7 weeks pregnant and having doubts

[WhirlyB]

I've found myself in the unexpected situation of being pregnant and being overwhelmed with doubts, anxiety and depression. I suffer from Generalised Anxiety, Panic Disorder and depression but have become pregnant after a fairly stable stretch of mental health. I take 15mg Mirtazapine which my GP has agreed I should continue throughout the pregnancy. My husband and I have a rocky, argumentative relationship of 11 years and we live together near his family and business, which is 200 miles away from my family and hometown- something I have always struggled with. The pregnancy was a bit of a surprise but something we had discussed trying for in the not-too-distant future, so the initial reaction for both of us was excitement and happiness. I've always wanted to be mother.

However after a week or two my positivity was soon replaced with with anxiety and dread. I'm now 7+4 weeks and my mental health has deterioated to the point where I am struggling to even get out of bed and having daily panic attacks. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. All I can think about is how difficult it will be to look after a child, the huge responsibility, that I won't be able to cope, I'm likely to get PND and how I'll then be trapped in this life with my partner, away from my family's support. I keep playing out scenarios of being miserable and isolated with a baby, or my relationship ending and having to parent alone. I know it sounds incredibly irresponsible and stupid to be thinking these things after getting pregnant but it's almost as if the full weight of the situation is hitting me now. I suspect that hormones must be playing a part in this, and exacerbating my mental health problems. I also suffer from ME/CFS so the constant nausea and exhaustion has taken it's toll on my condition and proved difficult to cope with.

I'm genuinely considering an abortion, something that I never thought I would consider at this point of my life (30 years old). In fact if it had been suggested to me a month ago I would have thought it mad. I'm struggling to see any positives in progressing the pregnancy and keep thinking awful, intrusive thoughts like 'it would be a relief to have a miscarriage' which I feel terrible about. It's even got to the point where I'm doubting my marriage and feeling the urge to leave and escape back home to my parents. I've been feeling completely repulsed by my partner since the pregnancy started and have been finding him unbearably annoying. He has been doing his best to be supportive so it really isn't his fault. I feel so confused and torn.

I've discussed these feelings with my psychologist but ultimately I know I'm the only person who can make a decision and I'm currently paralysed by fear of making a mistake no matter what I do. Has anyone else experienced this kind of turmoil in their first trimester? Is there a likelihood I will feel better the further I get into the pregnancy? Has anyone become pregnant but then doubted their relationship or considered abortion? I really would appreciate hearing any experiences or advice that is on offer.

I don’t have any experience of mental health issues but from what you’ve said it sounds like your condition has worsened and you may need to increase, change, or add to your current medication. There are a lot of medications which are considered relatively safe in pregnancy and I strongly suggest you talk to your GP or whoever manages your condition first, try a few weeks of increased/changed meds and see how you’re feeling. You’re still early, you have a few weeks to make a final decision.

Parenting can be incredibly alienating and brings with it its own sources of anxiety, however it can also bring a huge purpose to your life which may actually help your mental health. Unfortunately we can’t know how it will go until you’re in the situation which is far from ideal for you.

I think in your situation you have to be very open and honest with your husband. Discuss how you’re feeling, and he may be able to offer you some reassurance that you’re in this together.

My last piece of advice is if you opt to terminate would that mean you definitely don’t want children then? That’s something to consider - how (mentally) you will find the “aftermath” of an abortion xx

I had similar issues early on in pregnancy. My son is now 8 weeks old and we're doing really well.

I found CBT really helpful in dealing with the intrusive thoughts and recognising when I was catastrophising and how to stop it. By 12 weeks I was feeling much better and the scan helped me feel more ofa bond with the baby. Second trimester was definitely a lot easier the hormones really settle down too

No advice unfortunately but just wanted to let you know you're not alone, I'm in a very similar position myself

I scheduled an appointment to have a termination at 5 weeks then backed out as I was struggling with my principles having always been pro life.

I'm now 12 weeks gone and past the point where a medical termination would be possible, and I couldn't bring myself to go through a surgical one.

I have some regrets and a lot of fear for the future but some optimism in there too.

I hope everything works out for you, you may surprise yourself x

SiolGhoraidh It’s really reassuring to know that you experienced similar feelings but that now you son is here you are doing much better. I’m really happy for you and hope can look forward to the same outcome!

Veronikaz I appreciate you sharing your experience with me as it definitely helps to not feel alone. I’m pleased to hear you have a little more optimism now you are entering your second trimester. I hope things continue to improve for you.

Jellybean100 thank you for your perspective and advice. I spoke to my GP this morning and have agreed to increase the dosage of my antidepressants. I’ll also share my concerns and struggles when I meet my midwife later this week. What you asked about deciding if I want children at all was particularly poignant as I have always wanted to be a mum, and I’m sure if I miscarried or terminated that I would feel that way again once my mental health had settled down. A termination may feel like an escape from my current pain but would cause all kinds of complications afterwards, as well as potentially spelling the end of my marriage.

I relate to your post a lot. I suffer with Generalised Anxiety Disorder which leads to periods of deep depression and I am living 2-3 hours away from family near where my partner is from. To make matters worse, my partner works away a lot so I am often completely alone although that situation is changing
For the first 12 weeks, I seriously considered termination even though the pregnancy was planned. I felt it was too huge to go through alone and felt I would be setting my mental health back without the support of family. In the end, I couldn't even bring myself to make an appointment and spoke to the midwife about my concerns. She was great and within a few weeks I was referred for weekly CBT which is really helping me.
Once I'd had my 12 week scan, termination was out of the question for me and I felt a lot of love towards my baby as soon as I saw her. Now at 23 weeks, I am completely in love with her although I am still battling with my mental health. It's not easy doing this feeling quite isolated but I now have a lot of excitement alongside my fears and genuinely feel I can do this. From personal experience, anxiety and depression can cloud judgement and feelings and it's hard to navigate through to how you genuinely feel at times.
I highly recommend speaking to your midwife before making any major decisions and seeing what support is available to you in terms of therapy which will hopefully continue to help you once the baby is born. I hope you manage to get support and know that it is not uncommon to feel as you do initially.

Hey, I'm having the same feelings as you are 7 weeks in. Did you continue with the pregnancy? Did it get better?

I did continue and I now have a beautiful 4 year old girl. It started to get easier after the 12 week scan in terms of my feelings towards the pregnancy. In hindsight I can see that I was suffering from perinatal depression and anxiety (I had only ever heard of postnatal depression and didn’t know it can occur during pregnancy). I would definitely recommend talking to your gp, a midwife (you can call the antenatal team if you don’t have a midwife yet) or a mental health practitioner. Everyone’s situation is different so I can’t speak to yours but I’m so glad I did continue with my pregnancy. Hormones can really impact mental health during pregnancy and I was scared and overwhelmed. I really hope you are able to figure out the best thing to do for you.