Insensitive comments on pregnancy after miscarriage

[SpannerH]

Hi all, any one found they get inappropriate or insensitive comments when pregnant again after miscarriage? If so what?

Mine so far (by same person)

1. After miscarriage "god are you pregnant again yet?!" (In a joking manner as I was annoying him at work)
2. When told of new (early) pregnancy news "Well your only slightly pregnant"
3. When I showed him a cute 'bumps first Xmas t-shirt on Facebook' (of which by the time I'll be 20 weeks and have a bump "i wouldn't get that in case something happens" !!!!

This is all from the same guy at work, I don't think he is trying to be nasty, just very insensitive and doesn't even seem to realise! I'm sick of all the negativity, yes something might happen but am I meant to sit thinking that for the next 6 months not speaking about it! Please post your most insensitive comments!

Dunno. These are all things I say to myself (currently pregnant after miscarriage). It’s not nice to say, and he should stfu, but could he be struggling to have kids? I only say that because I’ve probably said equally rude things myself when not thinking.

Glad you’re being positive! (can you send some this way?!)

I personally feel the point 3 not buying things to early (especially after a loss) is good advice depending on how early someone is. You never know what others have been through :-(

I personally found the best way was to keep it to myself - Work colleagues found out at 19-20 weeks although line manager knew from around 10 as I wasn't well.

Worst comments here is asking if it was an accident as it's baby no 3 🤦‍♀️ I reacted with a 'of course' but it hurt but I was hormonal and feeling rough still at the time.

Although I'm very private from work colleagues and certainly have none on Fb which maybe makes it easier to think sod what anyone else thinks.

Congratulations and sorry about your loss. How far along are you? No he's got 2 himself and doesn't want anymore. It makes me wonder if his wife was allowed to celebrate the pregnancies though!
Way I've tried to think about it is that if it's going to happen it's going to happen (another miscarriage) and that talking about the pregnancy or buying the odd baby thing (not everything) isn't going to change that outcome. It's hard being positive and of course I worry all time but I try and think that stress won't be good either.
I've had a friend that said oh pregnant women annoy me, can't eat this, cant eat that and I turned around and said well I'd rather annoy you then loose another baby (nicer than that sounds) but it's true, I can control that so I will.

@Patienceofatoddler thing is with point 3 I would be 20 weeks by then and would have a bump so ppl would know anyway regardless of if I wasn't wearing a t-shirt highlighting the bump lol, he just didn't seem to get it. I started miscarrying at work and with a major deadline looming I had to tell work that 1-i was pregnant and 2- I'd started miscarrying and needed to go home. Boss told colleagues and rest is history so when I got pregnant so quick after 1st one I told people who knew about miscarriage so they'd go back to being normal with me, it has not worked!

I wouldn’t buy anything so early either. Not because I’m superstitious in any way but because I bought a few bits before the first scan during my pregnancy last year naively expecting all would be ok and found out I’d had a missed miscarriage at the scan. The items I had bought absolutely broke my heart, I had to get my DM to remove and store them at her house. So for that reason alone, I wouldn’t and I can understand why he said that.

It isn’t really any of his business though, I personally wouldn’t have told colleagues about the pregnancy yet.

@OutPinked explained a bit more on last comment. I might have misunderstood or being too sensitive but after previous comments I didn't think i had x

I’ve had some comments although mainly along the “so soon” and “that was quick” sort of lines.
And some with regards to telling people... what they don’t know was that it was actually our 2nd loss (16 weeks) we didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy first time round, and had a mmc, and found we couldn’t talk to anyone about the loss and that was a lot more difficult to deal with, so I’d rather tell people early and deal with comments regarding telling too early etc.

@SpannerH I get youl be 20 weeks by Christmas but why share with a work colleague now?

Maybe he has also experienced an early loss and knowing you've also had a loss which is why he said that.

I also started to miscarry whilst at work and it's horrendous as it's bad enough without having to keep smiling and carrying on (leaving not an option due to nature of work).

I guess I just had a different approach and by not saying until 19 weeks to colleagues by that point you can reasonably confidently talk about the pregnancy with others.

Try not to let any comments get to you although I know how hard that can be at the best of times let alone when in first trimester 

I had a MC at 10 weeks. Swiftly followed by an ectopic. Me and DH decided to stop at the one we had. Fast forward 2 years to today we've just told v.close family I'm 21 week pg. My sister who knows everything we've gone through said "congratulations......about time" 🤦 just careless but it really upset me. Mentioned it to my mum and she didn't see what the issue was 😬

I was asked by my then DH's aunt 'oh, so you keeping this one then?' I just kind of laughed awkwardly as I was genuinely gob smacked at her nasty and insensitive mouth, even now, 19 years later I wish I'd told her how hateful she was 🙄

@thismeansnothing, wow yes I would have found that upsetting too, people don't seem to think before they speak do they.
@Clairebear75 that's shocking! I don't know how I would have even responded to that!
@Patienceofatoddler basically my boss can't keep anything quiet (hence telling ppl about miscarriage without my permission) I felt it was easier to tell them about the new pregnancy rather than her tell them (she wasn't subtle, and incase I was to be off again) he hasn't experienced a loss he told me that, he just doesn't think. The context of the convo about the t-shirt he knew it was a Christmas top when I would be further along and basically said would you want to highlight the pregnancy incase you lost it? And I said well the bump would highlight it enough anyway! but I just feel like if he feels like that at 20 weeks at what point can i be positive about my pregnancy without being knocked down by negative comments. Just to confirm I wasn't going to buy the t-shirt now (or in any case) I just thought it was cute when it popped up on my newsfeed

@SpannerH oh my word well spreading your personal business without permission is so wrong and I am so sorry you had to go through that.

You should be able to have confidence in your line manager.

I would honestly consider raising it via HR if it's likely to be an issue.

I fully understand wanting to tell people yourself though before they can.

I know, from what I can gather she won't be there much longer so I won't have to deal with it for much longer, she was also ringing me while I was in the hospital with the MC (about work), my DH was going mental.

@SilverbytheSea so sorry for your losses, I do agree with what you say, I would have found not talking about it extremely difficult

I’m pregnant after a miscarriage and when I told my very good friend she said “well, we can talk about that in a few months, if you’re still pregnant.” It was over text, no congratulations or anything.

@MeredithGrey1 wow! that does seem to be the general consensus of people ive told but to just say it over text like that!

Firstly, massive congratulations!

Regardless of whether anyone else agrees with the sentiments, how dare anyone, let alone a work colleague, say that to you? I can't believe that neither your boss nor this guy realise they're setting themselves up for an HR nightmare.

I completely get why you told people but this guy is a dick, intentionally or not. You won't ever change that so at this stage, I'd stop talking to him about the baby. If he asks, tell him he lost those conversational privileges through his complete insensitivity. (Practice saying it in front of a mirror if necessary and Do Not Feel Guilty. He needs to be told.)

Also, do what you like. I have no more right to tell you what to do than anyone else. ☺

@ChaosMoon thank you so much. I think I will do that! I know, I've never been the sort of person to kick up a fuss at work but I've had to with this boss (She was also paying the guy more than me even though I had been doing the job for more years than him and training him how to do my job. When I questioned it she actually said well he is older than you and has a family to support!!) Needless to say HR were horrified and fixed it but that is the sort of boss I am up against!

Bloody hell! I'm so sorry you have such idiots to deal with. I know what you mean about kicking up a fuss at work but, if you do it well, that could be in your favour. People tend to listen more when it comes from someone who doesn't normally say anything. Good luck!

I had a MMC 4 weeks ago tomorrow at our 12 week scan, baby had stopped growing around 10.5 weeks.
2 weeks ago my aunt asked me what did I think I did wrong 🤔😡😡😡
Seriously as if I haven't beat myself up enough!!
I go back to work on Wednesday so I'm sure I'll be able to add to this post then.
Ps good luck with your pregnancy.

@Michellebops I am so sorry to hear you have gone through that. yes I think I would have ranted at her!

I am 12 weeks now (scan next week) today someone asked me how far I am, I said 12 weeks and admitted I have bought a couple of things. She said oh its ok now though cos your 12 weeks (?!) I wanted to say oh its ok because I'm 12 weeks? not because I've had a scan to say everything is ok! I have to bite my tongue a lot at work lol x

@SpannerH my boss has said when I told him ' well a lot can happen in the next few weeks ' I thought I understand I can miscarry again I don't need to be told!! Xx

@SpannerH I had a laparoscopy in June and when I told my boss in September I was pregnant she actually said "isn't that a bit soon"? 😡😡
We're trying again and I'm sure the response will be similar if we're lucky to be blessed with another pregnancy x

Yeah a lot of people like to remind you what could happen as if you aren't very (painfully) aware already x