I want to get pregnant but also terrified by the idea of pregnancy

[40AndConfused]

Hi all

I turned 40 last week...running out of time! Me and partner would like to try for a baby but I'm a bit of a hypochondriac and have always been incredibly anxious about the idea of pregnancy, birth and potential complications. My fears are so intense they could put me off.
The demands/exhaustion/challenges of motherhood aren't nearly as overwhelming for me.

I recently had blood tests (day 4 of cycle) in case I do decide to bite the bullet:-

FSH: 7.7 mlU/mL
LH: 6.9 MlU/mL
Oestradiol: 245.3 pmol/L
AMH 1.7 ng/ml

I've yet to discuss these results with the doc, but I think these are all relatively normal for my age?

And I suppose my next question is, do any of you have issues with anxiety? And if so, how on earth did you cope with being pregnant and giving birth?

Thanks!

I will apologise in advance as you may find this rude and upsympathetic, although it's absolutely not meant to be.

Those suffering from health anxiety can receive 1000 reassuring messages / posts / helpful suggestions etc, and it won't make a jot of difference because they will carry on asking the same questions over and over again from different people. Nothing I say will make the slightest difference to you.

Talk to a professional counsellor and get some real help for your anxiety. Now that really WILL make a difference! And then you will hopefully be able to enjoy something that millions of women experience of day, and which the female body is designed to do. Good luck.

Many thanks for your response. You're absolutely right, it's vital to get professional help for something like this, and I'm undergoing therapy to address my anxiety

I suppose I'm here trying to connect with other women, especially 40+, who can identity with this profound anxiety around pregnancy/birth, who've perhaps been able to conquer their fears and to maybe learn from them. No-one in my immediate circle can relate so it can feel even more lonely & daunting.

I'm 32 so not entirely in the same situation as you. But in my first pregnancy (two years ago) I was diagnosed with a sever birth phobia. It was dreadful and crippling. My mother had basically spent my entire life telling me her horror birth stories in great detail - thanks mum!

I was assigned to the Perinatal Mental Health Team and also did a hypnobirthing course to help me through it. It was a very, very scary time for me, but I did come through and the best thing I ever heard from a friend (and turned out to be totally true) was that "labour is fine". It's not great fun, but it was totally manageable.

I'm now expecting my second and I find it incredibly helpful to remind myself that, when you have anxiety, real life almost never turns out to be that bad! So the experience itself can't possibly be as bad as your mind is telling you it could be.

I also found it really hard, in both pregnancies, as friends and family just didn't understand. I had existing anxiety and was then diagnosed with pre natal depression. All I got from friends was: "Is that even a thing?" or "Only you would get something like that!". Then towards my due date I started getting "you must be so excited!"... despite me having tried to share my experiences and fears. I really - REALLY - wasn't excited I was bloody terrified and I felt isolated and alone with it.

My team were so worried about me I was on watch for post partum phychosis and they had a meeting with my OH to brief him of the signs to look for! However, as soon as my daughter was born, I went to cloud 9 and stayed there for almost a year! I didn't need any of my previous anxiety medication I was just so made up and relieved to have gotten through it - the new born stage was the most wonderful time in the world for me in total extreme to how I'd felt during pregnancy.

So I say go for it - but get as much support in place as you can and know that it's ok to feel rubbish, but that it doesn't mean it will be rubbish. I'm telling myself that now as I await arrival of number 2!

PLEASE get proper professional help before you get pregnant. Perinatal mental health issues (inc tokophobia) can be extreme, and your fears should be much easier to treat before pregnancy. I speak from personal experience that it is far better to address your worries now than to start TTC and just 'hope for the best'. It really is not worth risking your mental health.

I should probably say that I had a lot of therapy to deal with pregnancy and labour anxiety/fear (which was triggered by a previous traumatic birth). Although I made huge progress, and would strongly recommend anyone doing the same, and felt mostly 'better' when I fell pregnant again my mental health took a big turn for the worse. I really wish I had spent longer having more intensive treatment and ensuring my issues were completely under control before TTC again.

I didn’t seek help before getting pregnant I thought it’s now or never, like u more worried about the pregnancy than having a kid to look after! Seems mad but it’s how I felt. If it makes u feel any better I have had a relatively straightforward time, yes it’s not been great but mentally I’ve been better than I could ever have hoped. I wonder if hormones kick in to calm you? I’ve had great support though from my husband and family they have all been there for me 100% and that has been worth so much to me. Good luck!

@FlippertyJibbet88 Thank you so much for sharing your experience in such depth. I'm sorry you struggled so deeply - I can imagine how frightened and lonely you must have felt. It's amazing how you overcame your anxieties. To hear that it was "totally manageable" is reassuring and hearing your story gives me hope. Thank you x

It sounds like the professional support was very good. I moved from London to Malta 9 months ago - the general healthcare provisions don't appear to be as advanced here as in the UK, especially around pregnancy mental health, but I'll definitely look into more specific professional help about these fears. I may be surprised as to what's on offer!

I'm so glad things worked out for you the first time round. Like you say the relief after birth must have been the biggest high ever! It sounds like you've really got a handle on everything in time for the second round. Well done. Wishing you the very best x

@peamad Thank you. Yes, you're right. I'll look into getting specialised help for these particular fears ASAP. I can imagine how things can spiral out of control if not addressed properly. I really hope things are going ok for you x

@LittleMG - Hi, I'm so glad it worked out for you. Like you, I'm very fortunate to have a very supportive partner and immediate circle so that should help (if I don't drive them crazy!)
The feedback on here has convinced me to look for more specialised help with my fears ASAP. Of course, being 40 I may not even get the chance to go through a pregnancy/birth to get anxious about!
Best wishes x