I Screwed Up

[Marie6085]

A lot of miscarriages, infertility, and diseases (reproductive especially) plague my family on both my mom and dads side. I have endometriosis, so I had very little expectations of ever being able to become pregnant. Recently, my husband and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary and we decided together for me to go off birth control due to the horrible side effects I had been experiencing for years. I started my last period on September 11 and I never started a new nuvaring (my choice of BC). I expected to go through a lot of hormone withdrawal and a lot of craziness with my period, and my husband and I decided not to actively try, but not to actively avoid either. We would mostly use condoms, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, we'd just forget about it. We both joked about how it would be ridiculous if we got pregnant on the first try....

and now I'm here. 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Panicked. Feeling EXTREMELY stupid at thinking it would take longer than the two weeks I was off BC. Feeling stupid and alone.

We are just getting out of a major financial slump and are not prepared in any way to start paying the high cost of visits to the doctor (i'm in the US) just yet. I have not told my husband yet, mostly because he will want me to keep it and as I sit here, it becomes increasingly clear that I am definitely not ready for baby, and neither is he. I want so badly to tell him. I really really do. And I hate the way it sounds, but I dont think he understands how much this will change our lives. I am still in school (graduating soon) and there is no way I'd be able to finish my final semester as a student teacher with a newborn. Everyone knows the responsibility lies mostly with the mother and its MY life that is going to be changed the most. I was foolish, and it sounds selfish, but i'm just not ready at all. Should I tell him about it? I want an abortion. Theres nothing he will say that will change my mind at this point, I've been sitting on it for almost a week. I'm afraid all it will do is cause him and our marriage unnecessary stress. Should I hide it to shield or marriage or just tell him, and possibly ruin his trust and love for me forever?

And please, I know I'm the worst person ever for doing this I'm already fully aware and deserve every bit of what you want to shout at me, but please just save it for once. I feel like enough of a shit human this week, morning sickness and all.

I think you're hardly the worst person ever. In fact, you sound quite thoughtful and are just in a shit situation. And you made a mistake by being naive - haven't we all at some point??

If I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd tell him... it's your body, your choice. If nothing he says would change your mind, it's just more grief for you both.

I do also think I'd probably have a very hard time keeping it to myself forever, especially if I needed support getting through it...

But those are just my two pence.

Be kinder to yourself!! You aren't a bad person at all!!! It's not about being bad or good. It's about being an adult and dealing with consequences, which you have no choice but to do in this instance.

physicskate

I don’t know if it’s the hormones or how overwhelmed I feel right now, but I almost cried when I ready your post. Thank you so much for your kind words... I can’t express how much I needed them.

My very best (girl) friend is very pro choice and has been a godsend with everything. She hasn’t even told her own husband out of respect and privacy for me, which I consider an incredible act of love for me and I’m humbled and lucky to have her. Thankfully, she’s already agreed to help me find somewhere and take me and was even willing to cover for me if he ever asked. But I hate it. I hate the idea of keeping it from him. It makes me feel dirty... but I also think the reprocussions would ruin our relationship if I told him.
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I disagree. I am a firm believer in it takes 2 to make a baby, and it's a massive dishonesty if you were to abort a baby behind your partners back. He has just as much of a right to at least have an input in the whole process. You are assuming he won't support you in your decision but what if you're wrong?

A termination will be on your medical notes forever, there's a chance at some point down the line that he may find out. Would he be able to trust you again if he were to find out? These things always find a way of coming to the surface.

I would tell him

I can't offer any advice on telling your husband as that has to be your choice. However I am currently pregnant with Aby number 5, the ex left before I found out and isn't interested so doing this alone. I had an abortion years ago believing it was best for everyone (and maybe I was right) but the emotional pain and guilt that has plagued me since has never gone away and haunts me all the time, the constant what ifs? When I discovered I was pregnant this time I didn't tell anyone till it was too late as I knew family would want me to have an abortion(they already think I have to many) but I just knew I couldn't do It even though another baby is the last thing I need. I cried a lot when I found out but do you know what I couldn't be happier now I have got my head round it and got used to the idea. I talk to bump all the time and can't wait to meet him/her even though at first I thought I wouldn't even bond with them x