I'm so scared I'll lose another one

[Frazzlerock]

I found out I am pregnant on Saturday morning at long last. I've been desperate for a rainbow baby for 2.5 years since we lost our last two babies.

I just can't help thinking this won't last. Every single day when I go to bed I thank my lucky stars that it is another day with no bleeding. But then I worry that what if our baby hasn't implanted properly and I end up nor only losing my baby but losing a tube too (I already have fertility issues), or when we go for our 'reassurance' scan they don't find anything there. Or no viable pregnancy. I'm just so scared. Every day that passes I become more any more in love with this little one, I can't help it. I'm only 4+4 weeks so I know I am stupid to get attached but so many people go through their whole lives having babies and never lose one so I keep thinking I have just as much chance as them and I deserve this just as much as they do. But then others lose so many, and they deserve a baby too.

I just wish I had a crystal ball so I can relax and enjoy my pregnancy. What are the chances of losing a third?

Only 1% of women will experience recurrent miscarriage so chances are very slim and you have to attempt to make yourself feel some reassurance that the stats are well and truly on your side.

I know exactly how you feel. I had two MMC’s last year and when I found out I was pregnant again I was utterly convinced the same thing would happen. The first trimester was absolute hell with me certain the baby had died. He is fine though and I’m currently 38+3 .

Miscarriage is hard for many reasons but one is that it really takes the joy out of future pregnancies. I wish you all the best and hope you get your rainbow this time .

Completely understand @Frazzlerock . Similar to you, after our miscarriage it took 2.5 years to conceive again. I'm currently 18weeks and still taking every day as it comes. My only advice would be that anything that goes wrong now is nothing that a) medical practitioners would / could help with and b) absolutely nothing you have or haven't done! Saying that, after a little research I decided to self prescribe a low dose of aspirin, as a small % of miscarriage can be related to clotting issues and I basically think this is a small placebo for my nerves and does no harm to me or the baby. The doctors have no problem with

Sorry, posted early!

Docs probably think I'm a little crazy/paranoid but don't have a problem with it although they have advised to stop at around 32 weeks.

Good luck! Hoping the next eight months are uneventful (in a good way) 

Thank you. I am actually taking a low dose aspirin daily as well as progesterone (prescribed). It does give me security knowing I am doing something to help this time.

But then what if my previous MC's weren't to do with progesterone or lack of aspirin. I guess I'll never know. I have two older DC from a previous marriage and never experienced a single loss (that I knew of) until the two I had 2.5 years ago with DP. My previous pregnancies were spent completely unaware that anything could go wrong until it did.
Now I am on a knife edge. I love love love being pregnant and have been desperate for this to happen for such a long time, I need to enjoy this so much and I can't

I was just looking through my old threads and this one popped up.

I wanted to update the thread for anyone who has found this after a search and wants to know the outcome.

We did lose our little boy. We reached 9 weeks. He had Trisomy 16. I had surgical management again.

I'm now under the Recurrent Miscarriage Team and, seven months later, still trying for a baby. Our sweet little boy was due this Sunday coming I'm really hoping we get pregnant this cycle to soften this shit time.

@Frazzlerock So so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my last pregnancy at 8 weeks back in December and it's dreadful. It's only a few weeks now until the old due date from that pregnancy and so I understand what you're feeling. Keep positive and good luck for the future xx

I'm so sorry to hear that Frazzle. Whereabouts are you based? I had 6mc between my first child & second and was seen at St Mary's. I took part in a trial where they did an endometrial scratch which is supposed to help with implantation. I know that wouldn't have changed things for your little boy but it may be worth looking into. Has your DP's sperm been checked?

I'm sorry @charm23 Thank you for the positivity but after three it is very hard to be positive. Despite feeling like our last one would end like the others, I really willed him to live but it didn't work.

@MsJuniper, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. We are in Sevenoaks in Kent. We are being seen at Maidstone. I've had a hysteroscopy and a tonne of blood taken from me which all came back clear, except ever so slightly over compensating thyroid levels so I've had my meds reduced slightly. She said it was unlikely to have caused my losses and that they are most likely unexplained. DP and I have had our chromosomes checked and all fine.

DP hasn't had his sperm checked but we have got pregnant three times so sperm function/quantity must be fine. Consultant said it wasn't necessary for us.

I'm not sure if the endo scratch will help us as our babies implant with no trouble, they just don't survive afterwards Maybe I will ask our consultant what she thinks.

frazzlerock I remember you from the July thread and just wanted to send you best wishes and hope you have some good news soon.

Sorry Frazzle I'm sure you've been through all the possibilities many times. I listened to so many people giving advice and I know it can sometimes get a bit much.

Some of mine were 9 weeks so had implanted and some earlier so I am not sure why it worked for me. They usually give it to people having IVF to aid implantation.

The only reason I asked about your partner's sperm was because you said you had older children. But if his chromosomes are ok that's probably not it.

So frustrating not to have an answer and such a hard and painful time for you. The constant raising and dashing of hopes takes such a toll. I hope you have lots of support and of course I hope it goes right for you soon.

By the way, how thoughtful of you to come back and update when you have been through so much.

I am so so sorry about your losses! I wish you all the best 💕

Thank you all.

Our little boy was due yesterday. I planted a gorgeous Dahlia called 'Happy Times'. Doesn't seem fair that he's not here in my arms.
I'd have had an elective c-section so his birth would have most likely have been yesterday. DP was in a foul mood all day so I spent the day just feeling quite lonely really.

@Kentishgal hi, I hope you are well xx

@MsJuniper I appreciate your suggestions, I always do appreciate anything anyone can recommend. You were right to question DP's sperm etc.
I ovulated yesterday so I'm now in the TWW. If I don't get preg this cycle or I do and we lose another, then I will ask about the scratch.

All this is just so hard, you know? And I'm so tired of crying all the time. Especially as I never used to be a crier pre baby losses. I've actually been okay since we've been TTC (DP is so on the fence with it that we've had times where he refuses and that just sends me into deep depression).
But yesterday, being on my own with my feelings was hard, and I had to support DP while he was in a mood over something DS2 said/did.

Anyway, I'm offloading now and that wasn't my intention at all. I also just realised this is in 'Pregnancy' as I was pregnant when I started the thread. It's not fair for this to keep popping up in such a happy topic

Maybe one day I will get a chance to stay in the 'Pregnancy' topic like everyone else.