Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Help! When do I contact him to say baby is here ?

17 replies

Yelsgirl · 07/10/2018 09:51

Long story short -
-ex left me at 26 weeks
-we’ve tried to make it civil it worked for a week and I said he would be welcome to stay here when baby is home and help ( this was only if he made the effort to stay in contacts with my 3 y/o to a previous partner) my argument was I didn’t want ex walking out on him then rocking up when a newborn came I wasn’t doing that to my 3 y/o

  • basically it all went awful again after a week when we had an argument regarding baby stopping out. I said who knows when it’ll be it might be 3 months, 4,5,6 it’s impossibke to say now. He said baby is fine to stay out after 3 weeks and I’m ridiculous. I said a court wouldn’t give you that and he responded I’d do better in court cause I have a good job and you’re just a mum with mental health issues
( I work 4 days a week I’ve raised my amazing 3y/o alone and I’ve recently been put on 10mg of antidepressants due to mainly this but also feeling very low- my mum comitted suicide in my last pregnancy so it’s brought back a lot of memories )

BUT I’ve now blocked all contact. I don’t want someone making me feel inadequate. He has no way at all of contacting me
I’m having my baby in 4 weeks via planned section he doesn’t know the date. Do I -

  • give it a couple of weeks and try to meet with him prior my section to get things civil
  • keep him blocked until she’s here and contact him to say she’s arrived ? Which sounds awfully awkward but I just don’t know

Or any other suggestions ?
Today is my first day of not crying my eyes out, I just wanted things to go much smoother

OP posts:
kmreeve · 07/10/2018 09:53

I think your best to seek legal advice on your legal position on this.. this will then avoid any possible blow back if things are done correctly and set out from the start xx

Doyoumind · 07/10/2018 10:01

Don't be scared by his threats. He clearly doesn't know how the family court runs or how child arrangements are made.

Think about what you feel would be an appropriate contact plan. How long would he see the baby initially and where? At what point could overnights start and how often. Be clear in your mind what you are comfortable with and where you can compromise. If you can afford a solicitor speak to one to check it through and then send it to him. If he's not happy he can take you to court but then you've tried to be reasonable and to avoid disputes.

Gersemi · 07/10/2018 10:05

Are you married to him?

girlalmighty · 07/10/2018 10:13

You need to tell him before. He's the father.

MaverickSnoopy · 07/10/2018 10:14

Am I right in thinking you're the lady with the cot?

I think you need to keep a track of all communication - keep texts and write down verbal conversations in a diary.

In your shoes I wouldn't let him know the baby was here until she was born. You could always send him a text or phone him on the day itself as a courtesy. Honestly though, if you're the lady I think you are then he's caused you enough stress and you need to try and relax as much as possible (you're already having to deal with your mum's suicide) and if you thinking tell him will be problematic, then don't.

Mountainsided · 07/10/2018 10:17

If you are the lady who they took the cot back then ignore the advice that you have to tell him, look after yourself and send him a message the day after baby arrives or when you’re home for him to come and meet them.
No court in the land is going to give custody to him/his Mum no matter what he threatens you with and you will not have to have the baby go there overnight either.

Original poster
Yelsgirl · 07/10/2018 10:20

I am the cot girl ! Managed to get a lovely one off a selling site for £20!
( still annoying but yes at least I complied)

The thing that’s annoying me is I’ve never once said the baby won’t stop out all I’ve said is I have no idea when! I know she’ll stop there I just don’t want to say right 3 weeks old bye for 24 hours I think that’s ridiculous.

I just really feel weird about only contacting him when she’s here- however I do think that’s all he deserves because realistically all he has offered before her birth is stress. It just doesn’t feel right

OP posts:
PippilottaLongstocking · 07/10/2018 10:24

A friend of mine was in a similar situation, court has said no overnights til the baby is 2

PippilottaLongstocking · 07/10/2018 10:24

2 years old, that is

sittingonacornflake · 07/10/2018 10:41

I'd tell him once the baby is here and you are comfortable to do so. The absolute priority for you is to focus on your and your baby getting in through the birth and out the other side. You do not need to worry about him or his feelings or anything else - just you and your baby.

GreenTulips · 07/10/2018 10:49

If you have a section it'll be a few days before you are up and about

You need family on board to keep social media silence

Tell him when you feel ready to do so and not before

merlotmummy14 · 07/10/2018 11:10

His comments about your mental health are really hurtful and he needs to know that. However getting it out with him before baby arrives is definitely important even if it is stressful now, it will be more stressful after with a newborn. In terms of overnights there is no legal requirement until 2 years especially if you are breastfeeding and even if it was granted he won't be able to make court dates until after she is born and by the time it could even be ordered (would take minimum of 6 months) you would probably feel comfortable with it anyway. You also can choose not to have him on birth certificate, he would have to get DNA tests to prove he is father.

Original poster
Yelsgirl · 07/10/2018 11:10

This was my thinking to tell him once I feel okay after my section - I would probably rather he visited at the hospital as it’s more controlled and I live alone so didn’t particularly want him visiting my house when I’m vulnerable
Just wasn’t sure if it was awful to only let him know when she’s here or if I’d be expected to say the date !

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 07/10/2018 12:05

I just wanted to point out that unless there are serious safeguarding issues it's not true to say it will take as much as 6 months to get a court order, in my experience anyway.

Darkstar4855 · 07/10/2018 12:26

Block contact for now - you’ve made enough effort to try and resolve this.

Get some legal advice so you know what your options are and what procedures you have to follow if he starts causing trouble after the birth.

Gersemi · 07/10/2018 14:23

If you're not married, it may make sense to keep his name off the birth certificate.

0lgaDaPolga · 07/10/2018 14:26

I remember your cot thread and I’m glad you’ve cut contact. You don’t need him or his mum stressing you out for the rest of your pregnancy. If I were you I would tell him once the baby is born and he can see you in hospital if you are comfortable with that.

Regarding him thinking the baby will be staying with him at a few weeks old I wouldn’t even engage with him on that. You are being really accommodating even considering letting the baby stay over when they are a few months old. As previous posters have said, if he went to court over it they would be very unlikely to give him overnight contact until the baby is a couple of years old. Don’t let him bully you into agreeing to be parted from your baby until you are ready. You sound like an amazing mum Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread