Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Unsympathetic partners and childbirth

18 replies

PleaseDo999 · 19/10/2018 22:54

I'm being induced next week and whilst my DP is lovely, he's very unsympathetic. He's been very supportive throughout pregnancy, but I'm one to just get on with things and he happily let me put up a chest of drawers at 36 weeks without asking if I needed help (I didn't). Maybe unsympathetic is the wrong word. I'm just extremely independent and have at times become annoyed or irritable when he's tried to baby me or offer help when not needed.

I'm worried that during the birth of our baby he's going to be the same, even though I have spoken to him about how he can support me.

Has anyone who doesn't have a particularly sensitive or sympathetic DP found them to be surprisingly supportive throughout childbirth?

OP posts:

NoMudNoLotus · 19/10/2018 23:01

It was the opposite in my case ... a very supportive DH who slept while i was in labour ( i was quiet though )

Original poster

PleaseDo999 · 19/10/2018 23:06

I've made him out to be unsupportive, I think that is the wrong word. He's used to me batting away help. A symptom of having 5 brothers I think! I'm just worried that during labour I'll actually really need him and he will presume I'll just crack on without any extra support from him!

OP posts:

Amyxo123 · 19/10/2018 23:14

My partner sounds very similar but when I had my daughter he was great support and I was very surprised there is hope lol

LightDrizzle · 19/10/2018 23:15

As described, you probably have no reason to worry. He’s never seen you in need or extreme distress (if I’m reading this correctly) and you don’t like being coddled.
Labour is another country, you can’t know how either of you will be but my money’s on him stepping up.
He’ll probably annoy you at some point, labour is like that, but he’ll want to do everything he can to help get you through it and he’ll be so overwhelmed by what you go through and come through.
Excited for you both!

RememberWhenRibenaTastedNice · 19/10/2018 23:16

I'm confused.
He's offered to help out, which you don't like and he's not sympathetic?

Does he does offer to help you? Or he doesn't offer to help you?
I'm confused.

Weimaragi · 19/10/2018 23:18

Dont forget you will have a midwife too, mine was great at the 'your doing great' while dh did practical things like fetching stuff and holding my hand, you will be fab x

elspethmcgillicuddy · 19/10/2018 23:20

I would describe my relationship with DH as similar to what you describe. I too am very independent and actually didn't need or want much sympathy or support in childbirth. I just really wanted to be left alone to get on with it. He was great. There when I needed him but let me retreat into my own head and space when I needed.

LittleBirdBlues · 19/10/2018 23:21

I think just like it is impossible to predict how you will feel and behave during labour, it is also impossible to predict how he will cope.

A bit like you, I tend to fight my way through pregnancy on my own. I cycled 20k to work twice a way until 7 months pregnant with my third baby. Watered my allotment for 2 hours 4 times a week until I ws past my due date etc. My dh would bad helped if I'd asked, but i never did. During labour he ha always tried to do everything to support me. But he was also in complete shock the first time around so not very useful. And the subsequent births his role wasostly to advocate with the nurses and midwifes to make sure my wishes were heard. Turned out I hated being touched or even talked to during labour. Sao there really wasn't much for him to do other than be there!

Original poster

PleaseDo999 · 19/10/2018 23:21

@Amyxo123 that's good to hear!🙂

@LightDrizzle yep, it's my fault entirely that he doesn't now offer help or sympathy in certain situations!

@RememberWhenRibenaTastedNice I don't think it's that confusing? He's a lovely bloke but I've often batted away his help or sympathy as I don't like it at all times. I'm therefore worried that as I'm so self dependent that he won't be as supportive as he could be during childbirth. If that makes sense? I think I'm just worried he will let me get on with it when in reality that's unlikely to be the case?

OP posts:

RememberWhenRibenaTastedNice · 19/10/2018 23:26

Ok! I've gotcha now!!

Ok I can comment on this from my experience of something similarish. For different reasons I was worried that DH wouldn't be sympathetic during the birth of our son. But actually he was. He hated seeing me in pain and for the very last part when I think I might have screeched a bit when his head came out, my distress upset him.
He said a few days later than he never ever wanted to see me go through that again.

My point being, when he see's you're having to tough it out during labour I believe he will have the sympathy and strength that you will need.
Your relationship changes during that point even if it's only for that short time. It's a vulnerability that is like no other, for both of you.

LBNM19 · 20/10/2018 04:41

My partner is very unsympathetic, I've had an awful pregnancy and even when he has heard me throwing up etc he didn't even ask if I'm ok. When I'm tired he says he wishes he could sleep all the time etc.

This is our 4th baby and surprising he has been very good at all the births and supportive more so than my Mum who just looked petrified.

twiglet · 20/10/2018 04:51

I get where you are coming from I'm also very independent (struggling with pgp as I have to ask DH to help with simple and easy tasks).

Just explain to him that although your usually independent you will need him to go against the grain when you're in labour.

BlueBug45 · 20/10/2018 05:53

Your partner isn't unsympathetic. He just sees you as independent and self reliant. If you have told him how he can help you during labour e.g. timing contractions, getting HCPs when needed, helping you with breathing, back massages, knowing what you absolutely won't give consent to and vocally backing you up, and he has a history of helping you when you have specifically asked, then he will step up.

kmreeve · 20/10/2018 07:03

I think getting him to watch - keeper of the cave - it's one of many parts of a hypnobirthing course and is solely directed at giving the man a role so they don't feel useless.

You don't need to buy the course as this particular clip is on YouTube

It might clue him in to ways on how to support you but not overwhelm you

mnahmnah · 20/10/2018 07:06

Sounds just like my DH. He was brilliant. I think when they see what you’re going through it makes them kick into action. When I first got to hospital with each of ours he didn’t do much and even had a lie down on the birthing sofa while I was on a normal chair. And got a TV card to watch the football. But like you I prefer to get on with it without fuss. However, as soon as it properly kicked off he was great. Responding to all my demands. Not saying a word unless I asked him to and then it was encouragement and reassurances. Letting me hang onto him. He really was fab. Good luck!

Original poster

PleaseDo999 · 20/10/2018 07:19

Definitely feeling better after reading some of these responses. Thank you! I've heard induction can be tough so I'm expecting a lot of pain and to need a lot of support. My mum will be in and out too and she's had 6 babies so she'll be able to help too!

OP posts:

mamatomjl · 20/10/2018 07:43

My DH is very un sympathetic ! He doesn't pamper me when I'm upset or ill etc, but all I can say is, I wouldn't of got through my labour if it wasn't for him! He has severe back problems and stood up next to me for 6 hours... couldn't ask for a better birthing partner.

SoyDora · 20/10/2018 08:25

I am similar to you OP and DH did leave me to get on with it in labour... which was just what I wanted! I didn’t even want him to talk to me . I knew he was there quietly in the background though, and they was what I needed.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread