Unsupportive boyfriend at 5 weeks

[Abbyboat]

Hi all

I’m new to this site as this is my first pregnancy, so far I’m feeling utterly abandoned and I’m hoping I can receive support and some clarity here instead.

I’m 28 years old and two days ago I found out I was pregnant. I’m in a relationship with a 41 year old man, we’ve been formally together only a few months but I have been seeing him almost 11 months.

I told him soon as I found out, I told him that I was in shock also and that we should let the news sink in before we made a decision. He didn’t say much but that night he got extremely drunk and spent the following day nursing a hangover and avoiding any serious talk. I wanted to let him deal with the news in the way he needed to, however, I became worried that he hadn’t talked about the pregnancy at all and I started to feel scared by his avoidance.

Later on I brought the pregnancy up again, but this time I explained that I was feeling that I was becoming slightly attached to it. He then explained that as much as the idea of a baby would be nice, he isn’t ready for one and had accepted the idea that at 41 years of age he wouldn’t have any. As the talk continued he got angry and said that should I have the baby I will be completely on my own, that he is ‘out’ and will have nothing to do with it. He also said I would be ruining his life should I have the baby.

I didn’t say anything but listened to him. I eventually got upset and had to lock myself in the bathroom as I broke down in a fit of tears- I felt so completely abandoned and alone. Ten minutes later he said he has had enough of being cooped inside and was going out to a party. I still can’t believe he couldn’t give me any form of emotional support as I was at my weakest and most confused point.

That was the last point I saw him. My sister picked me up last night and I have been on an emotional rollercoaster here for the night.

He has since text me saying that he needs time in his own, to take it all in and make the right decision. I understand it’s a shock, but I really needed him here. A mutual friend has phoned and explained that this is the way he deals with things, but I can’t help but feel abandoned by him. Why should I have to hold a 41 year old mans hand through something which I am finding so painful myself? Whilst receiving no emotional support back either....

I am now feeling that I would be better off without him, with whatever I choose to do with this pregnancy...

Has anyone had any experiences of this with their partner?

Thank you

My exh SAID he wanted a baby but in reality, he didn't. He wasn't supportive throughout the pregnancy, made rude comments about my size, complained about parking charges when I was in hospital etc.
Your oh sounds like a selfish man child.

Can I ask how this has occurred? Was it a contraception failure? If he's so keen not to have children, was he being proactive with contraception?

OP, you're 28, involved with a tosser and your period is a week late. I would go to see someone to talk about pregnancy choices.

OP : yes he’s a dick, but at least he’s very clear about his position. You now know where you stand with him.
You should think carefully about whether you want to continue with this pregnancy. You will be a single mother with no support from the father.
As PP said, think about your options.

Why have you only been officially together for a few months but really for 11 months? If he has just left his wife, he might have been looking forward to some relaxing sex time, not a dose of real life and long term commitment!

I think you need to stop worrying about him and start thinking about yourself

What do you want?

Sorry you’re going through this upset OP.

He has since text me saying that he needs time in his own, to take it all in and make the right decision.
Well that’s mighty big of him, but it’s not his decision - whether he becomes a father or not became 100% your decision the second he let his sperm impregnate you. Even if there was a contraception failure, that’s the risk you take having PIV sex. He can choose whether to play an active parenting role or not, but he can’t choose whether the pregnancy continues or not.

I am now feeling that I would be better off without him, with whatever I choose to do with this pregnancy...
Trust that feeling OP! You’re onto something there. At best he’s an ignorant, selfish manchild. From your post it doesn’t sound like he is your happy ever after.

So, take it as read that the relationship isn’t going to last, and make your decision about the pregnancy based on zero practical or emotional input from him (he would still have legal/financial obligations to his child, although many man squirm out of even these).

What a twat. Regardless of his reasons he should never have left you in such a vulnerable state. He ran off to a party to let off steam...at 41 years old?? He will never grow up, unfortunately.

What kind of financial/career position are you in? Would you be able to support yourself as a single mother? Will your family help? I’m afraid I wouldn’t trust him at all, he’s a coward. But remember op, you don’t have to terminate the pregancy because of him. If this is what you want and you feel like you could manage on your own then you can do it- just make sure you cut him out.

At 41 years old that is an absolute rediculous reaction. You both made the baby, he should be old enough to know what happens when you have unprotected sex. If he can't deal with the conciuquences then he shouldn't be doing it.

It's an awful situation to be in. I was there myself when I was 16, father was 17 and he basicly just left and didn't hear anything for 2 and a half years.

Me and my partner have been together a year and he is absolutely over the moon with this pregnancy, tbh he's more positive than me which is not what I expect and he's 28. He's not once suggested I did anything other that what I wanted to do. He knows that when he didn't pull out there was a chance a baby would be produced.

You should see this as a get out because even suggesting he would leave would be enough to make me feel he didn't care enough about me. He sounds selfish and up himself tbh to even think he can call the shots.
Whether you do keep the baby or terminate, you should just put him in the bin as it doesn't sound like he would be wanting much commitment. And you don't need a man to he happy. Especially not one so immature.

It's your body
Your baby
Your choice.