With unrealiable partner and don’t know what to do..

[Thingsarerough]

Hi everyone,

I really would need someone’s input on this because I am at a point where my partner’s actions are affecting me on a great level and wonder if he could ever change... or in the end be a good father for our daughter to be.

My partner has had a rocky childhood where his parents were divorced when he was just a baby and seems to have suffered traumatizing events due to his mother’s relationship with his ex step dad.
Since I’ve known him, he has always been introverted and has lacked self esteem. Though lately, things have gotten worst where he’s often uninterested in all things baby:

• I had to push him to find names for the baby

-Doesnt Ask me how I am or feeling or if i need help ( especially now since I’m 34 weeks pregnant)

• never talks about the baby
• Isn’t interested in the belly bump

-doesn’t help much with installing/ procuring things for baby

Also, he often pretends to be sick when he’s unable to cope with situations and life.

• the day of our first appointment with the GN he felt suddenly ill and thought he would faint

-i was greatly ill one day and then he had a sudden migraine at the end of the day -he’s having a hard time at work and this weekend he’s been very negative and has gotten a sudden migraine again (migraine issue is ongoing, happens every 2 weeks)

• he couldn’t cope with my parents the last time we saw them (he’s seen them twice) and went straight for the bed because he was tired then said once up he had a nose bleed
• I had a cold recently and suddenly he had one too that same weekend and had to cough non stop for a few weeks

Now today, I wanted to talk to my parents and partner because the baby is coming soon and my parents want to help out and of course just before calling them, he suddenly felt too ill to do so.

All of this is exhausting me and is creating much stress in my life because I wonder if it will be the same or worst once the baby arrives ?? 😞

Though he does support us financially especially .. I work part time and he pays for lots and is reliable on that spectrum.

Thanks in advance for anyone’s input on this , it’s greatly appreciated !!

This sounds like a stressful situation for you @Thingsarerough.
Have you told him that you feel like he's uninterested in the pregnancy? And do you ever call him out on his well timed 'illnesses'? If so, what does he have to say?

Without knowing him personally, he's probably very unlikely to change unless he decides that he wants to.

Having said that I remember DP saying that he found it hard to grasp the reality of having a baby until after is giving birth (DS was both our PFB) and that before DS was here he felt quite detached from it all. Though he was excited and would touch my bump etc.

Thanks for your reply Gimbleinthewabe, it’s much appreciated 🌟

I’ve approached him on the acting sick topic on many occasions and his reply is always the same ; he truly is sick and that I should be supportive and finds it sad that I’m not on his side.
I tried telling him how it impacts our relationship in a negative way (him being constantly sick/tired/morose/negative) and that I am a 100% there for him (and always have been) but suggested that if he could communicate his worries it would be great and always accepted. And that on the other side , I myself am almost rarely being supported.
Today he said he was going to change , he’s told me that once too but nothing much changed last time..

Hoping that it’s maybe like you said ;he feels detached of it all ..?

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm afraid I don't have much advice as I'm in a similar one myself with a partner who wanted me to terminate and is really struggling to come to terms with everything. Fingers crossed for both of us that once the babies are here, they fall in love with them and step up.

I don't like to say this but it sounds suspiciously like my ex, he has 5 children on total and struggled to bond with any of them really. He behaved like your partner through both our daughters pregnancies and ended up leaving when our eldest was 3 months came back we got pregnant again, he did a runner while I was In the hospital having the youngest. We are lucky if he now shows up every 6 months to visit them. He just enjoys his freedom to much and doesn't want to be tied down, he would make any excuse to miss appointments, go baby shopping or meet my family. I'm not saying yours will end the same, just be prepared in case he does, he may well grow up once baby is here x

To Liz3891 : I’m also sorry you’re in the same situation .. I truly hope that all ends well for both of us.. xx

Singlemummyto5: I was thinking just that, what if he can’t cope with anything at all at one point ... Though he’s often been to our GN appointments in the end. It’s just somehow he often needs to play sick on those days..
As if he needs the attention to be put on him as well ? ..
Thanks for your feedback and reply also. I certainly will make sure to be prepared in case this happens. Xx

I didn't think of that, maybe he is jealous? What if he is 'sick' when you go into labour? Was he like this before pregnancy? You might want to think of a back up plan for labour just in case, I had my youngest alone and I was so scared. Everything was fine and I coped really well just wish there had been someone there x

Singlemummyto5:
Thankfully my mother will be with me prior my due date and until I give birth just in case. So thank god for that honestly .. and you’re quite strong and brave to have faced it alone !! You deserve an award !!

This can be viewed so many ways. Some things sound like he's really scared and some things sounds like jealousy.
My story is a bit extreme but My ex absolutely loved the attention while I was pregnant. He thrived off it. However, he hardly ever paid me any attention behind closed doors. Infact he was sleeping with an ex behind her closed doors the whole time but that's a different story completely. Whenever we went to my family he would be distant. Never helped financial, gambled everything away. I had to buy everything. He never came to appointments, he even told people I didn't let him or didn't tell him when that was far from the case.
As soon as my youngest was born he was more interested about going to the pub. We was in hospital for 5 days and visited for around 2 hours a day if that so I was alone watching all the other couples together all day. We got home and he was in the pub every night. We split up and he hasn't changed one bit. Still exact same mental attitude.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt to see if he would change when DS was born and to see if it was just how he was dealing with it all, he didn't and it wasn't.
I'm not sure if that will help at all though just thought I'd tell my story of an unreliable now ex partner.

Does he have social anxiety. If he keeps opting out of things where he has to go places and meet people it might be anxiety
This doesn’t explain his disinterest in the baby though. Can you sit down and talk to him about it?

@thingsarerough aww thank you, I don't feel brave most of the time, stupid if anything lol but we cope pretty well considering, my kids are pretty well behaved and helpful so that makes things easier. This pregnancy is taking it out of me though lol. Glad you will have you mum, mine was with me all through my first too and she was an absolute god send. I am here if you ever need to talk or rant x

I'm sorry in advance if this is unhelpful OP but if possible could you explain your concerns about his illnesses and how you would cope as a couple when the baby gets a cold or is teething etc? I'd be concerned that his migraines would come on when a nappy needs changing or the baby need a cuddle when crying. If he is genuinely suffering I'd insist he gets a prescription and finds a way to manage his migraines. I say this as a mother and DW of a migraine sufferer.

He needs to step up and there's no way you can support him whilst dealing with a child (who comes first) and he is really having them regularly he should be seeking a solution. I call BS, I think he's faking and if he's doing it now to get out of being involved it will get worse when the baby comes and you need support.

I hope I'm wrong.

@Dodie66 thanks for your reply and interest on this !
I’m unsure if it’s due to social anxiety after all, I’ve written down almost all that has been going on lately and these «illnesses» appear a day before, the same day of the event or the day after :
More examples:
-the day after our 2nd GN appointment, he had a migraine in the morning

• Often times he complains of neck issues and seems to try to attrack attention with that. He’s seeing a specialist and it’s been a year , he still complains.

-on and off again he says he has an ulcer. Again the way he acts is as if he needs that extra attention. It’s always sudden. -In September after bringing me to the hospital since I was having complications, that night he had a migraine.

• this weekend, after going to a prenatal class he’s had «soft migraines»

The list goes on but the thing is that it’s been quite worst since early in my pregnancy.
And yet he says he’s excited for the baby..

@Ohholyjesus : I have to admit I was looking past what you mentioned on your post .. My moto these days is : one day at a time ..
Though you’re absolutely right, I was thinking of sitting down with him this weekend and try to address the main issues. I certainly will bring what you mentioned up to our conversation .. I think it’s vital , as you also state

@singlemummyto5 I don’t think any of us should feel stupid .. we often think others can change or we can make them change .. by giving second chances and what not . We’re actually angels for that.
And thanks a million for your support, it feels great to at least have you all .

You sounded just like my mum lol she always says that I give to many chances, that even when people treat me bad I always try and see the best in them. Sometimes that's a good thing but often it leads to pain. I live in the middle of no where and don't have many friends (plus by baby 5 people don't get as excited lol) so I love being able to come on here and talk to people x