting another baby next month.

You want a happy family, but it really doesn't sound like he's willing to meet you half way. You aren't in a bad relationship - you're great, but he's a problem!! He seems to be causing issues that he isn't willing to compromise to solve, which makes him one of life's losers. Ditch to loser. You (and your baby) deserve better. It seems he is unwilling to support you emotionally or otherwise and isn't willing to try either.

Was this an unplanned pregnancy or were you hoping it might make him grow up?

Thank you for all of your responses!

It was unplanned (or a happy accident as I like to say) but we were both very happy. He just doesn't seem prepared to face reality and come to terms with the fact that he will have to provide because I am not going to be able to anymore. For example for the past few months, one week into being paid he has announced he can't afford food. This month he has bought absolutely nothing at all food wise, I have paid for everything and he hasn't thanked me even once. Ive put myself into debt again this month because if I don't buy toilet roll or pasta or whatever, no one else will! And when I try to talk to him about it he just complains about his credit card debt (which he used for holidays and random purchases before I met him) and his other son from a previous relationship that he has to pay for each month and says after that he can't afford anything, which naturally adds more pressure on to me. I just keep trying to come to the realization that this is not going to change when the baby is here, it's going to get worse isn't it? :(

I have just cared for him for so long and put up with all of this that I have convinced myself that I am being unreasonable and that in some way this is my fault

Just because you've already invested a lot does NOT mean you will get a return on that investment.

It would be interesting to know why the relationship with his son's mother broke down. Similar reasons? If so, he will NEVER EVER change. He's had chance after chance and 8 months of your pregnancy to change and he hasn't. He knows that children bring responsibilities and he isn't changing.

Leaving him could be a good wake up call for him, but it probably won't be. He sounds like a right jerk... I wouldn't want a baby with that. I'd take my baby and not deal with his shit anymore!!

You sound very capable, he's not. You can do this a lot easier without him sucking the life out of you. He'll only get worse with a baby , lean on your family

God, get rid of him. He will get worse, not better. You will be so much better off without him. Since he didn't step up to the place, the baby's name is none of his fucking business. It's not your fault. Please get rid.

I'd at least stop living with him until he proved himself capable of getting out of the debt and actually feeding himself. Then I would know he actually wanted it and wasn't just sponging.