Struggling with pregnancy after IVF

[room32]

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant, all seems well.

We have been TTC for nearly 5 years and had two rounds of IVF, one NHS (unsuccessful) and then this private one which worked.

Although in my logical mind I know I am lucky and many women go through worse even than we have, I am struggling to enjoy my pregnancy as I feel so bitter and angry about the money we have had to spend and the time it has taken to get this far. We spent over £9000 on treatment and now have no savings at all - I am still paying it off. Last year my work changed the maternity terms and conditions so my maternity pay is only slightly better than statutory, so I will have to go back to work full time and sooner than I would like. If we had conceived 18 months ago I would have had nearly 9 months on full pay, and I would still have that £9000! I could have stayed at home to enjoy my baby for longer.

I also just feel we missed out on so much, I wasn't able to enjoy my best friend's pregnancy/new baby and could barely stand to see her, my partner and I have been through so much sadness and disappointment to get this far. It all just feels so unfair when others seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Yesterday my colleague brought in her baby and I still couldn't bear to go over and see her, having avoided her all through her pregnancy.
I thought all this negative feeling would go away once I actually conceived!

How do I get over this, I want to be able to celebrate and enjoy something we have wanted for so long and are so lucky to have, I don't want to be miserable and bitter!

Hi @room32
I don't have personal experience of what you're going through but didn't want to read and run.

I was very lucky to get pregnant relatively quickly (now 8 weeks) but I have experienced some of the same things.

My Dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly in 2016 just as my husband and I were thinking of TTC. It was so overwhelming that we felt we had to wait. In the meantime my work massively cut the maternity package so I will be over £3k worse off than I would have been if we were able to conceive in 2016 plus full of grief that my Dad never got to be a grandad.

Some of our closest friends have had babies in the meantime and while we are happy for them I felt so jealous and angry when they announced their pregnancies as it brought back all the feelings of being robbed of the joy we should have been having. Each one felt like a 'that should have been us. We would have been sharing this news now if things were different'

I know we are so fortunate not to have needed to go through painful, emotional and expensive procedures to conceive and I do feel lucky. But I wish some of the anger about what we missed out on wasn't there.

Hoping that you can find some peace with your situation soon but I understand why that is so hard.

Cherish your pregnancy and the situation even more considering what you've given to get to this position.. could have have spent £9k and still not have gotten pregnant so try to turn your negative to that positive.. children are a sacrifice for the rest of you life!

Hi,

Do you think you may be feeling this way because of your hormones? A lot of woman are very emotional at this stage. We did IVF and it worked the first time but we then did a frozen embryo and it failed it was very disappointing. It is very stressful when you think about the money you have spent which feels like its been wasted but you should be positive. There are many couples who go through cycles and cycles of IVF and try month after month trying to naturally conceive for years - these people would much rather be in your position. The money can eventually be paid back but money can't buy a child so I think you are very lucky. Try to be positive and I'm sure once you see your baby at delivery you will feel much better x

I have to agree with the post above... there's probably lots of hormones going on right now making you feel more emotional and sensitive.

Having said that, I absolutely understand your frustrations. When you plan something and have everything set out in your mind, it's frustrating when it doesn't go to plan or you miss out on certain things.

I do think you are incredibly lucky though. I have a friend who has been unsuccessful with IVF and is absolutely devastated. A baby to her would be priceless.

Cut yourself some slack though. Yes there's people who love to be in your position but you are allowed you have your own feelings too. I'm sure once your baby arrives everything will be forgotten 

Hi, I'm pregnant through IVF and currently 8 +1 but all I think about is the positive side of it. I could have spent twice as much if not more but I didn't. It cost what it cost and I'll do anything to make sure baby has the best life within my circumstances. Think how the ladies feel that are still trying - but you've got there! A lady I used to work with had 18 MC and ended up going abroad at the age of I think 49 and finally got pregnant and had a lovely little boy. You've achieved what you set out to do so now's the time to be happy about it and enjoy being pregnant (between the symptoms!). I know it's easy for me to say this but I just consider myself very lucky to be this far. As for the money and time lost that can all be made up for now by making sure you enjoy what you've paid for. Perhaps its worth discussing this with your doctor and they might be able to signpost you to a professional that can help you and listen and give professional advice instead of my ramblins!!! I'm proper hormonal (crying at adverts on TV level) at the mo so I'd certainly take that into account!!! xxxxx

Congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry you’ve had to go through so much to get this far.

Is it possible you can get some counselling or CBT? Most of what you have described is things that have happened in the past and can’t be changed - CBT or similar might help you “reframe” some of these experiences and see them in a less negative way.

I agree with PP who said hormones might be influencing how you’re feeling at this earlier stage. It can also be an anxious time as you aren’t yet feeling movements, haven’t had an anomaly scan etc. I certainly found that I felt happier and more relaxed the further on I got.

I hope your pregnancy goes well and you are able to get through this and feel better about things soon

Hi @room32 ,

I've currently 25 weeks with an ivf pregnancy. I've been super surprised how bitter I've been about other people pregnancies despite being where I am now - I cried when I found out our friends were 7 weeks pregnant and been married 5 weeks! Just felt so unfair after such a journey we'd had to get here.

I've also been struggling with spd and feel a bit bitter about this as some people seem to fly through pregnancy with no problems - I feel like it must be my turn to have it easy! It's not fair!

Don't even get me started on how I feel when I think about doing it all again for number two (If were lucky enough!)

But I can rationalise a bit - life isn't fair and if this is the worst thing that happens to me then my life is pretty bloody amazing!

You've had a hard road to get here - I think infertility is one of the hardest things you'll do - o honestly believe I will still find it upsetting when I've completed my family and think back on it. Don't be too hard on yourself for what I think is normal feelings - but if you are truely struggling or feel it is stopping you bond with the baby do consider counselling - I found it helpful during ivf.

Good luck

Hi OP, 32 weeks with an ivf baby after 6 years etc here and completely get you (our successful cycle cost £18k 😩). You may find it helpful to join the ‘pregnancy after ivf’ thread as your experience with pregnancy will inevitably be different to those who have conceived with little trouble.

I was also convinced that all the grief and bitterness would melt away when (if!) we finally got pregnant but it hasn’t really been that way for me, although I don’t think I’m finding it quite as bad as you are.

It does get better, I promise - I’ve really struggled with the concept of being a mother and feel very much like an fraud or an outsider compared to other women buying merrily prams and decorating the nursery at 16 weeks (we had a hideous trimester with lots of bleeding so I was convinced we wouldn’t get to this point) and still roll my eyes when I hear about women who fall pregnant on command (looking at you Meghan

I would recommend maybe looking into some counselling if you can. It’s a hugely complicated and emotional situation - I’m convinced that years of unsuccessful ivf has left me with a mild form of ptsd that can’t be magically solved by getting pregnant, and I have definite triggers that set me off.

I really hope you manage to find your way through and enjoy your pregnancy. It’s easy to say ‘just think how lucky you are’ but that’s one of the shittiest things about infertility; it leaves very deep scars even when you come out the other side.