Hi all, I'm just really looking for some advise on what to do in such a difficult situation... It would be nice to hear about anyone else's similar stories and what you did.
So I have been with my dp for 4 years (living together for 3). I am 25 and he is 31. I love him to bits and we have a very close relationship. We pretty much have all the same interests and just really enjoy being around each other. Of course we have our arguments from time to time but nothing major. We really do want a future together but there is just one problem, I'm not sure if he really wants children... :'(.
From early on in the relationship my dp had mentioned he wasn't keen on children and didn't really want them. Being only 21 at the time I didn't think much of it as having children wasn't something I wanted to do anytime soon. I thought if things worked out between us then, if you love someone, having a family would be something that would happen in the future. I'm aware that was very naive of me.
As we are getting older, having a family is something I am thinking about more. I have never really thought about the possibility of not having a family at some point in my life. I have a very close relationship with mine and having a family of my own is something I want in my future. My partner is also close to his parents but he has a very small family as his aunties and uncles did not have children.
Throughout our relationship this topic has come up. At times I have felt quite positive about our discussions and other times not so much. My dp has said things to me that have made having a family sound possible. For example he has said things like if I had a child I would want them to have this hobby, I wonder what our child would look like and has even said some names he likes. He's also said, once the child was a bit older he thinks he would come into his own and also asked when I would want them and how many. Other times, he can be very negative by saying things like he couldn't cope with a baby, having children is expensive and he loves to travel and feels having a child would stop his freedom. He does also comment if a child is playing up in public but to be fair I probably would to.
As a couple, neither of us are great at big decisions. I know it is something that makes him nervous as he would worry about the possibility of having a disabled child or that he would be a bad dad. He has also mentioned that he would worry that we wouldn't have time together.
At times I think he sounds certain in his decision to not have children as he has bluntly said he doesn't want them but then other times he sounds like it's a possibility. This makes it really hard for me to be able to make a decision on my future and our relationship. We have come close to splitting because of this. He knows I want a family and he has thought about our options. He said at one point he would consider adoption in the future but I just worry that deep down having a family isn't for him and it would lead to one of us resenting the other further down the line.
I'm aware that this should have been sorted right at the very start of the relationship. I'm not sure if I am hanging on to things he is doing or saying, which makes it seem having a family is possible or if I need to stop kidding myself before it is too late. I would never want him to just go along with having a family because it is what I want. I care about him a huge amount and want him to live the life he wants. I just can't quite figure out what that is....
Advice would be much appreciated. X